Doctor Dolittle Page #3

- Right here, fat boy.

Put it right here. I'll murderise you!

- Stick 'em up, you little rat!

- Ow! Ooh! Hey, come here, you gerbil!

- Hey, what are you looking at?

- Me?

Yeah, you. Who else, buddy?

I'm lookin' at a couple of greasy rats

fightin' over garbage.

Come here and say that,

you four-eyed dufus biped!

I'll get bubonic on your ass. Come here!

What if I take that light bulb,

put it between your butt cheeks...

...and make a rodent lamp out of you?

Let me tell you somethin'.

I'm a human. I'm a human.

Hey. Sam, how are you? How are you?

Thanks for comin' down, Sam. Thanks.

- There's no abnormalities of any kind.

- All right, then.

- Why are you hearing animal voices?

- Exactly.

Why do I think I am if everything is fine?

I tell you, Sam...

...I don't wanna wind up like one of these guys

on the street, talking to myself...

...and stinking, with my hair all matted.

It's not a cool look.

Have you been under

any unusual stress lately?

Not really. My wife's been giving me

a hard time about Calnet, but that can't be it.

- Ah, small potatoes.

- I did hit a dog the other day.

Oh, my God! A dog?

- Hey, make me feel worse, huh?

- Well, I'm sorry, but a little doggie?

- The dog was fine. It got up and ran off.

- He was injured?

He felt well enough to scream out

"bonehead" before he left.

- John, the dog couldn't have spoken to you.

- Well, Sam, with all due respect...

No, John. The dog did not speak to you.

Maybe you're right.

I'm sorry I woke you up for this.

Thanks.

- Hi, honey.

- Are you all right?

- I'm OK.

- Are you sure?

Really. I just freaked out a little bit.

- What's wrong?

- I got stress I been under.

- From what?

- The merger and the practice.

It's all come to a head, and... I'm sorry.

OK, John, just... come back out here, OK?

Yeah, I'm on my w...

Yeah, I'm on my way out now.

Bonehead!

- I'll see you in a few.

- John?

John?

- 'Scuse me. Where's the stray dogs?

- Right this way.

- Hey, yo!

- What's up?

Hey, buddy!

Over here!

Hey, mister.

Bet you I won't bite nobody again.

I am Keyser Soze.

I have owners!

They've just been out of town for a few...

...a few... years.

- Dead dog walkin'.

- Oh, that does not sound good.

When are we gonna get

some decent chow in here?

Hey, thanks a lot. Whoa, that was close, huh?

Hey, hey, you got kids?

Kids, they're the greatest.

- Kids are great(!) What the hell is goin' on?

- Hey, you understood me.

You don't say.

How come I can understand you talkin'?

I don't know. Maybe you're just weird.

Hey, shut up. You're a dog. Dogs can't talk.

What do you think barking is?

An involuntary spasm(?)

I don't know what it is.

I know you're not barking.

And I'm going to be with my family.

Good luck to you.

That's it?

Ohh! Ohh!

It must be that truck exhaust or something.

Oh, no! Everything's going black.

Ohh, ohh!

It's not good!

Thank you. Oops!

Hoo!

Is that the biggest ass you've ever seen?

Lie down.

Lie down! Lie down, Chauncy!

- He's deaf.

- I'm not. I just can't stand listening to her.

Just don't fix me, OK? Please. Don't fix me.

I won't look at another female ever, I swear.

Anything but my manhood, man.

Not my manhood, please! I'm...

Yo, baby, what's up?

You lookin' sweet there, sugar. Is it the...

No! Don't, please!

Please, ju... No, no, no, don't!

Please, I'm begging you!

Dolittle.

Come on.

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I really think it's pulmonary distress.

And he might have fluid on his lungs.

- Oh, let me guess. You're an MD.

- Yes, I am.

I can always tell when a real doctor comes in.

They always do a little amateur diagnosis.

- Tell him to get away from my butt.

- I did go to veterinary school for five years.

Is itjust me,

or is he hovering around my butt a lot?

And unlike an MD,

my patient cannot tell me where it hurts.

Seriously,

could you tell him my butt is great?

So, Doctor, if you don't mind...

Hey, where's he's gonna put that?

Look, look, I was faking it, OK? I feel fine.

Just don't let him stick that...

Hello!

Let's just have a listen to those lungs.

I'm gonna swallow it.

And I don't mean in my mouth.

Dr Fish, I should pull that out a little bit.

- Don't you touch that.

- It's headin' in. It's goin' south for the winter.

Now, you see? I have to interpret

what the dog is moaning about.

What's to interpret?

There's a thermometer. It's in my butt.

- Take it easy. It'll be over in a minute.

- What?

- Yes.

- Well, there it goes. Buttjust swallowed it.

Uh, Doctor? I'm just guessing, but I think

you might have just lost your thermometer.

It's gone.

Uh... All right, I have three... options.

- One:
I can manually retrieve it.

- What's he sayin'?

Options. Retrieve it manually.

- Pass.

- Two:
Give the dog a laxative and wait it out.

And three:
Surgically remove it.

- A laxative or surgery.

- Laxative!

Why don't you just give him a laxative?

Lt'd probably come out later on.

- Never works.

- So what would you suggest?

I'd like to go in manually.

- Here we go.

- Oh, my Lord! Oh!

Oh, this is not good. Oh, Lassie go home!

Ee! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ee! Ah! Oh! Oh!

Why on earth would a guy

go into a line of work like that?

- All right. That's it for you. Hit the road.

- What? But I'm your pet.

You are not my pet. If I were gonna get a pet,

I wouldn't get one as annoying as you. Go!

Hey, don't worry about it.

You sprung me from the joint. I'm thankful.

- Yeah... Just go!

- Don't worry about me.

I'll just be goin' down the road,

disappearing without a trace.

I hope a car doesn't hit me.

Oh, well, one less dog.

- Dolittle.

- Hi, Daddy.

- Hey, baby. How you doin'?

- Am I gonna see you before I go to camp?

I'm really workin' on it.

Get outta here!

- Daddy, is that a dog?

- Yeah, but it's a...

- Mommy, guess what. Daddy got me a dog!

- Oh, no! Daddy didn't...

Hey! Is that what you've

been up to, you sneak?

Oh, you caught me.

What? I have allergies.

Yeah, I guess, uh... we'll see you at camp.

Grandpa, Daddy got me a dog!

He got me a dog.

Can you believe it? My own dog.

CAMP HAWKEYE:

Hi!

- They'll wanna know your name.

- I don't have one.

- We'll have to think of one.

- Let me see.

A little girl once called me

"Please, Mommy, not him." How about that?

Nah, that's not gonna work.

You got red hair. How about Lucy?

Yes, I like that. Lucy. Just one problem.

- I'm a guy.

- Really? How about Lucky?

Perfect. Lucky, yes! "Hi, I'm Lucky!"

Hey, it works on two levels. I love it.

Daddy!

- That's my daughter. Be nice.

- Oh, you got me a dog! Oh, he's adorable!

Oh, you're such a cute dog.

- What's his name?

- Lucky.

- Does he do any tricks?

- He does a neat trick with a thermometer.

- Hey, baby.

- Hey, baby.

- You got her a dog!

- Yeah, well, I got us a dog.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Come on, let's get you all set up here.

- Come on, Maya.

- Oh, look at this nice rabbit on your door.

Oh, this is nice!

- Yeah!

- What a fun cabin!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes