Dogma Page #26

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RUFUS:

If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped?

METATRON:

You know those constitutionals He likes to take?

BETHANY:

Constitutionals?

RUFUS:

I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.

(to Bethany)

God's a skee-ball fanatic.

METATRON:

Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright?

(to Bethany)

Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years -

He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone

where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite

understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven

as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I

understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.

Isn't that sweet?

BETHANY:

But She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you're

getting at?

METATRON:

(to Rufus)

'She'? I take it she's met the Muse.

(to Bethany)

No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her.

RUFUS:

Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback.

M ETAT RON:

No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever has

set the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quite

well-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to be

killed in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody

knew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion

- He's trapped in a body.

RUFUS:

So God's not dead...

JAY:

He's brain dead.

METATRON:

So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit that

we're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people looking

everywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able to

smoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enough

to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves.

RUFUS:

Can it be Lucifer?

METATRON:

Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. I

know they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have

made his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible for

Bartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as

everyone else.

RUFUS:

Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets?

METATRON:

Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one.

JAY:

(excited)

Yeah?

Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads.

BETHANY:

Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as a

test?

METATRON:

No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough -

how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of God

belonged on the back of a milk carton?

RUFUS:

So what do we do now?

M ETAT RON:

I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas.

JAY:

(off paper)

Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?

METATRON:

I beg your pardon?

JAY:

Here.

(hands group the paper)

BETHANY:

(reading)

'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'?

JAY:

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

BETHANY:

(reading)

'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering and

questionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!'

campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning the

traditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sized

lap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn't

like a pool party?"

JAY:

Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on that

day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right?

METATRON:

Good Lord - he's got a point.

BETHANY:

I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain the

situation somehow.

RUFUS:

'We'? You're back in?

BETHANY:

Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down the

family.

(smiles)

METATRON:

(off Silent Bob)

Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles.

Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She

back-hands him.

TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL

Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal.

ALTAR 1

The same boring cereal again?

A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above.

CHRIST:

Man cannot live on boring cereal alone!

ALTAR I & 2

IT'S JESUS!

Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash.

CHRIST:

Why not try Hosties!

CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk

follows.

CHRIST VO:

New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with an

angelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk!

Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal

happily.

CHRIST:

Hosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one is

blessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and good

for the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand...

Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping.

ALTAR 2

I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry...

CHRIST:

(smiling benignly)

You're forgiven.

Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily.

CHRIST:

So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it...

A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal.

POPE:

They're Heavenly!

INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSK

A hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles.

GLICK:

Well...? Doesn't it pop?

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