Doghouse Page #5

- What are you still doing here?

- Wishing I wasn't.

- Come on!

- Come on, Pat. Come here.

- Come on, Pat.

- Watch his leg!

- Graham, come on, let's go.

- You go.

I'm right behind you.

F*** me.

F***in' hell.

This is worse than

the f***ing Pamplona Bull Run.

F***in' hell!

Jesus!

- Get the ladder. Get the ladder.

- What's this one?

Come on!

- Come on!

- Vince, Vince...

- Banksy, give us your phone.

- I left it at home.

Right, of course, yeah...

Where are you parked, then?

Behind the big billboard lying

across the street.

What's that?

- It's a rental.

- It's a rental?

What do you mean it's a rental?

Where's your van?

- It broke down, I forgot.

- You forgot?

Repeating everything I say

ain't gonna help, Vince.

What's not gonna help

is that f***in' moon buggy.

Maybe we can squeeze in.

I'll sit on someone's lap.

Shut up. Forget it, it's too small.

Why did you even get here?

- What are you trying to say?

- This trip was bad a idea.

No... really

- It could be worse.

- It could be worse?

How many fingers am I holding up?

They're f***ing eating us!

- How can it get any worse?

- Can everyone shut the f*** up?

Cracking skulls open with a nine iron

is not my idea of golfing holiday!

But this is not Mikey's fault,

and it's not Banksy's.

I'm sure as f***ing sh*t,

it's not mine either.

Relax... Relax...

Now, we all need to work together

to facilitate some kind of positive -

and I mean POSITIVE escape scenario,

'cause I'm not dying in this sh*t hole!

There's nothing wrong

with you that can't be fixed with a smile.

Get on the bus.

Come on!

Ruth!

Banksy!

Banksy!

Banksy!

Come on! I've had enough

of standing here!

I'll f***in stick it in ya!

I'll f***ing stick it in ya!

Get in the f***ing bus!

I'm f***ing sick of it! F***!

Come on, Vince, let's go!

Let's go!

- What are you doing?

- I'm having a mid-life crisis.

What, now? Can't it wait?

No.

Well, it's about f***ing time.

Anyone seen me lighter?

Where's me lighter?

Oi, look after it next time, yeah?

You know, I always thought you two

were completely f***ing useless.

You - you just follow your dick

like it's a f***ing compass.

And you - you're letting your marriage

slip through your f***ing fingers.

Neither of you

know anything about women.

- So why are you two still f***in' alive?

- We're not gonna be for much longer,

if you don't stop yapping

and get us out of here!

The rest of us, we try to do everything

by the book - and we get shafted.

We try to be what they want us to be.

You know, we become reliable,

mature, domesticated.

And then what happens?

They get bored -

that's what happens.

If all women really want is pet,

why don't they buy a f***ing Labrador?

I've had enough,

being told to sit, and lie down,

and roll over, and play dead.

From now on,

what you see is what you get.

For f***'s sake!

Vince, you do know the road's blocked.

Bollocks to the roadblock. I've been

living by the highway code all my life.

Where did it get me?

A one-way ticket to Moodley.

Buckle up, lads.

We're going off road.

Whoo!

Vince, watch out for the old biddy.

Whoa, easy, easy!

Oh, my God!

What was that?

Fat bird.

Slow down, Vince. Slow down.

Hello, hello...

Hello? Is anybody there?

Graham, we thought you got squashed.

Where are you?

In the nest with the stiffs.

Where are you?

Coming to get you, silly twat.

Let's do it.

Ew...

Who's your favourite Spice Girl?

Here's the plan. We're gonna

go down there, get Graham,

piss off to the nearest pub,

somewhere much nicer than this,

have a little bit of lunch and then get

absolutely sh*t-faced. Any questions?

Yeah.

You do realise

that we're slightly outnumbered, right?

Pass one of them golf clubs.

No, give me a wood.

Give him wood as well.

Right. We're outnumbered,

and outgunned.

But I've got the hump.

So we're gonna go down there

in a very ungentlemanly fashion

and... present company

excepted, of course,

bash the living sh*t

out of anything in a dress.

Bloody hell, Vince...

...not very PC is it?

Come on.

Let's have it!

Now what?

Oi, oi!

You all right?

I've got it working.

Let me see that, let me see that.

Ahh!

Remote-controlled women.

- Do it again, Neil!

- Oh, my word!

Take that.

Get in there, Graham.

Be careful, Neil.

Whoa!

Oh, I'm lovin' this.

Absolutely lovin' it.

Lovely little thing,

ain't you, sweetheart, eh?

Whoa, whoa!

Vince, you got to have

a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang!

Bollocks!

Go!

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