Dogma Page #27

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Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words.

JAY:

(After a long beat)

Does it come in chocolate flavor?

The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned

glass.

GLICK:

You see? Now this one's got vision!

(to Jay)

We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids,

back to school and all.

BETHANY:

It's a bit... startling.

GLICK:

Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit,

get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendance

is at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing them

to the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at any

denomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know the

Catholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some new

ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - like

with the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em while

they're young.

(sits at his desk, lights smoke)

RUFUS:

Kind of like the tobacco industry?

GLICK:

Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the same

demographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to play

a bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear the

cloven hooves and carry the pitch fork.

Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat

rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob.

OC BFTHANY:

We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. My

friends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance to

talk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony.

The Cardinal blows smoke rings.

GLICK:

You'd like to help out in some way?

BETHANY:

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the re

dedication.

GLICK:

(pauses mid-ash-tap)

I beg your pardon?

Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock

tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose.

OC BETHANY:

There's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward

as planned.

The Cardinal leans back in his chair.

CLICK:

What is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation?

(pause)

Are you pro-choicers?

BETHANY:

No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've been

stuck on earth since the plagues...

Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly.

BETHANY:

Uh... these guys who think they're renegade angels.

RUFL'S

See padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passing

through the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but

the brothers are convinced it's the truth.

Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition,

resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob

shakes his head.

OC GLICK:

And you want me to call off the ceremony... for that?

Bethany leans forward in her seat.

BETHANY:

Well. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turn

violent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens.

RUFUS:

These guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people

with them. Call this thing off.

CLICK:

(beat)

Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upset

that we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss?

RLFLS:

We were sent by Him who is called I Am.

GLICK:

Cute.

(standing)

Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over.

RUFUS:

(to Bethany)

Worked for Moses.

BETHANY:

Stay out of this.

(to Glick)

Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting to

happen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned...

GLICK:

...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the lives

of all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of the

Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself.

BETHANY:

You can't say Himself; it could be a woman.

GLICK:

(rubs temples)

Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of our

almighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man with

very important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please...

RUFUS:

I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.

GLICK:

The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

RUFUS:

What about the church's silent consent to the slave trade?

BETHANY:

And it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?

CLICK:

(beat)

Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the current

incarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. Now

I've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go.

BETHANY:

But tomorrow...

CLICK:

(losing it)

Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labor

two years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremony

be a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Two

just to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band of

pranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment!

This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for the

massive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness

the Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign!

And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God...

(glares at Bethany)

... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully!

He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition.

GLICK:

AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!!

]ay slowly looks over the partition.

EXT SEASHORE:

The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived.

EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING

Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the

Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign

that welcomes motorists to New Jersey.

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