Divorce Invitation Page #3

Good afternoon.

Today, we're going to have a ceremony

which you will never forget the

rest of your life, I assure you.

We have a young man outside of our shul

but with a great deal of love in his heart,

who has come here today to express

his love and admiration for our religion.

He wants to be converted in

the most traditional way...

with our oldest ritual, the bris.

Rabbi.

Are you comfortable?

Yeah. Are you comfortable?

I make a living. Are you confident?

- Yeah. Are you confident?

- They're not gonna cut me.

Boychick, how you feeling? See?

Wasn't so bad.

Yeah. Not so bad.

Heimlich.

So, we have some oils here

that'll make you feel better.

We have everything from something

that's soothing and gentle

to healing and stinging.

How about some wine?

You're serious? All right.

- He's chosen wine.

- Wine it is. Don't worry.

- You're a brave young man.

- Oh, yes. Here we go.

- Mazel Tov.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Mazel Tov.

Oh. Oh, you came.

Oh, that means so much to me.

Dylan... Dylan loves you so much,

and she was afraid you weren't

gonna accept me and... Thank you.

Who told you this Daniel Nudnick

was qualified to do this?

You need to study six mon...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

I know. I am studying.

I just couldn't stay away

from my Dylan that long.

Excuse me.

Oh, Paul?

Let's keep this

a surprise, between us.

Careful.

Okay, I'll be right back with some pepper.

Do you need anything else?

- Just that.

- Okay, all right, great.

- Hey.

- Where's Mike?

Oh, why don't you ask

our new head manager?

Proudest jew on the block.

Why would you do that?

Hire him as head manager?

No matter what you say or do,

I am never going out with him.

Well, sorry to hear that,

but maybe you should tell him yourself.

Go ahead. Tell him.

Look, I know that this might disappoint

you, but will you please just

- leave me alone?

- Oy! What am I, chopped liver?

Fine. I'm leaving.

I don't need your Tsuris.

Mike? What is this?

Yesterday was a surprise...

a profound surprise for us, as well.

He put himself through the whole

nine yards, including a traditional bris.

Who knew he was gonna

be studying Hebrew?

You didn't have to...

I can't believe you did all this.

- May I, with your permission?

- Of course.

Oh, my god.

- Mazel Tov.

- Mazel Tov.

- Every happiness.

- It's amazing.

- You like... oh, careful down there.

- Oh, sorry.

Roger!

- What happened?

- Come here! Come on!

- What? What?

- Oh, my god.

- You have to see this.

- What?

No, no, no, no!

You have to read it yourself!

Hands are all wet.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Honey, Jesus was Jewish.

Gosh. Isn't she beautiful?

Well, yeah, but...

I wish he would've told us.

Honey, Mike has finally

found somebody he loves.

I'm going. Are you gonna join me?

Of course I'm gonna join you.

But I'm not joining anything else.

So, how many guests so far?

Our side, we're at 200, plus you added 49,

including the stock-market janitors?

Oh, good! Yes! I love those guys.

Honey, it's getting late.

Don't you have to go home?

Yeah. So, I don't want

you to misunderstand me.

Feel free... tell me what you think.

What's this?

It's our prenup.

No!

- Hey, guys! Scotty, come here!

- Yo!

You guys, we are like real celebrities.

We are like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

We have got a prenup. Yeah!

This is a... this is a prenup?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Prenup.

- This is more like a phone book.

- Wow. Yeah.

Okay. I know it's a bit long,

but you understand why.

Oh, I know! I know! I know.

Because in our Jewish culture,

before the wedding,

we sign a thing called a "Patuka."

- A what?

- A what?

A "Topanga."

A... bazooka.

Umbutcha. Tenduka, Cambuna,

Hakuna, Cadzuki, Shiitake.

- It's a Ketubah...

- Ketubah! Yes!

...Mr. Jewish groom.

And Ketubah is just one page.

This is way more than one page.

This is... a lot of pages.

Honey, yeah, this is a little...

Are you sure this is our prenup?

It looks more like your thesis.

Just read it and let me know if

you want to make any changes.

- Love you.

- I love you.

- Bye.

- I love our prenup!

I'm glad.

Dude, what are you doing?

You got to read this sh*t.

Dude, how many credit

cards do you sign up for?

You just sign "I agree" without

even reading it. Come on.

Dude, this is your life we're talking

about here, not a credit card, okay?

Look, there's an attorney

in my cigar club.

He owes me a favor. We'll let

him read it first, all right?

- Just let him read it.

- Dude, it's fine.

Look... "sign here."

You're out of your mind.

He's in love.

- I'm in love!

- Love makes you stupid.

- Like "wow! Stupid!"

- Love makes me stupid.

Where are we going?

What are we doing here?

Don't worry about it. Thank you.

- Honey, what are we doing?

- Just get the bag.

Come on.

Honey, whose house is this?

Wow. God.

Wow.

Turn it on.

- Welcome to your new home!

- Have a very happy married life, darlings!

Have a blast!

- No. No!

- Yeah.

Oh, my god!

I don't want them watching.

Lipnick's. What the hell kind

of name is that, anyway?

It's the name that's gonna

make you money, Rick.

Okay, now, what's the plan of attack?

V.C.s or angels?

No, no, no, no. I'd go big.

On that note,

I know you guys can't afford a 15%

finder's fee, so figured I'd make it 10%?

5% is industry standard.

Come on, Scotty.

- 5.5%.

- 8.5%.

- No! It hurts.

- Damn. Okay. 5.5%.

Fine. Not a cent less,

not a cent more.

Gentlemen, our board of

directors loves your plan.

However, our C.E.O. is

leaving town for two weeks,

so we'd like to ask you not to approach

any other companies until she's back,

and then we can

finalize your contract.

Well, we have two

other meetings set up.

We do?

- Yeah, we... we do.

- Two weeks is a long time.

Come on. She knows the deal. Why not

just give us the answer right now.

I wish I could, but she's

heading to the airport right now.

Is that your C.E.O. right there?

Yes. And that's Ms. Birch.

Come on. Just let us talk

to her for like one minute.

'Fraid I can't.

Well, we're afraid we'll have to

pursue our other options, then.

Give me one minute.

The gentlemen from the restaurant are here.

They'd like to speak with you just briefly.

I'm on my way to a

business and golf trip.

I don't have time for this.

Please just reschedule.

Now is not a good

time to talk to her.

I'm afraid you're just

going to have to wait.

Did I hear her say something

about a golf outing?

Ms. Birch is on her way to a financial

summit in Scottsdale, Arizona,

but all the best deals

are done on the links.

You know what? We might just have

to go and play the back nine with her.

I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

You know, there actually are other places

we can go. I think we should look into it.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Grandmother's famous

recipe for tongue on rye.

- It sounded like you said "tongue."

- I did.

- It's cow tongue.

- Oh, cow tongue. Yeah, you know,

I'm a diabetic, so tongue, lips,

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