Divorce Invitation Page #2

what does that even mean? Really?

Dylan and I are in love. Okay?

Why you guys so worried about this now?

Dude, she's the one who got

you the Lipnick job, remember?

She just don't want to get fired when

the christian sh*t hits the jewish fan.

No. No, I'm not worried about that.

I am a phenomenal waitress,

but I am worried about you. I mean,

if you're really considering marrying

Dylan, I just might think again.

Her grandparents are very old school.

I mean, they are super-super-religious.

So? My parents are super-religious.

They don't care if I marry a jewish girl.

Mike, are you sure?

'Cause growing in Punkton, Kansas,

I doubt anybody could tell Jewish

from Amish. Remember facial hair?

If you had facial hair, you were an

alien from outer space. True story.

Scotty, you can't change my

mind on this, okay? She's...

She's just made for me.

She's made for you. Hey, man, what

happened to the Mike I used to know?

The one who would only take the

richest dude's daughter to the prom?

Where's he at? Can I see him?

- Yeah.

- I miss him.

And what happened to the stock broker who

wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee

without looking at her profile first?

He grew up. He fell in love.

Besides, do not underestimate

the potential of this restaurant.

- We are really close to franchising this.

- Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.

See, I thought... I thought amigo was in

love with seorita, not the restaurante.

Amigo in love with seorita,

not the restaurante.

Scotty, don't be a schmuck!

Besides, I'm thinking about Paul

and Elaine in this whole thing.

I mean, how can they say no

to a guy who is about to

- revolutionize their family business?

- Family business?

You would have to die and be reborn

jewish for them to consider you family.

Oy! Please! I could be as

Jewish as they wanted me to be!

- Just wait until you see Jeremy.

- Who?

- Who?

- The bicycle guy?

Yeah. The Lipnicks totally

drool over him. Okay?

He's straight out of frickin' "Fiddler on

the Roof." And now that he's back in town,

they're gonna try to set Dylan

up with him. Just wait and see.

Sweetheart, we need to

buy more sugar packets.

I know. And we're running

out of baked apples.

Oh, I thought we had so many.

- No, we don't.

- What about the halva?

- The halva... chocolate-covered halva.

- Oh, I love it.

- Yeah.

- A lot of people like it.

- Oh, I'm sorry. We're actually not open yet.

- Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm family.

Would you mind telling me

who you're related to?

- Look who's here. Jeremy! Bubala!

- Jeremy!

Paul! Ooh! Bubbie Elaine.

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you.

I brought you these... to congratulate

you on Delilah's graduation.

- How nice of you to remember.

- Where is our beautiful Delilah?

She's not here now. But you are...

join us for lunch.

Oh, we have some delicious food here.

There is nothing I would love more than

grandma's delicious tongue on rye.

But, unfortunately, I have to run. I'll be

back later, though, to pick up Delilah.

She doesn't know it yet, but...

I got her tickets to see the

symphony at the Hollywood bowl.

- Wonderful!

- Fabulous!

Michael, would you put these lovely

flowers in some water, please?

He's our new assistant manager.

Hi. Mike. Mike Christian.

Jeremy. Jeremy Jew.

- Stop it.

- Yeah, that's funny.

Christian is my real

last name, actually.

Well, Jew's mine, too. And if you believe

that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn

I'd love to sell you.

Got it. Yeah.

Dylan's at the dentist right now,

and actually, I think she has plans later.

Really? I thought you were

the assistant manager.

What, are you her

personal secretary, too?

- No, I'm her boyfriend.

- What? Wh-what did you say?

Paul, Elaine, I didn't want

you guys to find out like this.

I mean, you guys have taken me in,

and you've treated me like family.

But I guess now is as

good a time as any.

- I'm in love with your granddaughter.

- In love?

You're fired! Get out!

- Paul, let me explain.

- Out!

- We don't want to see you. Go.

- What's going on?

There's just one question I

need to ask you before I leave.

Dylan Lipnick, I want to spend

the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

- No!

- No! No!

I'm serious. I'm committed.

I need your answer... yes or no?

Oh, my god.

- Yes!

- Yes?

- Yes!

- Are you serious?

Oh, but... no. This is a sham!

Those flowers Jeremy brought for you.

Then that's what the invites will say...

"Flowers by Jeremy... Jeremy Jew."

You know what? Jeremy was even

kind enough to buy concert tickets.

Yes.

- For us.

- No!

No?

Yes.

- Delilah...

- Thank you.

...I want to see you

in my booth right now.

Oy.

You've known this man

for only a few months,

and now you're ready to marry him?

What do you know about him?

I know he's a good man with a

brilliant head on his shoulders.

He's a self-directed man

with ambition and dreams.

And he loves me to bits, grandpa.

What more can I ask for?

Jeremy waited years for

you to finish school.

At least you could've given it a try,

gone out with him, something.

He's not my type, grandma.

He's too...

Too what?

- I don't... I don't know. He's too...

- Jewish? Too jewish?

Like all those worthless

people in our family?

Like all the generations who suffered

so you could have a better life?

Like us, I suppose?

Come here, sweetheart. Listen to me.

I have never seen your

grandpa this hurt.

Please, just let it go for a while.

Let it be. All right?

They've given up so much

to give me a better life.

And what do I do in return?

I crush them.

Okay, so, I want to go through

an authentic conversion,

one that follows the

most ancient of rituals.

You do understand that this will

require a circumcision, yeah?

Yes, I do.

And you're kidding me, right?

It's a joke.

Oh, I get it. This is an episode

of a reality show, and I'm in it.

And I bet you my agent set it up. Max?

Max, where are you, you little rat? Max?

- No?

- No.

You're serious.

All right, I have to

explain what it is.

We don't have to take off the whole

megillah. We got to make a cut.

But there's gonna be some blood,

there's gonna be a scalpel,

there's gonna be an owie on

your pee-pee, all right?

I got a question to ask you.

On a scale of 1 to 10,

how much pain can you take it?

- 8.5.

- No, no. No, no, no. Not 8.5.

I'm... I'm more of

like a 2.1 kind of guy.

You said you were in love.

And this is your best friend, yeah?

8.5.

Okay. For love.

- Hey, kid.

- 8.5.

Drink to that.

Under strict rabbinical law,

I have to tell you,

you've got to ask me

three times so I can do it.

- Please?

- No.

- Please?

- No.

- Please?

- Okay! That's all right.

We're gonna do it. All right.

And I'm gonna sing to you like a father

would sing to his little Jewish boy.

Wow! I feel Jewish already.

Oh, look! My foreskin just fell off!

No, it... it didn't.

You still have to cut it off.

You look Jewish a little bit.

Welcome, welcome, my dear friends.

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