Doghouse Page #4

Here she is!

Vince, open the church door.

Oh, f***.

- F***in' hell.

- Come on, come on!

No, no, no! Don't go in there!

Don't go in there!

Wait! That's my nine iron.

Come on!

- Oh, Christ, it's the ex.

- Vince, we're outside. Open the door.

Don't move, just keep smiling.

Our clothes are in there! Sh*t!

Oh, for f***'s sake, Julie.

We split up, get over it!

All right, gays... guys!

- Where did you come from?

- I took the scenic route.

Come on.

I hate you. I hate you.

Why don't you just sit on me

and get it over with, you fat f***ing pig!

Vince.

- I really wanna go home.

- OK. OK, let's go.

Let's go home.

Vince, are you taking piss?

This isn't funny any more.

- Let us in.

- Hold on, we're coming.

- Come on, hurry up!

- What are they doing?

- What are you doing...

- What the f***'s this?!

- Shh, don't laugh at me!

- Neil! Neil!

Where the f*** have you been?

"BAD-ASS CRAZY LAD Y")

# She's dressed to kill

Oh, what a thrill

# Mess with her

And you're bound to get ill

# She'll chew you up and spit you out

- # She'll leave a scar...

- Hello, girls.

...# She knows what she lik es...

- Who's first?

# She looks at me with those crazy eyes

# Tak es no time for me to realise

# She's a wild-eyed crazy lady

# Bad-ass crazy lady

# Bad-ass crazy lady

# Bad-ass crazy lady

# Wild-eyed crazy lady

# Bad-ass crazy lady

- # Wild-eyed crazy lady... #

- I'll call you.

Show's over. Everyone get inside.

- I don't think so.

- Is that supposed to frighten me?

- He said it would make me fell sexy.

- Does it?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, for God's sake!

Can we leave this male posturing

bullshit till later?

Everyone get inside!

I don't think I actually ever used

that finger for anything.

- There's nothing up here.

- Come back, then.

We're nearly there.

- Ahh!

- Oh, shut up, you girl.

That's it.

Talking of girls...

There's not even a spare

choir-boy outfit up there.

Sit down, silly-bollocks,

you look gorgeous.

- I think that butcher took a shine to you.

- Nah, she's not my type, that one.

What about one of the others?

- You would, wouldn't you?

- Don't you ever have a day off?

There were three kinky birds

in that house.

For second, I thought, you know...

as long as they don't start

with that sicking-up bollocks...

The one with the, um,

scissors is pretty fit.

She'll have your bollocks for earrings

before you've even bought her a drink.

- I like the one with the axe.

- She's married.

I can't believe this!

You people have no respect for women.

Oh, come on, Graham.

That's why you bat for the other side?

All women are mental.

You can't make that kind of sweeping

generalisation about an entire gender.

Why not? Look at us.

Look at Vince. His glory days are over.

His missus did that to him.

He was king when he met her.

She turned him into a f***ing ghost.

We brought him out here to convince

him that all women aren't out to get him.

Yeah, thanks for that, lads.

It's all gone really f***in' well, innit?

- What are you looking for?

- Yes.

This.

I've done it!

Right.

Wow, we've got the whole village

under surveillance.

Well, it's about time.

You've been offline for nearly 24 hours.

And why was my so-called escort

called back to Moodley last night,

and left me chained

to the f***ing briefcase?

That's Meg Nut from the poster, look.

Who are you?

You're not inv olved

with Project Cat-house.

Where's the Colonel?

- Get her back.

- It's on fire.

It's happening.

- What's happening?

- Phase II.

Hold on a minute. What's Phase I?

Sickness, disorientation, psychosis.

Phase II is the mutation.

They're gonna get smarter,

faster and weirder.

- What's that?

- It's called The Dolphin.

There are high-frequency

sonic deterrents all over the village,

emitting painful sound

only women can hear.

- So there was a fail-safe all along.

- It only works after Phase II.

- Obviously.

- Well, stop talking and press the button.

- Is it working?

- I dunno.

Can YOU hear it?

Um, that doesn't work, does it?

This isn't funny.

They'll be relentless now.

They hunt in packs. We are f***ed!

For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing

with few insane women any more.

What you boys

have actually created here

is an army of pissed off,

man-hating, feminist cannibals.

This biological weapon can turn one half

of the population against the other.

- We can fight wars with no armies.

- So this is a test run?

You set the virus loose

in an isolated little village

and then sit and watch it on the telly?

They used to do this kind of thing

in the '50s with LSD.

Thanks, Matthew. What does

Meg Nut have to do with this?

- Not much. She's just a delivery girl.

- Yeah. But delivering WHAT?

How f***ing stupid are you people?

What do you think?

A free box of Wundawash?

The virus

is in the washing powder, look.

It's biological.

Everybody, get back.

- Leave her out of it. That's my nan.

- I thought she was on a cruise.

Yeah... So did I.

Matt. Matt, no!

You've, um...

There's some stuff on your face.

All right, Matt?

Thank you.

Don't go in there, Matt.

It's the mortuary.

I think he's traumatised.

I'm the one who's f***ing traumatised!

Look what he did to my nan.

Matt? Matt?

Matt...

Vince. Run, run!

What's happened?

Is he all right?

No.

So, where is he, then?

He's dead.

Come on!

That's for Matt...

...b*tch.

Sh*t, sh*t...

- Look at the state of him.

- We can't just leave him here.

What, in mortuary

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just as freaked out as you are.

What was that?

Vince, don't go down there,

that's how she got in.

Yeah, and it might be our only way out.

Ew...

- It's the other half of Moodley.

- Jesus, it's all the men.

- You mean parts of them.

- It's a nest.

Come on, come on!

- Get up, come on!

- Get up!

Get up the stairs! Come on!

Vince, Vince! Come on!

- Neil! Neil!

- Close the door!

Neil, give us a hand with this!

Hurry up, will ya?

Oi, what are you pair of tarts

doing up there?

Banksy, what time do you call this?

You would not believe

the sh*t day I've had.

- What's going on?

- Listen, soft-lad,

outside Mikey's nan's house, there's

a big ladder, go and bring it back here.

What's with the...

- Get the f***ing ladder, soppy bollocks.

- Hurry up.

All right, all right,

don't get all aggressive.

F***, help me out!

- Get your ass outside.

- I think I'll stay a bit.

Get your ass outside now.

Go, f*** off.

Pat, go on.

- All right?

- Vince?

Hurry up!

I can see your bikini line from here.

What's with the frock?

- What are you doing?

- Vince said a get ladder.

So we can get down, you plank,

not so you can get up.

- What's happening?

- All the women have gone evil.

One of them ate Neil's finger,

Matt killed me nan with a nine iron

and now he's dead, and we need

to get down the sodding ladder. Down.

You lot been taking drugs?

- You got some left?

- Get down, get down!

Move, move!

Go back up!

We're alive!

Let go!

Who's the monster?

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