Dorfman Page #2

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BUT WHEN HE DOES CALL,

IT'S SORT OF LIKE

TIME STANDS STILL.

NOT THAT--NOT THAT I BELIEVE

IN THAT CRAP. (SNORTS)

WHAT DO YOU DO, VALLEY GIRL?

I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU'RE SOME SORT OF

PROFESSIONALS, I'M GUESSING.

WE'RE MODELS.

OH. THAT'S EXCITING.

YOU KNOW,

WE NEED A NEW ACCOUNTANT.

OUR GUY IS ALWAYS IN REHAB.

OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL ME.

HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.

I'M NEVER IN REHAB.

"DEBORAH DORFMAN."

OH. YOU'RE JEWISH ACCOUNTANT,

HUH?

-IS THAT A PROBLEM?

-NO. IT'S MORE LIKE, YOU KNOW.

CLICHE.

WHAT, LIKE YOU BEING

A POLISH ANTI-SEMITE?

-I'M SORRY.

-SUCH EXCELLENT RETORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOVE THIS B*TCH.

-OH.

-DORFMAN.

YES? WELL, KABUL?

-I LEAVE SUNDAY.

-YES!

-GO GET 'EM, JAY.

-OH, I WILL.

OH, MY CAT.

WELL, I CAN'T BOARD ELMER.

HE'LL FREAK.

OH, ELMER.

HEY, YOU GUYS,

COULD YOU WATCH HIM FOR ME

WHILE I'M GONE?

-I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.

-I DON'T DO LITTER.

I DO CATS AND I DO LITTER.

SO I DON'T DO CATS. UM.

CLEAN--I CAN--

I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH YOUR CAT.

YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?

YES. I WOULD DO

ANYTHING FOR YOU.

-HIGH FIVE.

-KABUL.

-KA-BUL! YEA.

WOW. KABUL.

YEA!

SUNDAY DINNER IS A SACRED

TRADITION IN THIS FAMILY.

LIKE YOM KIPPUR OR HANUKAH.

OR THE SUPER BOWL.

NOBODY LOVES THE SUPER BOWL

MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO DEB?

SHE'S SO INTO HERSELF.

("SAFE IN L.A."

BY GOLD MOTEL PLAYS)

HI.

OK. OK. NO TIME FOR A TOUR.

-HERE IS THE KEYS.

-OK.

AND I WILL SKYPE.

THE COMPUTER'S ON THE DESK.

THE TV DOWNSTAIRS IS BROKEN.

SORRY.

IT'S OK.

THERE'S A GREAT SHABU-SHABU

PLACE AROUND THE CORNER.

YOU GOT TO CHECK THAT OUT.

WHAT ELSE?

I LEFT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING

UPSTAIRS. THANK YOU.

AND, UH,

IT IS SUCH A MESS IN THERE.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'LL GET ALL YOUR STUFF

UNPACKED FOR YOU.

AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

YOU NEED?

(SIGHS) EVERYTHING.

ART ON THE WALLS, PLANTS,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO--

HEY, IT'S ME. DORFMAN.

YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME.

(ENGINE STARTS)

ELMER.

IT'S YOUR AUNTY DEB.

OH...POOP.

SIX DAYS.

(SNORTS)

NO WAY.

OH.

MY PRESENT.

THINGS TO SEE.

AND POSSIBLY SHARE.

-IT WILL BE DONE, ELMER.

(MEOW)

BECAUSE NOTHING ON EARTH CAN

QUELL THE FLAMES OF MY HEART.

(MEOW)

-OH!

(YOWLS)

BERT, YOU BARELY ATE

TWO BITES OF DINNER.

AT LEAST HAVE SOME FLAN.

YOUR MOTHER COULDN'T EAT FLAN.

IT GAVE HER PHLEGM.

IT'S BEEN

OVER A YEAR ALREADY, POP.

YOU GOT TO SNAP OUT OF THIS.

I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A BUMMER

FOR YOU, DANIEL.

I'LL JUST SIT OUTSIDE

AND HOPE THE COYOTES GET ME.

("FAST AS I CAN"

BY NADIA FAY PLAYS)

(MEOW)

ELMER, STOP, YOU LITTLE BRAT.

(MEOW)

-BETTER GET USED TO ME.

I PLAN ON SPENDING

A LOT OF TIME HERE.

WOMAN ON IPOD:

HE WAS DETERMINED TO BRING HER

TO THE PINNACLE OF ECSTASY

AS THE HEAT OF THEIR PASSION

WHIRLED AROUND THEM,

COCOONING THEM IN SILKEN

STRANDS OF PLEASURE.

DESIRE TOOK ON A FINE,

SHARP EDGE.

(PHONE RINGS)

THIS IS DEB.

I THOUGHT POP:

WAS GETTING BETTER.

DEB:
HE IS. SIX MONTHS AGO,

HE WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.

AND NOW HE WON'T STOP

WATCHING QVC.

YOU KNOW HOW MOM LOVED

THAT STUFF. GOD, HE ADORED HER.

TRUE THAT.

I MISS MOM. I EVEN MISS IT--

YEAH, DEB, I AM CLUELESS

ABOUT HOW TO HELP POP.

YOU GOT TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE

TO WATCH JAY'S DOG.

CAT, NO. NO WAY. JAY NEEDS ME.

YOU CAN HANDLE POP UNTIL

SATURDAY. I'LL BE HOME THEN.

COME ON. YOU'RE MY ROCK, DAN.

ROCK AND ROLL.

OK.

(DOGS BARKING)

HEY. I'M LIL G. AND YOU ARE?

OH, I'M DEB. I'M JUST STAYING

IN 719 FOR THE WEEK.

I'M CAT SITTING.

OH. AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY,

D-TOWN DEB?

OH, I DON'T REMEMBER.

I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC

THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF

FROM ENCINO.

WELL, TOMORROW, YOU MIGH WANT TO TRY TAKING THE METRO

TO THE VALLEY.

NO STRESS, NO MESS.

OK.

GOD, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

YOU PROBABLY STOPPED

TO GET THE MAIL.

I CAN DO THAT.

-HI.

-HI.

FRIEND OF JAY'S?

UM, YES, I AM CAT SITTING

FOR A CAT THAT HATES ME.

AND CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME

WHY WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY

TO PUT A MAN IN OUTER SPACE

BUT WE CAN'T MAKE A MAILBOX KEY

THAT ACTUALLY OPENS AND--

YEAH. AND A THOUSAND

PIECES OF JUNK MAIL.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT THE PLANET NEEDS.

WE SHOULD KILL MORE TREES

AND SMALL CREATURES--

YEAH, I HATE JUNK MAIL.

THIS IS AN INVITE

TO MY ART OPENING FRIDAY.

OH.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN

LIKE JUNKY JUNK MAIL

LIKE STUFF YOU DON'T WANT.

JUST EXTRA PAPER...NEVER MIND.

THANK YOU. SORRY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I'D LIKE TO PAINT YOU.

PUT PAINT ON ME:

OR PUT PAINT ON A CANVAS?

I'M MARRIED.

-I'M GAY.

-OH, GOOD.

-WET PAINT.

-OH.

-NICE TO MEET YOU, DEBORAH.

-DEB.

NO, NO, NO, DEB.

DEB IS CUTE, SWEET,

PEOPLE PLEASER.

YOU'RE A DEBORAH.

OK. AND YOU ARE?

ROOM 518 IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

WELCOME TO D-TOWN.

THANK YOU.

COOKIE.

(MAN GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

HUH, POP?

NOW YOU GIVE IT A TRY.

OR THERE'S VIRTUAL BOXING

OR VIRTUAL GOLF.

(PHONE RINGS)

LEEANN TEXTED ME FROM UPSTAIRS.

SHE'S IN THE BABYMAKING WINDOW.

SO I GOT TO GO PERFORM.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT VIRTUALLY?

(LAUGHS)

YOU MADE A JOKE, POP.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE

LOVED BEING A GRANDMA.

SHE WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT.

POP, DO YOU THINK

I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD FATHER?

ARE YOU KIDDING? THE GREATEST.

GO. GO. GO. MAKE A BABY.

THANKS.

THE ONLY TEARS:

THAT YOU SHED WITH THIS MACHINE

WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.

(APPLAUSE ON TV)

HMM.

OK.

WHERE AM I GOING

TO PUT EVERYTHING?

WHAT?

HI. SORRY.

UM, WELL, YOU SAID

IF I NEEDED ANYTHING.

SO HERE I AM:

WITH A PRE-THANK YOU GIFT.

UM, YOU DON'T HAVE A TOOLKI THAT I COULD MAYBE BORROW

AND THEN MAYBE YOU COULD COME BY

AND HELP ME MOVE A FEW THINGS?

WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

MY--

RIGHT. HE, UM...

HE'S A TOTAL LIE.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

OK. NOW WHAT?

WOMAN ON IPOD:

HER LIGHT BREATH FEATHERED

THE HOLLOW OF HIS CHEEK.

WHEN HER TONGUE:

TENTATIVELY TOUCHED HIS,

HE WAS SWEPT INTO A SWIRLING

MAELSTROM OF LONGING.

HER EYES WERE DILATED

WITH PASSION.

AND SO HE DRIFTED EVER LOWER,

FINALLY HALTING TO TEASE

THE BUD OF HER BREAS DRAWING IT AS INTENSELY

AS HE DARED INTO THE DEPTHS

OF HIS MOUTH.

HER LEGS OPENED FULLY WIDE,

LIKE A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS

ON A SPRING MORNING--

(SKYPE RINGS)

-OH, DON'T HANG UP!

WOO. UH. I'M COMING!

DON'T HANG UP.

I NEEDED TO GRAB A TOWEL.

OK. UM...

WHAT DO I PRESS?

HI? HI! HI.

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

IS EVERYTHING OK?

SO FAR.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

YOUR LOFT IS SUPER COOL.

YOU'RE COOL.

HA. (SNORTS) NO.

YOU ARE.

(MEOW)

-OH, I THINK SOMEONE

WANTS TO SAY HI TO YOU.

HEY, BUDDY.

HI. SAY, "HI, DADDY."

HI, DADDY. HE MISSES YOU.

WOW. HE LET YOU HOLD HIM?

KIND OF. HE'S REPENTING

FOR DIVE BOMBING ME

THE FIRST DAY HERE.

HEY, BUDDY. WE'RE GOING

TO BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.

HI.

MAN:
HEY, JAY,

THE HUMVEE'S HERE!

OH. I GOT TO GO.

LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.

I LOVE YOU GUYS. SEE YOU SOON.

LOVE YOU TOO.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

COMING!

HEY!

OH.

IF IT ISN' MY GAY FRIEND COOKIE.

WHAT KIND OF NAME

IS COOKIE ANYWAY?

IT RANKS RIGHT UP THERE

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