Dogma Page #28

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INT BAR - DAWN

The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A

BARTENDER.

BETHANY:

I can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "Existence

Erased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape.

RUFUS:

It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape.

JAY:

That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guy

in the dress.

(to Silent Bob)

Hand it over.

Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat.

BETHANY:

Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it.

RUFUS:

You stole the Cardinal's driver?

JAY:

I told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least a

couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there.

BETHANY:

What do we do now?

RUFUS:

Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway.

BETHANY:

Not that - about Bartleby and Loki!

RUFUS:

We have no choice but to try to kill them.

BETHANY:

(to Rufus)

But you said they couldn't be killed.

OC VOICE:

Correction :
they won't be killed.

The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar.

AZRAEL:

And just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, until

the two idiots pass through that arch.

JAY:

Hey...!

BETHANY:

He wasn't talking about you two.

OC VOICE:

There's only one idiot here, .Azrael...

Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity

stands in the doorway.

SERENDIPITY:

And that's you.

AZRAEL:

The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.

BARTENDER:

(suddenly noticing Azrael)

Hey. Where'd you come from?

AZRAEL:

Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately...

(checks watch)

...onehour.

BARTENDER:

Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go.

AZRAEL:

Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone.

Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers.

SERENDIPITY:

I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind all

this.

RUFUS:

Is that who I think it is?

SERENDIPITY:

None other than.

BETHANY:

Who is it?

SERENDIPITY:

That's my worst suspicions confirmed.

The Bartender relents.

BARTENDER:

Alright - one drink. Then you're gone.

AZRAEL:

Gimme a Holy Bartender.

BARTENDER:

Never heard of it.

AZRAEL:

(to the group)

He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.

You know - don't you, Muse?

SERENDIPITY:

Azrael... don't.

AZRAEL:

(ignoring her)

Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender.

Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender.

The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their

feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies.

AZRAEL:

Get it?

SERENDIPITY:

Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!?

RUFUS:

(rushing him)

C'mon, demon - let's see you try that sh*t on a brother whose already dead!

The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as

Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany.

AZRAEL:

(joining them)

You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the

only corpses in the room -the Christ-B*tch will join you.

SERENDIPITY:

I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do you

know what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?!

AZRAEL:

I'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawns

are moving in to check-mate as we speak.

Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs.

JAY:

I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one!

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING

A formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from

the front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism -

Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up.

Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech.

GLICK:

I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton,

for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this little

parish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her.

(crowd laughs)

Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular little

hundred years young House of God...

OC BARTLEBY:

This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore.

The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly

followed by Loki.

BARTLEBY:

He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear to

your lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you -

His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans -

prepare to taste God's wrath!

LOKI:

(whispering)

Maybe we should just go.

BARTLEBY:

You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'll

judge them all!

Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair.

CLICK:

These are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist them

off the church grounds.

The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm.

COP:

Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a

ride...

Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder.

BARTLEBY:

Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

COP:

Is that so? Well, let's just...

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