Dogma Page #25

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BETHANY:

So then we're screwed?

(shrugs)

Sh*t, that's the best news l've heard in days.

RUFUS:

This doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them.

BETHANY:

Count me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - both

psychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick back

and wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctor

ordered.

JAY:

I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die.

RUFUS:

What are you babbling about now?

JAY:

If I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on

living, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd be

okay, because I know I'm not missing anything.

BETHANY:

See? You know it's right when even he's making sense.

JAY:

Besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in

like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob.

RUFUS:

So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and

history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid?

JAY:

(thinks)

No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid.

BETHANY:

Now that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finally

know - why me?

JAY:

Because you've got nice tits.

BETHANY:

I wasn't talking to you!

(to Rufus)

Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come

clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come I

got tapped?

Rufus looks at her. He shrugs.

RUFUS:

Family ties.

JAY:

That show's funny as hell.

RUFUS:

Shut up.

(to Bethany)

Do you know what the Apocryphal books are?

Bethany shakes her head no.

RUFUS:

Most of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls -

ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was

translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church

officials had already established as the basis of their religion. They

couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave

certain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up the

Apocrypha.

BETHANY:

What's this have to do with me?

RUFUS:

You've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the material

together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by

leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely

sterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entire

Old Testament, the history of Christ...

(let's her take it in)

Forget about my whole black angle for a minute...

JAY:

We might if you'd quit bringing it up.

Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivous

to Jay.

RUFUS:

He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about the

eighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of it

were thown out, forever lost to the faithful.

BETHANY:

I don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a better

understanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out?

RUFUS:

Because it was all closely tied in with His family.

BETHANY:

His mother and father?

RUFUS:

His brothers and sisters.

BETHANY:

(beat)

Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a

virgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception.

RUFUS:

Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true.

But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed

married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God

and the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife never

humped her husband - that's just gullibility.

BETHANY:

(sudden realization)

MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!?

RUFUS:

All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories about

hearing them through the walls when He was a kid.

(beat)

So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was the

salvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to a

Christ that still walks.

BETHANY:

Meaning?

RUFUS:

The blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the

genetic level with the man you call Jesus.

(hand on her shoulder)

You're His great-grand-niece.

Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips.

JAY:

(takes a hit from his joint)

So... that would make Bethany part black.

(to Silent Bob)

Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father.

RUFUS:

I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now?

OC VOICE:

You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master who

instructed me.

Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree.

METATRON:

God. l've always wanted to say that.

RUFUS:

The voice.

NIETATRON:

(mimicking his shock)

The Apostle!

(sits down with them)

BETHANY:

Now you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife to

my throat?

METATRON:

I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you?

RUFUS:

What are you doing here anyw'ay?

METATRON:

I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd join

in with a confession of mine own.

JAY:

Now who's this mother f***er?

RUFUS:

This is the Voice of God - show some respect.

JAY:

The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him?

METATRON:

Funny you should mention that - we're not sure.

BETHANY:

Excuse me?

METATRON:

Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was well

within the realm of His control?

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