Dorfman

---

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(HORNS HONK)

MAN ON TV:
AFTER SEVEN YEARS

OF ADVERTIZING MY ELECTRIC

FOOD DEHYDRATOR:

AND BEEF JERKY MACHINE,

I'VE DECIDED...

POP, PLEASE.

NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.

(TV TURNS OFF)

THANK YOU.

SO THE LAKERS ARE

LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH?

I THINK KOBE'S GONNA

TAKE IT ALL THE WAY.

I HAVE NO APPETITE.

MOM WOULD WANT YOU TO EAT.

HAPPY NOW?

I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE.

THINK YOU MIGHT GO OUT TODAY?

MAYBE CHANGE IN TO SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T SCREAM JOHNNY CASH.

YOUR MOTHER LOVED

JOHNNY CASH.

SHE LOVED ALL MUSIC,

ESPECIALLY AMERICAN IDOL.

NOBODY VOTED MORE

THAN YOUR MOTHER.

NOBODY.

SHE WAS CRUSHED:

WHEN THE JESUS FREAK

BEAT OUT THE FAGELA.

(GRUNTS) DAD...

WHAT DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT USING THAT WORD?

HERE WE GO.

I CAN'T TALK IN MY OWN HOME?

IT'S MY HOME TOO.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY "GAY?"

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALL GAY.

YOUR COUSIN MARVIN'S A FAGELA

AND I'VE NEVER ONCE

SEEN HIM SMILE.

OK. ENOUGH WITH THE HOMOPHOBIA.

YOU'RE SO MISERABLE HERE. GO.

I WISH. BUT I PROMISED MOM

I WOULD STAY HERE

AND TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I SHOULD GO LIVE

WITH YOUR BROTHER.

HE TREATS ME LIKE A KING.

WELL, THE SOONER THE BETTER,

YOUR MAJESTY.

I'M SORRY, POP.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

I COULD DO FOR YOU TODAY?

YEAH. YOU COULD KILL ME.

BUT THEN:

WHO WOULD TORTURE ME?

MAN ON TV:
...MOUTH WATERING

PORK LOIN ROAST.

NINE JUICY:

1/4 POUND HAMBURGERS.

FOUR BIG,

HEALTHY SALMON STEAKS.

("HELLO DARLING"

BY PIERRE DE REEDER PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

WOMAN THROUGH SPEAKERS:

DESIRE RAGED IN EVERY PORE

OF HIS BODY.

A FLASH OF HEA POUNDED HIS LOINS.

FOR SHE WAS A SIREN.

HE MARVELED AT THE SUPPLE ARCH

OF HER BEAUTIFUL BACK,

HER TINY WASTE TAPERING

TO A HEART-SHAPED DERNIER.

HE CROUCHED IN FRONT OF HER

SEATED FORM. CHAPTER THREE.

"LET ME LOVE YOU,"

HE WHISPERED.

SHE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH

TO RESIST THIS.

"NOTHING ON EARTH CAN QUELL

THE FLAMES OF MY HEART."

DESIRE AND SHINE...

OH, MY GOD!

IT IS MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS.

WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT HAS NO BEADING.

AND I LOVE BEADING.

FORGET IT. THIS SUCKS.

ALLEN, CHILL.

WE'RE PREPARED FOR THIS.

YOU GOT A PRENUP.

MOLLY, IS DEB IN?

YES, MR. DORFMAN.

(TYPING)

HEY, DEB, I'M OUT OF HERE

AFTER LUNCH TODAY.

GOT TO GO SCHMOOZE WILLIAMS.

YOU FINISH HIS NUMBERS?

-YEAH.

-I NEED YOU TO PULL UP

ALLEN KLEIN'S PRENUP.

AND I NEED THE TAX ANALYSIS

FOR THE LINEAR CITY AUDI BY WEDNESDAY.

UH...DONE AND DONE.

AND ABOUT MY RAISE,

YOU SAID THAT YOU

WOULD SLEEP ON I A MONTH AGO.

I'M GIVING YOU

SOMETHING BETTER--

A NEW 17.3-INCH LAPTOP.

I'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY, DEB.

YOU'RE MY ROCK!

-YOU'RE MY ROLL.

-ROCK AND ROLL!

SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "LEEANN,

LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE COACH

AND ANSWER THE QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?"

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT I ANSWERED?

A RALPH LAUREN MENORAH?

DON'T MAKE FUN

OF MY MENORAH COLLECTION.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD

GO TO CONVERSION CLASS

AND HONOR THE TRADITIONS

OF OUR HEBREW PEOPLE.

SORRY. OK. SO WHAT IS I THAT YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?

I NEED A BABY.

BUT YOU HAVE A BABY,

NAMED DANIEL. HEH. BOOM.

UHH...

YOU DON'T FOOL ME, DEB.

YOU JUST CRACK JOKES

TO HIDE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.

WELL, 'CAUSE NOBODY WANTS

TO LISTEN.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.

WELL...

OK. YOU KNOW, LEEANN,

THE TRUTH IS I'VE REALLY

BEEN MISSING MY MOM LATELY.

DEB, THE PAST IS THE PAST.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE FUTURE.

OUR CLOCKS ARE TICKING.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

OUR B*OBS ARE GOING

TO BE SAGGING:

AND OUR FACES WILL LOOK

LIKE OLD PRUNES.

WOW. NOT JUST PRUNES.

OLD PRUNES.

YEAH. DON'T SURRENDER, DEB.

GET IN THE GAME AND FIGHT.

ASK THE QUESTION.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

OK. SO WHAT DO I NEED

TO BE HAPPY?

WELL...

I NEED TO KNOW:

WHY THIS TABLE IS SET FOR FIVE.

OH, NO. LEEANN, NO. NO, NO.

NOT AGAIN.

DEB, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE.

AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE HUGH.

NOW HOPEFULLY, SOMETHING

IN MY CLOSET WILL FIT YOU.

COME.

WELL, IT WAS ALMOST A DISASTER.

BUT I FINALLY CLOSED OU MY PIED-A-TERRE ON PARK AVENUE.

GREAT. DO YOU STILL HAVE

A CONDO ON CABO?

AH, GOD NO. I FLIPPED THA FOR A RANCH IN TELLURIDE.

COOL. DO YOU STILL HAVE

A CITATION?

NOPE. TRADED THAT IN.

HAD TO HAVE A GULF STREAM.

WOW. DO YOU STILL HAVE

A REALLY SMALL DICK?

(SNORTS)

YOU HAVE TO EXCUSE MY DAUGHTER.

SHE'S EITHER

AN IDIOT OR A LESBIAN.

SORRY.

ALLEN, I DID CHECK.

AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NEW

BREASTS CAN'T BE WRITTEN OFF.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

-COME ON, DEB.

DORFMAN, BUSY?

NO, TELEMARKETER. HATE THEM.

JAY, COME IN.

(SIGHS) IT'S BEEN A DAY.

AND I NEEDED TO SEE

YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE.

OH.

HEH. NO. (SNORTS)

IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH

AND FOUR DAYS.

-SO WHAT'S WRONG?

-OH, THE USUAL.

JUST WAITING:

FOR MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

OH, WHERE'S YOUR DOOFUS BROTHER?

PROBABLY:

ON THE SIXTH HOLE ABOUT NOW.

HE TOLD ME:

YOU BOUGHT A LOFT DOWNTOWN.

JUST MOVED IN.

THE PLACE IS A TOTAL MESS,

LIKE MY LIFE.

OH, YOU'RE GREAT.

YOUR LIFE IS...GREAT.

YOU JUST FEEL A LITTLE LOS WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON A STORY.

NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE YOU DO.

GREAT VLOG LAST WEEK ON SOMALIA.

THOSE KIDS:

JUST BREAK YOUR HEART.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ALREADY

DEAD INSIDE.

I LIVE WITH A KID LIKE THAT,

MY DAD.

DEB, OK, YOU GOTTA BREAK FREE,

GOT TO HAVE SOME FUN.

DON'T I OWE YOU DINNER

FOR THAT PEP TALK

WHEN I WAS IN CAMBODIA?

IT'S TWO DINNERS ACTUALLY.

IT WAS, UM,

SOMALIA AND CAMBODIA. SO...

IT'S FINE.

OK. ROYAL CLAYTON'S TONIGHT,

DOWNTOWN, 7:
00 PM.

TAKE THE METRO.

BECAUSE TRAFFIC IS GONNA

BE CRAZY.

WHERE IS ROYAL CLAYTON'S?

GOOGLE. OK.

THIS IS LIKE A FELONY TO ME.

SO TRY TALKING TO IT.

OH. OK.

CIAO.

BYE.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE

TO RAISE A CHILD.

IN MOGADISHU, SOMALIA,

THE REBEL GROUP AL-SHABAAB

IS RAISING CHILD SOLDIERS.

MOST ARE ORPHANS

FROM THE CIVIL WAR,

HUNGRY AND HOPELESS

WITH NO SCHOOLS,

NO EMPLOYMENT,

AND NO SOCIAL SKILLS...

I LOVE HIM.

("HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

BY THE LIVING SISTERS PLAYS)

(APPLAUSE ON TV)

ALL RIGHT, POP,

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN TONIGHT.

-'CAUSE I GOT A MIXER

AT THE TEMPLE.

-LIAR.

THERE'S CHICKEN SOUP

ON THE STOVE.

YOU JUST NEED TO REHEAT IT.

I HAVE NO APPETITE.

OK. YOU'RE GOING

TO WANT TO TRY IT.

I ADDED A NEW INGREDIEN TO MOM'S RECIPE.

RAT POISON?

("GO AWAY" BY THE NUCC PLAYS)

OH. CLOSE.

-ALL RIGHT, WHO'S UP NEXT?

-HEY.

-YOU MADE IT!

-YEAH. HI!

THESE ARE MY NEW NEIGHBORS.

CHELSEA AND VRONKA.

THIS IS DEB.

HI.

I LOVE YOUR DRESSES.

SO DID YOU GET YOUR ASSIGNMENT?

STILL WAITING TO HEAR.

WAITING. WAITING.

OH, PLEASE. TOSS ME CRUMB.

LIKE FILTHY PIG DOG.

THAT CRAZY B*TCH IS BIPOLAR.

OK. YOU GIRLS PLAY NICE

OR GO HOME.

THIS CITY IS NOT MY HOME.

KRAKOW IS HOME.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

OH, A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

I'M FROM THE VALLEY.

EW.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

-VIBRATING. THIS COULD BE KABUL.

-OH.

-IT'S MY PRODUCER.

ANDREW, YES, HEY.

UH, WAIT 'TIL I GET OUTSIDE.

GOD, HE'S SO BRAVE.

SO ARE YOU IN TO JAY?

THAT BOY IS SO HOT.

NO, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

HE'S BEST FRIENDS

WITH MY OLDER BROTHER.

AND SO HE REALLY THINKS OF ME

AS A LITTLE SISTER.

YOU KNOW, SO HE JUST CALLS ME

WHENEVER HE NEEDS A PEP TALK.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes