Doctor Who The Lodger Page #6

Season #5 Episode #11

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[Tardis]

(The Tardis is struggling to stay solid.)

AMY:
Come on, which one? Which one? No. Why won't you land?

[Flat]

(The omelettes have been demolished.)

CRAIG:
Oh, that was incredible. That was absolutely brilliant. Where did you learn to cook?

DOCTOR:
Paris, in the eighteenth century. No, hang on, that's not recent, is it? Seventeenth? No, no, no. Twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order.

CRAIG:
Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?

DOCTOR:
They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?

CRAIG:
Nah. I can't see the point of Paris. I'm not much of a traveller.

DOCTOR:
I can tell from your sofa.

CRAIG:
My sofa?

DOCTOR:
You're starting to look like it.

CRAIG:
Thanks, mate, that's lovely. No, I like it here. I'd miss it, I'd miss

DOCTOR:
Those keys.

CRAIG:
What?

DOCTOR:
You're sort of fondling them.

CRAIG:
I'm holding them.

DOCTOR:
Right.

CRAIG:
Anyway. These, these are your keys.

DOCTOR:
I can stay?

CRAIG:
Yeah, you're weird and you can cook. It's good enough for me. Right. Outdoor, front door, your door.

DOCTOR:
My door. My place. My gaff. Ha ha! Yes. Me with a key.

CRAIG:
And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, okay?

DOCTOR:
Why would I want that?

CRAIG:
In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or, a boyfriend?

CRAIG:
Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens. Yes. Something like, I was not expecting this! By the way, that. The rot. I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]:
Come in, Pond.

AMY:
Doctor!

(Massive feedback through the earpiece.)

AMY:
Sorry.

DOCTOR:
Could you not wreck my new earpiece, Pond?

[Craig's room]

(Craig is on his phone and looking at the bank notes.)

CRAIG:
No, I mean, he seems a laugh. He's a bit weird. Good weird, you know?

SOPHIE [OC]:
And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag?

CRAIG:
Yeah.

[Sophie's room]

SOPHIE:
Wait, wait. The Doctor?

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]:
Craig, what if he's a dealer?

[Aickman Road]

(A woman is walking along after a late night at a club.)

MAN [OC]:
Hello. Stop, please. Can you hear me? I need your help.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
How's the Tardis coping?

[Tardis]

(Amy holds out the hand set.)

AMY:
See for yourself.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Ooo, nasty. She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]:
But she can't.

AMY:
Hmm. And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat. So, go upstairs and sort it.

[Aickman Road]

MAN [OC]:
Please. My little girl's hurt.

(The woman goes inside.)

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
I don't know what it is yet. Anything that can stop the Tardis from landing is big. Scary big.

[Tardis]

AMY:
Wait. Are you scared?

[House]

(A seemingly younger man is standing at the top of the stairs.)

MAN [OC]:
I'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please?

CLUBBER:
Help you?

(She goes up the stairs.)

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]:
A bow tie? Are you serious?

DOCTOR [OC]:
Be fair. Could be even

CRAIG:
Hang on a sec.

[Sophie's room]

SOPHIE:
What? Craig.

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]:
Craig?

(Craig has got out of bed to listen to the Doctor's voice coming through the wall.)

DOCTOR [OC]:
Orange juice. Neocene Arbuckle. Rare tarantula on the table. Oh.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it. And it is vital that this man upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am. So no sonicking. No advanced technology. I can only use this because we're on scramble. To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish.

[Craig's room]

DOCTOR [OC]:
Practical eruption in chicken. Descartes Lombardy spiral.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

AMY [OC]:
Have you seen you?

DOCTOR:
So you're just going to be snide. No helpful hints?

[Tardis]

AMY:
Hmm. Well, here's one. Bow tie, get rid.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Bow ties are cool. Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke. Tell me what normal blokes do.

AMY [OC]:
They watch telly, they play football

[Tardis]

AMY:
They go down the pub.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
I could do those things. I don't, but I could.

(Bang upstairs.)

DOCTOR:
Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. Amy?

(The Tardis is going crazy and the hands on the Doctor's alarm clock and wrist watch are going backwards and forwards very rapidly.)

DOCTOR:
Interesting. Localised time loop.

[Tardis]

AMY:
Ow. What's all that?

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Time distortion. Whatever's happening upstairs is still affecting you.

(Lights are flashing in the upstairs flat. The woman is screaming.)

[Tardis]

AMY:
It's stopped. Ish.

[Doctor's room]

AMY [OC]:
How about your end?

DOCTOR:
My end's good.

AMY [OC]:
So

[Tardis]

AMY:
Doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about?

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
No, no, no, not really. Just keep the zigzag plotter on full.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]:
That'll protect you.

AMY:
Ow.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Amy, I said the zigzag plotter.

[Tardis]

AMY:
I pulled the zigzag plotter.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
What, you're standing with the door behind you?

[Tardis]

AMY:
Yes.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR:
Okay, take two steps to your right and pull it again.

(Still the same switch, mind you.)

DOCTOR:
Now, I must not use the sonic. I've got work to do.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]:
Need to pick up a few items.

AMY:
Hey.

[Aickman Road]

(The Doctor returns to the terrace with a shopping trolley full of miscellanea. A cat protests.)

DOCTOR:
Shush. Don't get comfortable.

[Corridor]

(Craig is waiting for the bathroom. The Doctor is singing to the tune of La Donna e mobile.)

DOCTOR [OC]:
Ta ra ra boom de ay quanda rilo, something is happening.)

CRAIG:
Doctor.

DOCTOR [OC]:
Hello?

CRAIG:
How long are you going to be in there?

DOCTOR [OC]:
Oh, sorry. I like a good soak.

(Banging from upstairs.)

CRAIG:
What the hell was that?

[Bathroom]

(The Doctor is in the shower.)

DOCTOR:
What did you say?

[Corridor]

CRAIG:
I'm just going to go upstairs. See if he's okay.

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR:
Sorry?

(Craig goes up the stairs.)

DOCTOR:
What did you say?

[Upstairs door]

(A grey haired figure opens the door on the chain.)

MAN:
Yes? Hello?

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR:
Craig?

(The Doctor gets out of the shower, slips and falls.)

DOCTOR:
Ow.

[Upstairs door]

CRAIG:
It's me from downstairs. I heard a big bang.

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR:
No choice. It's sonicking time.

(The Doctor grabs an electric toothbrush.)

[Upstairs door]

MAN:
Thank you, Craig, but I don't need your help.

[House]

(The Doctor, with a towel around his waist, meets Craig at the foot of the stairs. He points the toothbrush at the upstairs door and makes it go whirr.)

DOCTOR:
What happened, what's going on?

CRAIG:
Is that my toothbrush?

DOCTOR:
Correct. You spoke to the man upstairs?

CRAIG:
Yeah.

DOCTOR:
What did he look like?

CRAIG:
More normal than you do at the moment, mate. What are you doing?

DOCTOR:
I thought you might be in trouble.

CRAIG:
Thanks. Well, if I ever am, you can come and save me with my toothbrush.

(Craig's phone rings inside the flat, so he goes to answer it. The Doctor starts up the stairs as Sophie comes in the front door.)

SOPHIE:
Oh! Hello.

DOCTOR:
Ah! Hello. The Doctor.

SOPHIE:
Right.

DOCTOR:
You must be Sophie.

(Air kisses for a greeting again.)

SOPHIE:
Oh. Oh.

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