Doctor in the House Page #7

the magistrate gave us.

I've already pawned my microscope.

Well, Mrs Rivington-Lomax can't help.

I've just paid for the car.

We're done. Pay fines in 24 hours -

that's the rule.

You realise, you miserable worms,

that you have disgraced the hospital?

Well, you've had your punishment,

and richly deserved, too.

In my day,

they'd have thrown you out.

Behaving like hooligans

because we won a football match.

Here, you. Take this prescription

and get it filled straight away.

The old so-and-so.

- What's his prescription for?

- Arsenic for himself, I hope.

What does it say, Simon?

"Pay Simon Sparrow 40 pounds -

Lancelot Spratt."

Stella, my little flower,

would you give me

a long, lingering kiss?

- No.

- Why?

- I'm reading.

- What?

A pamphlet about Spain.

About Spain? Why?

I think I might go there.

What for?

You'll never be a doctor, ever.

You should be studying

for your final exams

and all you do

is lie on that sofa and dream.

Nonsense.

The finals aren't for ages yet.

The finals are in exactly four weeks.

Tony! Taffy!

- The finals are in four weeks!

- Four weeks!

Four weeks! I'm sunk, man.

Holy cats!

Where are my notebooks?

Joy, tell me the answer, please.

- Don't you know?

- No.

- Guess.

- I can't. Go on. Tell me, please.

All right.

Six grains for three doses, followed

by three grains for two days,

and half that dose for two days.

- I'll never pass.

- Of course you will.

I'll ask you something else.

What are the signs and symptoms

of pink disease?

I didn't know there was such a thing.

Joy?

- Yes?

- I've been thinking.

If I do qualify, I shan't

be seeing so much of you, shall I?

- No, I suppose not.

- Are you always going to be a nurse?

I expect so. Is a presystolic murmur

diagnostic of mitral stenosis?

Yes.

It would be funny if we met some time

in a hospital and we were both old,

and you were a matron,

and I was a Harley Street specialist.

Yes.

You'd better ask me something else.

- Do you mind doing this?

- Of course I don't mind.

What is the treatment for...?

- What's it striking?

- What? Quarter to.

I haven't got a late pass.

I must dash!

I'll come with you.

- What's the time?

- Three minutes past.

- I'll have to get over the roof.

- I'll help you.

- Good night.

- Good night.

See you in the wards,

and don't worry about the exam.

Good night.

...it's a question

for the governors.

Until they give a decision,

our hands are completely tied.

I agree, but we could hurry them up.

Well, you know what governors are.

- What was that?

- One of those cats, I should think.

Matron, about that meeting...

Hey!

Help! Help!

There's a man in my room!

Oh!

- Sister Virtue!

- Mr Sparrow! Good of you to drop in.

- I slipped.

- You certainly did, Mr Sparrow.

Simon! Simon, are you all right?

Oh, Nurse Gibson, won't you join us?

- Oh!

- Oh!

You know that it is against the rules

of the medical school

for a student to enter the nurses'

home on any pretext.

Yes, sir. I didn't actually mean

to enter them, sir.

That is, to say the least,

questionable,

as you were with one of the inmates.

And anyway, the roof is equally

out of bounds. Is it not?

- Yes, sir.

- Your conduct was incompatible

with that required

of a future doctor.

You are expelled forthwith

from the medical school.

- But, sir, I...

- That's all, Mr Sparrow.

Wait a minute, boy.

I say, Dean. I know rules are rules

but he hasn't done the girl any harm,

and it's just before his finals.

He should have considered that

before.

Oh, but medical students

are medical students, not choirboys.

Besides, he's the finest rugby player

we've had.

I am dean of a medical school,

not a football manager.

No, I'm afraid my decision

is irrevocable, Sir Lancelot.

Parrish, do you remember

when we were students?

There was a terrific rag one term

after some match.

- There were plenty.

- I'm reminded of one particular one,

where someone led a horse

into the nurses' home.

Oh, I remember.

It was a large white one, wasn't it?

- Well, it was large.

- That's it.

- This is irrelevant.

- He got a nurse to play Lady Godiva

and ride around the courtyard.

- She did, bless her.

- Who was it? I can't remember.

I expect I'm the only person

who hasn't forgotten.

- I remember who it was.

- Sir Lancelot...

Pity these stories should die.

I think I'll tell that one

to the students as light relief.

They'd love it, especially

if they knew who was involved.

Who was it? Do remind me, I...

Oh, yes. I remember now.

Yes, that story would be quite

sensational if it got around.

Just what I was thinking.

Mr Sparrow, would you wait outside?

Well, he sacked me, then they started

talking about horses or something.

Then he said he'd changed his mind

and fined me ten quid

and the cost of the skylight.

- What happened to you?

- It was extraordinary.

I was in Sister Virtue's office

waiting, and the phone went.

She answered, talked for a bit,

then went white.

I thought she'd pass out.

Then she hung up and said

this time, she'd overlook it.

- Who was on the phone?

- It sounded like Sir Lancelot.

- What did he say?

- I thought I heard "Lady Godiva".

- Mmm?

- Lady Godiva.

Sit down, my boy. Sit down.

Don't waste time.

Now, do you know which mosquitoes

transmit disease to man?

Malaria.

The female anopheline mosquito.

Yes, a theory first postulated

in 1894 by Sir Patrick Manson.

Manson... I remember him well.

Charming man. Charming. We met at the

BMA meeting in 1914... or was it '13?

Well, it might have been '19.

Now, how do you diagnose malaria?

Erm... Spleen?

Yes, that's right. Oh, very good,

my boy. Very good. Your question.

What is the commonest cause

of acute heart failure?

Shock, sir. Severe shock.

Now, my lad. Take a look in there

and tell me what you can see.

Be careful. Those things cost money.

Well, what is it?

- Trichinosis, sir.

- What?

It's some kind of worm.

I can't quite recognise them.

Worms?

Perhaps if you removed your tie from

the field of vision, it would help.

Sorry, sir.

That would be the worms turning,

I presume.

Well, my boy. Where do you come from?

St Swithins, sir. Number 306.

Right. Now, you see these screens?

Well, behind these

are ladies and gentlemen

who volunteered to be prodded around

by you blighters,

so you can tell us what's wrong.

You go to number ten,

make a thorough diagnosis,

and I'll come along and see

what you've rooted out.

- Hello, guv'nor.

- Briggs! What are you doing here?

- How's that little nurse?

- Fine. I thought we'd cured you.

I've got new things now.

Beautiful mess, I am.

I'm their most interesting case

for years. I've got thyro...

- I've got to find out myself.

- Don't interrupt. Thyrotoxicosis,

thrombophlebitis obliterans,

tremors of the fingers,

- loss of weight, palpitations...

- Shut up. Be quiet.

- Ribs, sir.

- What's wrong with them?

- Empyema, sir.

- Mm-hmm.

And that?

- Femur, sir.

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