Doghouse Page #2

We'll stay there while she's away.

What do you mean weird?

Well, it's just a dead-end

in the middle of the woods.

There's nothing there.

When I saw the booking

I thought it was a wind-up.

Mikey says the women

outnumber the men four to one.

- Yes, they do, Neil.

- Oh...

- And obviously they're all gagging for it.

- Obviously.

An entire village

full of man-hungry women

waiting to jump the first band

of desperados rolling up from London.

- Have you been there, then?

- Uh-uh.

My firm hasn't booked

a job to Moodley in years.

Oh, sod off.

Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm.

All is well.

Death is a natural part of life.

Anxiety about this

is an inbuilt survival reflex,

no longer required in this beautiful

predator-free world.

Welcome to the country.

I'll do it, then, shall I?

Yeah, well done.

What's your nana up to

this weekend, Mikey?

She's off on a cruise

while the builders are in.

What builders?

Oh, they'll be gone by the time

we come out of the pub.

What about when they're back

at dawn and start drilling holes?

- She doesn't know we're coming.

- Well... I did say...

- You f***in' idiot.

- Listen, man, I know where the key is!

Jesus! This gets better and better.

I might just stay on the minibus

and wait for the return trip.

Gentlemen, you are all past

the point of no return.

Oh, for f***'s sake, Mikey.

It's not me. It's not me!

Hello? Yeah...

I told you I'd sign the papers.

Solicitors always say that.

I can't do nothing today.

I'm not in London.

Moodley... Moodley!

What do you mean it's a sh*t hole?

Hello? Hello?

Not my PS...

That's it. Give us that f***ing thing.

I've had enough of this!

- I'm not having this.

- What are you gonna do?

- All the phones, off, in this bag.

- What?!

- OK? All of you. Come on!

- No, no, no, no.

Getting away from it all doesn't include

spousal abuse by T-Mobile.

- See you, darling.

- I need to ring my mum.

- You've got mine already.

- In the bag, sunshine.

- Ladies first.

- After you, then.

All right.

Mikey?! Is this it?

- Please tell me you took a wrong turn.

- Told you the place was a dead end.

Is that it? Is this?

Mikey!

We're in the middle of f***in' nowhere.

I'd leave all that, Mikey,

till we've done a bit of reconnaissance.

- We might not be staying.

- What do you mean not staying?

I'm off the clock for half an hour,

then I'm leaving...

...with or without you.

Fiddlesticks!

On your head!

- What the f*** are you doing?

- You idiot!

I'm sure this place used to be bigger

when I was, err... little.

Looks like the whole village

has f***ed off with your nan.

Where's all the women, then?

When were you last here, Mikey?

- Well, it's been a few years.

- Right, come on. First things first.

Mikey, you break into your nan's house

and make sure I've got a bed for tonight.

The rest of us can get the beers in

at the... Cock & Bull,

and drink until Moodley

starts looking like Barbados.

And someone

go get Candy down for a drink.

I'll go.

Neil, if she sees you,

she's liable to drive away with our stuff.

What are you talking about?

Women love me.

Really

You are a long way from

your sports car, though, aren't you?

I'm gonna go for a slash.

Get us a pint of the usual.

Oh, no, put your money away, Neil.

My shout

Knob.

Wow...

"Vote Meg Nut".

Meg Nut... Nut-meg...

"Sponsored by Wundawash. "

Ew!

Oh, sh*t.

Ew!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, thank you, gnomie.

Hello?

I can't believe we jumped

on one of Mikey's schemes.

- His heart's in the right place.

- Shame his head is up his arse.

Come on, Pat.

Liven yourself up. Get 'em in.

Neil, Do you see any bar staff?

I think I just saw one in the khazi,

chucking up.

- Maybe they're all sick.

- What the f*** is that horrible stench?

It's the smoking ban, mate.

Get rid of the all the puffers,

you'll find out what a pub really

smells like - stale beer and piss.

No. It's something else.

Where the f***'s Matt?

All right, calm down.

You sound like a dolphin.

Idiot.

Look at that.

It's a knob in a box.

This is a joke, right?

Don't...

Hey, back up. Back up.

I will...

Looks like there is

life on Mars, after all.

- What's the matter with her?

- I think she's homeless.

person we see is selling the Big Issue.

- Let's get some change.

- I've got some, I've got some.

Ooh!

Hey! Hey!

Go Vince!

- It's not what it looks like, mate!

- Yeah?

Matt, call the police!

Go, Graham. Hit him!

Go on! Somebody else hit him!

Put the knife down, mate.

Put the knife down!

You lot, just listen to me!

- Hey, watch!

- She stabbed me!

All right, hey, hey!

- Oi! Oi!

- What are you doing?!

- Can we talk about this?

- Hang on, hang on.

Jesus...

- What... What's wrong with her?

- What do you mean?

She's like Evil Dead in your shop,

those things with the claws and teeth!

And she's not the only one.

Look! Look at that. Look, look.

- Back on the bus, then, eh?

- Yes, yes!

- What about Action Man?

- Oh, sh*t.

Come on! Leave him!

Candy, start her up, baby.

We're leaving.

Let's go somewhere else, then.

Yeah, OK.

Where's your nan's house, Mike?

Mike, your nan's house!

OK, uh...

Let's take the scenic route.

Mikey... Get his gun.

YOU get it.

It's empty.

Oh, mate...

That is not cool...

Look at the state of him.

What?

He said, "Don't go in the woods. "

- Why?

- Why you asking me?

What's in the woods?

Everything... you've ever been afraid of.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Quick, quick, Graham!

- Open the f***ing door!

- I'm gonna do it when I get the key!

These are multi-combat trousers!

They've got 11 pockets!

You missed her!

Open the f***ing door!

- Vince!

- What?

Help me!

- I've got the key!

- OPEN IT, THEN!

Shut the back door!

Oi, oi!

They're moving away!

All right, you funny c*nts,

how's this supposed to cheer me up?

- Phones are dead.

- "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag. "

- Good idea, Neil!

- You wanna talk about this some more?

Let's talk about the unliveable state

of this house we're staying in.

OK, back door's locked, kettle is on.

Neil.

- They're not coming back.

- So what's going on here?

It could be some kind of

chemical spillage.

Maybe one of the streams

has been polluted.

Patrick, when was the last time

you saw pollution turn somebody

into an axe murderer?

Candy didn't even get off the bus

and she still turned into that.

- So it must be in the air.

- Why haven't we got it? And him?

- Maybe only women get it.

- What kind of virus only affects women?

Bird flu.

So where did all the men go?

Shh!

Shh, shh, shh...

No, no, no, no!

What is it?

Are you f***ing retarded?

All the men are dead.

- Sit down, Andy McNabb.

- Easy, mate. I'm not the enemy.

- Really? See, I think you are.

- Right...

We demand an explanation!

Is it a biological weapon

gone out of control?

It's classified is what it is.

It's hardly classified, mate,

it's running about in stilettos!

- I said sit down.

- Or what? Or what?

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