Doctor Who The Lodger Page #2

Season #5 Episode #11

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CRAIG:
Right. Where's your stuff?

The Doctor:
Oh, don't worry, it'll materialise. If all goes to plan.

[TARDIS]

(Amy is running around the console and sparks are flying off it. The TARDIS tries to land but if fails and goes off into the time vortex.)

Amy:
Come on, which one? Which one? No. Why won't you land?

[Flat]

(Craig sits down on the couch while The Doctor sits on a chair beside him. He is very satisfied from The Doctor's omelette.)

CRAIG:
Oh, that was incredible. That was absolutely brilliant. Where did you learn to cook?

The Doctor:
Paris, in the eighteenth century. No, hang on, that's not recent, is it? Seventeenth? No, no, no.

Twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order.

CRAIG:
Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?

The Doctor:
They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?

CRAIG:
Nah. I can't see the point of Paris. I'm not much of a traveller.

The Doctor:
I can tell from your sofa.

CRAIG:
My sofa?

The Doctor:
You're starting to look like it.

CRAIG:
Thanks, mate, that's lovely. No, I like it here. I'd miss it, I'd miss-

The Doctor:
Those keys.

CRAIG:
What?

The Doctor:
You're sort of fondling them.

CRAIG:
I'm holding them.

The Doctor:
Right.

CRAIG:
Anyway. These, these are your keys.

The Doctor:
I can stay?

CRAIG:
Yeah, you're weird and you can cook. It's good enough for me. Right. Outdoor, front door, your door.

The Doctor:
My door. My place. My gaff. Ha ha! Yes. Me with a key.

CRAIG:
And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, okay?

The Doctor:
Why would I want that?

CRAIG:
In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or, a boyfriend?

The Doctor:
Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens. Yes. Something like, I was not expecting this! By the way, that. The rot. I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it.

[Doctor's Room]

(The Doctor lies on the bed and has a earpod. It is night.)

The Doctor:
Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond.

[TARDIS]

The Doctor[OC]:
Come in Pond.

Amy:
Doctor!

(Massive feedback through the earpiece.)

Amy:
Sorry.

The Doctor:
Could you not wreck my new earpiece, Pond?

[Craig's Room]

(Craig is on his phone, talking to Sophie. The scene changes from Sophie's to Craig's room multiple times. They're both lying in bed.)

CRAIG:
No, I mean, he seems a laugh. He's a bit weird. Good weird, you know?

SOPHIE [OC]:
And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag?

CRAIG:
Yeah.

Sophie:
Wait. The Doctor. Craig, what if he's a dealer?

CRAIG:
chuckles

[Aickman Road]

(A lady is walking down the sidewalk, tired from a night at the club.)

MAN [OC]:
Hello. Stop, please. Can you hear me? I need your help.

[The Doctor's Room]

The Doctor:
How's the TARDIS coping?

[TARDIS]

(Amy holds up the intercom)

Amy:
See for yourself

(The TARDIS makes distorted noises.)

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Ooo, nasty. She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again-

[TARDIS]

The Doctor[OC]:
But she can't.

Amy:
Hmm. And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat. So, go upstairs and sort it.

[Aickman Road]

Man[OC]:
Please my little girl's hurt

(The woman goes inside.)

[Doctor's Room]

The Doctor:
I don't know what it is yet. Anything that can stop the Tardis from landing is big. Scary big.

[Tardis]

AMY:
Wait. Are you scared?

[Stairway]

(A different man is standing atop the doorway.)

Man[OC]:
'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please?

Woman:
Help you?

(She goes up the stairs.)

[Craig's room]

Sophie [OC]:
A bow tie? Are you serious?

The Doctor [OC]:
Be fair. Could be even

Craig:
Hang on a sec.

Sophie:
Craig?

(Craig gets up and walks across the room to the wall.)

Sophie [OC]:
Craig?

DOCTOR [OC]:
Orange juice. Neocene Arbuckle. Rare tarantula on the table. Oh.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it. And it is vital that this man upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am. So no sonicking. No advanced technology. I can only use this because we're on scramble. To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish.

[Craig's room]

The Doctor[OC]:
Practical eruption in chicken. Descartes Lombardy spiral.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

Amy [OC]:
Have you seen you?

The Doctor:
So you're just going to be snide. No helpful hints?

[TARDIS]

Amy:
Here's one. Bowtie. Get rid.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Bow ties are cool. Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke. Tell me what normal blokes do.

AMY [OC]:
They watch telly, they play football

[TARDIS]

Amy:
They go down the pub.

[Doctor's room]

[Tardis]

The Doctor:
I could do these things. I don't, but I could.

(Bang upstairs.)

The Doctor:
Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. Amy?

(The Tardis is going crazy and the hands on the Doctor's alarm clock and wrist watch are going backwards and forwards very rapidly.)

The Doctor:
Interesting. Localised time loop.

[Tardis]

Amy:
Ow. What's all that?

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Time distortion. Whatever's happening upstairs is still affecting you.

(Lights are flashing in the upstairs flat. The woman is screaming.)

[Tardis]

Amy:
It's stopped. Ish.

[Doctor's room]

Amy [OC]:
How about your end?

The Doctor:
My end's good.

Amy [OC]:
So

[Tardis]

Amy:
Doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about?

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
No, no, no, not really. Just keep the zigzag plotter on full.

[Tardis]

The Doctor [OC]:
That'll protect you.

AMY:
Ow.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Amy, I said the zigzag plotter.

[Tardis]

Amy:
I pulled the zigzag plotter.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
What, you're standing with the door behind you?

[Tardis]

Amy:
Yes.

[Doctor's room]

The Doctor:
Okay, take two steps to your right and pull it again. Now I must not use the sonic.

[Tardis]

The Doctor [OC]:
Need to pick up a few items.

AMY:
Hey.

[Aickman Road]

(The Doctor returns to the terrace with a shopping trolley full of miscellanea. A cat meows.)

The Doctor:
Shush. Don't get comfortable.

[Corridor]

(Craig is waiting for the bathroom. The Doctor is singing to the tune of La Donna e mobile.)

The Doctor [OC]:
Ta ra ra boom de ay quanda rilo, something is happening.)

Craig:
Doctor.

The Doctor [OC]:
Hello?

Craig:
How long are you going to be in there?

The Doctor [OC]:
Oh, sorry. I like a good soak.

(Banging from upstairs.)

Craig:
What the hell was that?

[Bathroom]

(The Doctor is in the shower.)

The Doctor:
What did you say?

[Corridor]

Craig:
I'm just going to go upstairs. See if he's okay.

[Bathroom]

The Doctor:
Sorry?

(Craig goes up the stairs.)

The Doctor:
What did you say?

[Upstairs door]

(An old man opens the door on the chain. His face is obscured.)

Man:
Yes? Hello?

[Upstairs door]

Craig:
It's me from downstairs. I heard a big bang.

[Bathroom]

The Doctor:
No choice. It's sonicking time.

(The Doctor grabs an electric toothbrush by mistake.)

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