Divorce Invitation

All righty. Two matzo

balls just like you like it.

Always taking care of me. You.

Hey, anything for my most

beautiful customer, huh?

I left you a nice tip today.

Oh, Leo, you don't have to do that.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

- See you later, buddy.

- Thank you.

Hold on one second.

- Excuse me.

- One sec.

You know, aluminum

is not good for you.

Waiter? Hey, excuse me, buddy.

- Is there something wrong with my fork?

- No, just your stock choice's future.

Oh. Well, your future involves

topping off my coffee, okay?

Aluminum's stable. There's just

no growth potential in it.

Wait, wait! Hold on a second.

Hold on, hold on. Back it up.

Unbelievable.

That is exactly what my

consultant said last night.

And I bet he charged you more than

the $6.95 lunch special for that.

Yeah, he did.

Okay. So, say you were her.

What would you bet on?

I would go with...

That one.

You're kidding, right?

That's nickel stuff.

Simitek's about to shake

hands with them next week.

That means, by Friday, those nickels

are gonna be worth millions.

- Wow. That's impressive.

- You ain't seen nothing yet.

Mike, table 57 is yours.

They need something. Go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second. So...

What are you doing later tonight?

Maybe you want to show me

something I haven't seen yet.

Wow! Ha! Okay.

I think I will be at home...

with my girlfriend...

Oh.

...my very jealous, very...

- Hey, waiter dude.

- Yeah, casanova.

- It's "Mike"!

- Mike.

- Mike Christian, and he's very religious.

- Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.

And very busy, okay?

Still waiterless.

- Going, going, going.

- Wait, Mike.

- This is ridiculous.

- Unreal.

- No, no, no. Sir, I apologize.

- No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry.

I don't want your apology.

We have a business meeting.

- He's just a trainee, please.

- I'll say he's a trainee.

Please, let me take

your order. Gentlemen...

A trainee, really.

You know what? I don't feel

so good. I think I got to go.

If you dare take that tie off,

you're fired, okay?

- Keep it on and clean the table!

- What seems to be the problem?

He wants to get fired, Mr. Lipnick.

He's already chased out four

of our regular customers.

I know... four coffee-only customers.

Those people have been hogging

that table every day now for a week.

I wondered who had the

balls to throw them out.

Good business sense, Michael.

You're my man.

Thank you.

Come here. Let's talk.

Michael, my granddaughter Delilah

is at a conference at university hall.

Do you think you could

pick her up for us?

Absolutely.

Although it's rare, at the

turn of the last century,

the divorce rate grew for a

number of justifiable reasons.

People are alcoholics, drug addicts,

physically abusive to their

spouse or children...

these are situations where separation

is often best for all involved.

But divorce and its acceptance

have changed with the times.

On their wedding day,

couples often still say,

"till death do us part,"

but after time passes,

the initial attraction often fades.

The perfect spouse all of a sudden

is a normal person with human flaws.

Recurring arguments,

attraction to a co-worker,

or simple boredom can lead

to irreconcilable differences.

Divorce is a lazy way out.

Divorce is a shortcut solution.

Wake up, grandma.

It's the 21st century.

That's the way it goes.

What about children?

Doesn't our future depend on them?

Divorce can have a devastating effect

on a child, as my case studies attest.

I can also personally attest to this

because I come from a broken family.

I was raised by my grandparents,

and not that they didn't take care of me,

because they did, but I still wish

that my parents were there, too.

And your solution?

Take it seriously. Marriage is work.

Marriage is for life. If you are

willing to make the commitment,

you have to be prepared

to go the distance.

Excuse me. Did you major in

sociology or did you major in fantasy?

You make it sound like a jail

sentence without the parole.

Look, buddy, no need to worry.

From the looks of it,

the only lifelong commitment you'll

have is with your right hand.

Sh*t.

Thank you. That's... that's it.

That's all.

Thank god.

Honey, slow down.

I worked my butt off for

three years on that thesis.

I interviewed hundreds of couples,

and all it takes is a couple

of idiots in the audience

to make it all seem like a joke!

And you seem to have

no opinion about it.

Well, if it's one thing I've learned from

you, it's when to keep my mouth shut.

Okay, then. Fine. Let's...

let's be honest.

I can handle it.

Tell me the truth.

- The truth?

- Yeah.

Well, I think some of

those guys had some...

Pretty valid points.

Why don't you just admit it?

You don't respect my academic research!

No! It's just thousands of theses

sit in a library gathering dust.

You know, they change nothing. The world

goes on as if they were never even written.

Yeah, but out of those thousands,

one of those papers had the

formula for electricity on it.

It did?

So how do you know that

mine won't be that one?

I mean, if it could just change

one mind, it would all be worth it.

Why am I wasting my

time talking to you?

What would a college dropout

care about this stuff anyway?

Hey, I am a proud dropout, okay?

College is a waste of time.

Four, five, six years of endless

side roads and pointless detours.

My theory for life is

simple... shortcuts.

Shortcuts.

You know what? This has been too

much academic debate for one day.

I'm sorry, Mike, okay?

I just had a really rough day.

How about some margaritas

at the deck bar?

And then how about a massage

by the expert hands of

a Kansas City farm boy?

If the client is not

completely satisfied,

she can return the

massage to the massager.

Thank god.

Hey, babe.

- Hi, honey.

- How are you?

Tired.

- Hi.

- Hi. Look what I brought you.

Oh, you're sweet, but I'm

so icky from the restaurant.

I just... I really want to

go in to take a shower.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's the... what's the rush?

This is a gorgeous evening?

Ha! It's L.A. They are

all gorgeous evenings.

Yeah, but, this is an

especially romantic evening,

isn't it? Clear...

Not so much 'cause we're

right by the dumpster,

and the trash guy forgot to

stop on our street again.

So, listen, I'm gonna go in,

I'm gonna take a shower,

and then maybe I can muster

a little romance for you.

- Hold... hold on. What's the rush?

- I got to go! I'm gross. Crap.

Dude, you don't have

to leave, all right?

You just can't put me on

watch dog anymore, all right?

Yeah. I mean, you are more than welcome

to stay with us whenever you want.

You and Scotty have known

each other since birth.

I only barged into your

lives about a year ago.

Barging in on me was not cool.

I know. I'm sorry, but, you know,

you can't barge in and expect to become

one of them in six months, either.

"One of them"? "Them"? What...

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