Doghouse Page #3

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Kettle's boiled.

- What's your name?

- Sergeant Gavin Wright.

We don't give f*** about your rank.

We want an explanation.

- It's virus.

- Why aren't we infected?

I thought you'd worked this one out.

Only women get it.

- Why?

- Just luck.

Oh, that's not funny. Is there a cure?

I don't think anybody

survived long enough to try.

But that's not my department.

I'm just here to shoot them.

- What?

- How did it start?

The only questions you need to ask are,

"How many are there?"

and, "Are they in our way?"

So, how many are there?

The whole village

has gone over to the dark side.

Most of them are out in the woods.

So if you're thinking

of hiking out of here, think again.

What the f*** are they doing

in the woods?

Maybe they're all taking a sh*t.

Women like to go to the toilet together.

What do you think they're doing?

They're looking for fresh meat.

- So what's your exit plan?

- Same as yours.

Get on the minibus

and f*** off out the way you came in.

Well, there's little problem

with your plan, Marvin.

Bad Candy lives on that bus.

And she's got a little skin complaint.

When she gets off the bus, start running

and don't stop until you hear the horn.

We'll come back and pick you up.

Why are you so sure

she's gonna follow me?

Women love you.

If you have to kill her, just do it.

She's not Candy anymore.

She never was. Her name's Ruth.

- Whatever.

- Well, stop calling her Candy.

Neil, now is not the time

to stop objectifying women.

Be new man tomorrow.

Today, we need you to be the misogynist

Neanderthal arsehole we know and love.

- You could get this virus next...

- F*** off.

You even hit like a girl.

- What are you doing?

- F***ing go.

- Liberty-taker.

- Hurry up!

All right, I'm going.

Come on... Come and have a nibble.

You know you want it.

Bollocks.

Get off the...

- Go! Go!

- Quick, hurry up!

Get the phones!

Someone get the phones!

Bastards!

Aaargh! F***in' hell!

Oh, man. We are dog meat.

They're everywhere!

- Sh*t...

- Oh, man!

Julie?

Do you know her?

Yeah, yeah...

We had thing once, it didn't end well.

- I'm gonna be sick.

- How do you think I feel?!

The phones...

I've got the f***ing phones!

Sh*t...

- Do something! You're the soldier!

- Look at the f***ing size of her!

Oh, no...

Get her off me!

Look out, Vince. Look out!

F***! Come on!

Yeah!

Oh, look at your teeth!

F***in' hell! Patrick!

Ooh... Ow!

- We should start placing bets.

- My money's on that one.

Let's go!

Everyone stay together!

Here, here! Quick, come on.

Ow!

F***in' hell.

Argh! Argh! Argh!

She'll be through that freakin' window

in a minute. Grab anything you can.

- Vince!

- What?

Still in its original packaging!

Weapons, Matt.

Grab any weapons you can.

Not f***in' robots.

All right... I'm looking.

Did you lock that?

Matt! Matt!

Where are you going? Matt!

I'm coming!

Weapons... Weapons...

Matt! Matt!

- What are you doing?

- Give us a lighter!

In me pocket...

THE OTHER POCKET!

Get back. If they can't see us,

they'll forget we're in here.

- That's optimistic, innit?

- They are easily confused.

NOW you decide to shoot someone,

you f***ing monkey's arse-ring.

You had a gun all along?

I was saving the last bullet

for when I needed it.

You're still a twat.

F***, I think you've just sent out

a party invite.

Do they sell petrol in toy shops?

No.

It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars.

Don't you know anything?!

I know we need to be tooled up with

something that wasn't made in Taiwan.

Who taught you to drive?

Let me have a go.

Get off!

Reverse. Reverse. Over here!

Hello? Are we in there?

- I take it you're in a toy shop.

- Who's there? Is Neil there?

No, just me, Mikey

and the Milky Bar Kid.

- My name's Gavin.

- Whatever.

The speed Neil was running,

he's probably halfway home.

SPACE'S

"FEMALE OF THE SPECIES")

Mmm...

# A thousand thundering thrills await me

# Facing insurmountable odds, greatly #

You're so sexy, do you know that?

# The female of the species

is more deadly... #

Why don't we forget about all this?

This finger food.

That's a really lovely spread.

But why don't we

just take this upstairs, eh?

We're both adults.

I'm a man...

You're a...

You're a woman.

This could be the start

of something special - you and me...

All you've gotta do...

...is... untie me, yeah?

Just untie me, please.

Come on, then. Come on!

No, no, don't do that. No.

Fear and panic

are only chemicals within your body.

Anxiety is nothing more

than a chemical reaction.

So, what's the plan?

What do you mean what's the plan?

The plan. What's the plan?

- I haven't got one. What's yours?

- I've got a plan.

What's all this bollocks

with the walkie-talkies, then?

Just fancied a chat about

something other than Star Wars.

Oh... How is Matt?

Yeah, the force is with him.

- Oi!

- What?

I said I've got a plan.

Go on, then.

You're the double hard bastard.

You do it.

It's your plan, arsehole.

You two are so gay!

Your mum's an arsehole.

The payload has been delivered.

What?

The head's in the truck, man.

You ready?

We're gonna need a diversion

for our diversion.

I'm on it.

Come and get your meals on wheels.

No!

F*** off!

Do the horn.

You're not getting the better of me.

Turn it, you're gonna go

out of range!

I'm turning it. I'm turning it!

Get off!

Oh, f... No!

- Oh, that's disgusting.

- F***in' hell.

F***ing thing!

- How could things get any worse?

- Mik ey?

- Yeah?

- Mik ey, they've spotted you.

Great.

Mm... Yum...

Yum!

Mik ey?

Mik ey?

Mikey!

F***.

- Come on. Let's go.

- No, wait. Wait.

I am not going out there half-cocked.

Let's party.

Where's mine?

Well, there's only one.

No, look, got a spare.

No?

All right, you can have my backup.

What's this?

I will make you feel sexy.

Yeah!

Right, then. Come on, Vince.

Me and you - Butch and Sundance!

- They both died.

- Yeah!

- Come on, you gimp. Let's go.

- Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Aaaargh!

Aargh!

Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing!

Hurry up!

Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

Argh!

Ta.

What do we do now?

We do what everyone else does,

when they're facing mortality.

Run.

Wait, wait.

I bet you a tenner it's locked.

- Bollocks.

- You owe me tenner.

Oh, my God.

Look, look.

Mik ey? Neil? Is anyone there?

- Where's the walkie-talkie?

- Lads, can you hear me?

Me and Matt, we're in the church

but we've lock ed the doors.

So if you get over here, please

just let me know. Try and get over here.

We have to get out of here.

Let's follow your mates over

to the church. It's our best chance.

I think it's a bit late

to start praying, don't you?

You feeling all right, mate?

I have just had a genius idea.

- Is everyone ready?

- You're loving this, aren't you?

- Garry?

- It's Gavin.

Let's just get it over with.

- What?

- You've done this before, haven't you?

- Don't get any funny ideas

- Don't worry, he's not a lesbian.

- Is this gonna work or what?

- Let's try.

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