Dorfman Page #3

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WITH APPLE.

-MORNING PERSON, HUH?

-HMM.

WHOA. PERSONAL SPACE.

OH, PACKING PEANUT.

-OH.

-RELAX.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME?

WELL, YOU DID GIVE ME

A REALLY FINE BOTTLE OF WINE.

YEAH. I DID.

DID YOU AND YOUR CALIENTE

GIRLFRIEND ENJOY MY WINE?

NOPE. SAVING I FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.

OH.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

SO...

WHAT'S...

THAT'S ME TELLING YOU

TO DO YOUR CREATIVE THING

AND BE ARTSY AND TELL ME

WHERE TO...

OK.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

NO, NO. YOU'RE THE CREATIVE ONE.

SO ARE YOU.

JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT.

YEAH. I'M SO NOT FUN. SORRY.

DON'T APOLOGIZE.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

WHITE WALL. PEANUTS.

YOU NOT HELPING.

SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH.

YOU NEED FURNITURE MOVED,

ANYTHING AT ALL, I'M YOUR MAN.

WAIT, WAIT. OK.

SO I KNOW THAT JAY LOVES PLANTS.

SO I'LL START THERE.

WHERE DO I GET PLANTS?

THE PLACE IS AMAZING.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE

THEY JUST DELIVER.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

OK. WHATEVER HE JUST SAID

ABOUT ME, DON'T BELIEVE IT.

HE SAYS YOU GOT BIG HEART.

HOW DO YOU SAY THANK YOU

IN FARSI?

NO CLUE. I AM EGYPTIAN.

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I JUST...

-PERSIAN?

-NO, WE'RE NOT ALL PERSIAN HERE.

MOST BUT NOT ALL.

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

SO YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO WALK ME TO THE METRO?

SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH.

YOU JUST NEED TO BE

YOUR BADASS SELF DOWN HERE.

WATCH.

NOW YOU.

-YOU BAD?

-(SCOFFS) YO MAMA.

YEAH!

NICE.

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

GIVING THOSE TO YOUR

HOT CHA-CHA GIRLFRIEND?

SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.

THESE ARE FOR ME.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, DEBORAH.

BYE.

I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS

TO WALK ME TO THE METRO.

HE GAVE ME 20 NOT TO.

GREAT.

HOW MUCH ARE THOSE?

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, MY GOD.

THEY HAVE RED VELVE WEDDING CAKE. WHAT?

HEY, MOLLY. I NEED A MAKE UP

GIFT FOR LEEANN.

AGAIN?

SHE'S DYING FOR

THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN.

GET A GRIP. THAT'S WAY OVERKILL.

-MORNING.

-CAN I HAVE THOSE?

DRIVE THESE OVER TO MY HOUSE

ON YOUR LUNCH BREAK

WITH A CARD SAYING,

"I LOVE YOU, BABE."

-UNH.

-OH, I KNOW.

I GOT SLURPEED BY THE CUTES TWO-YEAR-OLD SOCIOPATH.

OH, LEEANN PREGNANT YET?

-WELL, SHE'S--

(PHONE RINGS)

OH, I GOT A CALL.

HEY, IT'S ALLEN.

HEY, ALLEN.

OH, I HEAR YOU, BUDDY.

WE'LL DO THE FRONT NINE

THIS TIME.

OH, HEY, REALLY BIG FAVOR.

MY BRIDAL SHOWER IS THIS FRIDAY.

AND I STILL DON'T HAVE

A MAID OF HONOR.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MARRIED

AND HAPPY AND LA LA.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY

SINGLE GIRL I KNOW. SO...

IT'S AN INSULT AND AN HONOR.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

YOU--I WOULD TOTALLY HUG YOU,

BUT YOU ARE REALLY GROSS

RIGHT NOW. SO, UNH.

OK. I HAVE A CLEAN SHIR IN MY GYM BAG IF...

-OK.

-IT'S REALLY CUTE TOO.

THANKS.

HARD AT WORK?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE

YOU TO OUR TWO NEW CLIENTS.

THIS IS CHELSEA AND VRONKA.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.

YOU DIDN'T TELL US

YOU HAD A HOT BROTHER.

WHO HAS HOT SHOT OFFICE

IN BORING SUBURB?

WELCOME TO THE AGENCY.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU TWO

TO LUNCH AND EXPLAIN WHA I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU?

NO NEED, DANNY. WE WANT DEB

TO BE OUR ACCOUNTANT.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE DEB OU FOR BIG, GLORIOUS CELEBRATION

FOR SAVING US BIG BUCKS.

APPLEBEE'S?

DO THEY NOT HAVE SPEED LIMITS

IN POLAND?

WE PARTY DOWN THERE.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

I TAKE ONE TOKE OF THAT,

AND I GAIN BACK:

ALL THE WEIGHT I'VE LOST.

AND FRANKLY MY SELF ESTEEM

IS QUESTIONABLE AS IS.

NO SELF ESTEEM?

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS, VRONKA?

I DO.

DEB:
OK. SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS

TAKING ME?

IT'S CLICHE. UGLY DUCKLING

INTO BEAUTIFUL SWAN MAKEOVER.

OH, I'M OK THE WAY I AM.

OH, IS THAT REALLY WORKING

FOR YOU?

JUST BEING JAY'S CAT SITTER?

YOU'RE SO INTO THE BOY.

COME ON, DEB. CONFESS.

YES, I'M INTO HIM.

AND HE FINALLY KISSED ME.

WELL, HE KISSED ME ONCE BEFORE.

BUT IT WAS AT MY BROTHER'S

WEDDING.

AND IT DOESN'T COUN BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK,

AND HE PUKED RIGHT AFTERWARDS.

BUT ANYWAY, THE POINT IS

I'VE GOT FOUR DAYS

TO FIX UP HIS LOFT. AND THEN--

THEN WHAT?

YOU LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

GET REAL, CINDERELLA.

YOU MIGHT BE A BOMB ACCOUNTANT,

BUT WE KNOW MEN.

GIVE THE LOF AND YOU A MAKEOVER.

AND IN THE CONQUES FOR JAY WILL BE ASSURED.

BUT I--I DON'T WAN TO LOOK LIKE A HOOKER.

I HEARD THAT, DEB.

I KNOW.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

DEB?

HI.

WHAT? ARE YOU TRYING

TO PICK UP SAILORS?

NO, POP!

HELLO. I GOT A MAKEOVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

PRETTY HOT, RIGHT?

TEPID?

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.

IT'S A BIT MUCH.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT REALLY ME.

BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY

KNOW WHO ME IS YET.

I'M STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS.

YOU GOT SUITCASES--

WALKING IN--WHY--WHY--

WHY DOES HE HAVE A SUITCASE?

BECAUSE POP MISSED YOU.

HEY, NOW I GOT TO GO.

LEEANN IS IN:

A BABYMAKING WINDOW.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU ARE NOT JUST DROPPING

POP HERE.

WHAT THE HELL:

KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?

PIPES EVERYWHERE?

NO WALLS. NO CARPETING.

IT'S MODERN, POP.

WELL, IS THERE A BATHROOM?

OR AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE

A MODERN PISS RIGHT HERE

ON CEMENT FLOOR?

YES, THERE'S A TOILET.

GO TO THE RIGHT. UNH. GOD.

YOU COULDN'T JUST WAI 'TIL SATURDAY?

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, OK?

HOW ABOUT A BRAND NEW

WIRELESS OFFICEJET PRINTER?

NO.

WITH A NEW 20-INCH LCD MONITOR?

-NO.

-WITH A NEW--

-WHAT DO YOU WANT?

-I WANT MY RAISE.

I DESERVE THAT RAISE, DANIEL.

SO $200 MORE A WEEK

OR POP GOES HOME WITH YOU.

THEY GIVE YOU A PAIR OF CAJONES

WITH THIS MAKEOVER?

NO. BUT I DID GIVE THE AGENCY

A PAIR OF MODELS.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

-SO DEAL?

OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST TAKE POP?

POP:
YOUR MODERN TOILE JUST BLOW DRIED MY TOOKUS.

DEAL.

JUST GAVE DEB A RAISE, POP.

POP:
IS YOUR BROTHER

THE GREATEST OR WHAT?

THE GREATEST.

NOW I GOT TO GO.

STILL MY ROCK?

ROCK WITH A RAISE.

ROLL. I'LL SEE YOU LATER,

POP. OK?

POP:
THE TV IS BROKEN.

GOD THERE ISN'T EVEN A TV.

THERE IS A TV. IT'S UPSTAIRS

WHERE YOU'LL BE SLEEPING

COMFORTABLY.

INSTEAD OF ME.

WHAT'S WITH

THE VERKAKTE STAIRCASE.

HEY, BABY, I'M ON MY WAY.

HURRY! THIS IS THE LAST NIGH I'M OVULATING.

THE WINDOW IS CLOSING.

I REPEAT, THE WINDOW IS CLOSING.

YEAH, I'M--I'M...COMING.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

JEWISH BROTHER DANIEL.

YOU PARTY WITH US NOW.

I CAN'T. I'M MARRIED.

WHO PAYS TO COOK THEIR OWN FOOD

AND EAT WITH STRANGERS?

TRY THE SAKI.

HOT WINE? I TELL YOU,

THE JAPANESE COULD SELL

ANYTHING.

GOD,

COULD YOU BE MORE OFFENSIVE?

SINCE WHEN DO YOU EAT JAPANESE?

SINCE I'M TRYING NEW THINGS. OK?

I LIKE IT HERE.

IT'S CUTE, POP.

COME ON, LOOK AT THE LAMPS.

THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE SCULPTURES.

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF PAPER.

THEY COST NOTHING.

I'LL BET THEY INVENTED

BOTTLED WATER TOO.

GOD...PLEASE TRY

TO BE MORE OPEN.

PLEASE TRY THE SAKI.

NOBODY LOVED WINE

MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.

NOTHING FANCY OR HEATED.

SHE'D BE HAPPY YOUR BROTHER

GAVE YOU A RAISE.

HEY, MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL WORK MY

WAY UP TO BEING DAN'S PARTNER.

I'D RATHER SEE YOU

WITH A HUSBAND AND KIDS.

YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYBODY

WANTS TO GET MARRIED, POP.

NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO STOP

EVERYTHING AND HAVE KIDS.

HERE WE GO. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.

I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND DRINK

OVERPRICE, HEATED WINE.

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