Dirty Tricks Page #12

out of politics,

'cause I gather things

have changed over here

and the bastards

are back in control.

And if there's one thing

I do not want,

it's any more trouble

from the bloody law.

"The Iceman buyeth

not his round."

Five letters,

beginning with

The reference to O'Neill

is probably a red herring.

Drat.

I'll have to think about it.

And don't forget

your French essay.

J'essaierai.

She's amazing.

You're getting on

so much better.

You said you had

some kind of a problem.

It's a bit of a bore,

I'm afraid.

It seems there was

some kind of irregularity

with the way the case against

Clive Phillips was mounted.

And they may have to reopen

the case.

Oh, dear.

And they want me

to come up with...

An alibi?

Ah. I suppose that's

the technical term for it.

So do you have one'?

Well, that's the bore of it.

You see, when you canceled

our lunch date,

I was a bit depressed.

So I just stayed at home.

Did nothing.

Saw no one.

I was wondering if perhaps

you might do it.

Do what?

Vouch for me.

But I didn't see you.

I was with my father.

I know.

But you might have done.

But I didn't.

I see your point, Alison.

But we don't want to get

too overliteral about this.

It won't be a cross-examination

under oath.

And you'll be helping someone

that I think you've started

to care for

as I have started

to care for you.

- And --

-[ Door opens]

"Crime."

What do you mean, dear'?

The solution to the crossword.

It's an anagram.

The Iceman is Mr. Ice.

And "buyeth not his round"

because crime doesn't pay.

No, darling.

No, it doesn't.

That's something

I've always tried to teach you.

Well done, you.

I don't know

what amazes me more --

that you should be prepared

to perjure yourself

or that you imagined I would.

Evidently we don't know

each other as well as I thought.

Evidently.

Look, I've just got to

give them a story. That's all.

Otherwise they're gonna believe

a complete fabrication

from Clive Phillips.

I know it's a lot to ask, but...

I thought you cared about me.

You're a hard man to dislike.

I don't want to you to do

anything you'd feel bad about.

But do you want me

to go to prison?

No.

Of course I don't.

You don't think

I did kill Karen, do you?

The thought had occurred to me.

I didn't.

I swear I didn't.

I don't like lies of any kind.

Do you know something?

You were the one

I always wanted.

I think you'd better go.

[Cello music plays]

Are you going to pretend

to like Bach now

to try and curry favor?

No.

I'm a Tamla Motown man myself.

Whence the sudden access

of honesty?

You're very strict

with other people, Rebecca.

Are you as tough on yourself?

You don't like me.

I know that.

But what I object to is the idea

that you're better than me.

You did kill those people,

didn't you?

Actually, Rebecca, I didn't.

But who gives a sh*t'?

I do, actually.

And so does Mummy.

Do you?

Or do you just care about

having an easy life'?

That's all

most people care about, really.

Are they going to charge you

with the murder'?

Probably not.

But they might do.

Innocent people get sent

to prison all the time.

Right and wrong exist,

I'm afraid.

So you never told a lie'?

You've never tried

to make things

look a little different

than they are'?

If you asked me to tell a lie

for you, I wouldn't care.

I'd do it.

I really would.

But it would be different

for you.

Why would it be different'?

'Cause you're obviously

frightfully good at lying.

You can tell by the way

your eyes always slide about.

You're priceless, Rebecca.

Priceless.

You see, she'd got to me.

You see, she'd got to me.

She had the nerve to think

that right and wrong

were the same

as right and left.

And I had to teach her

a lesson.

Oh, trif, Rebecca.

Mummy out

playing Buxtehude tonight?

Shall you and I

have a little get-together'?

Did you think I was

going to murder Rebecca?

I swear! had no such plan.

AH I was going to do

was lock her

in her prissy little bedroom

while I ran the cat

through the Magimix

and smeared it

all over the walls.

[ Cat screeches, meows Weakly ]

There's a bit of the yob

in all of us.

Unfortunately it didn't quite

work out as I had planned.

[Clattering]

Let's just get one thing clear.

I spent five years

in the Marines.

If I chose to, I could do you

some very serious damage.

You look nice.

ALISON:

Tommy'? Tommy'?

-It's okay, honey.

- What is it?

It's just a cat.

You go to bed.

EDWARD:
Tommy'?

I thought you were poking Karen.

Little too low-rent for me.

So where -- well, where --

where do I fit into all this'?

If she's having

a thing with you,

then Why'd she make a play

for me'?

Couldn't keep her satisfied,

eh, Carter'?

You're a funny guy, huh,

aren't you?

One of those dry

upper-class types.

Maybe you're so funny

because you've

never seen brutality.

But I have.

Yeah?

Which Third World country were

you terrorizing at the time'?

You know, guys like you

are what brought me to Oxford,

in a strange kind of way --

The reason you're able to be

the way you are.

So how am I'?

Well, amused by everything.

It's because

you can afford to be.

You affect not to believe

in anything.

But you're from England,

a society with a keel,

a tradition of culture

and civilization

that is strong enough to support

lightweights like you.

I get it.

I was the stooge, wasn't I'?

I was the decoy.

That's why you came

into that restaurant that night

with you wife

and asked us to dinner.

To deflect her attention

from you and Alison.

It's been going on

as long as you've known us.

We both have children,

and we didn't want to hurt them.

What the hell

are you doing here, anyway?

What were you planning to do,

write "I hate you"

over the walls?

Steal a book?

You want to use the knife'?

Go ahead.

Go on.

Please, stick it

up your own ass.

It'll save me the trouble.

Better call the cops.

What, and get your name

in the papers?

How do you explain that

to the wife and kiddies?

Why don't we both just pretend

this never happened?

What and leave you to expose us

anytime you feel like it'?

Well, what are you gonna do,

kill me'?

That is a possibility.

- Yah!

[ Laughs ]

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

You cause any trouble,

I'll tell the cops I went to

your house on the Saturday

and you Weren't there

and your car

wasn't in the garage

and neither were you there when

I called later that evening.

- If you do that...

- Mm-hmm'?

...then I'm totally f***ed.

[Laughing ] Yeah.

You are.

[Laughing]

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

Now get the hell out of here

so I can get out

of this nightgown.

Oh, by the way,

did you really kill Dennis'?

Did you kill Karen'?

No and no.

Funny thing...

We all liked you.

We really did.

The next day,

Chief Inspector Moss here

came to call

at what I still thought of

as Dennis and Karen's house.

I liquidated my investments

and headed for the airport.

[ Doorbell buzzes ]

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