Dorfman Page #4

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SORRY.

WHAT THEY HELL:

ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

(WHISPERS)

TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND.

JUST STOP. GOD, WHY DOES

EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE

TO YELL AT YOU TO EAT?

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

TRY THIS. IT'S DELICIOUS.

HAPPY NOW?

DANCING ON THE CEILING.

-TASTES GOOD.

-GOOD.

BUT I WOULDN'T MIND A SANDWICH.

YOU SURE IT'S SAFE?

YEAH, IT'S JUST THE CITY, POP.

WHO'S THAT? THE MAYOR?

LOOK. OK. YOU CAN'T SHOW

ANY FEAR DOWN HERE. RIGHT?

YOU JUST HAVE:

TO ASSUME BADASS ATTITUDE.

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T SEE

THE URINE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE ALMOST HOME.

HOME HAS A KITCHEN

THAT'S NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

YOU CAN SURVIVE FOUR MORE DAYS.

I CAN'T SURVIVE

FOR FOUR MORE SECONDS.

MOVE! YOU'RE NO THE ONLY ONE WALKING DOWN HERE,

DO YOU HEAR ME?

YES, ADMITTEDLY,

IT IS A LITTLE BIT SCARY.

BUT, HEY, MAYBE A LITTLE SCARY

IS GOOD FOR US, RIGHT?

("VOCAL CHORDS"

BY DALE EARNHARDT JR. PLAYS)

DEBORAH.

OH, GOD.

YOU KNOW, NOBODY CALLS ME THAT.

YOU CALLING ME NOBODY?

BETTER THAN COOKIE.

SORRY. SOMETIMES I JUST...

HAVE NO FILTER.

YOU'RE JUST BEING HONEST.

WHAT ARE YOU EMBARRASSED

TO BE READING?

NOTHING.

PROVE IT.

ALL RIGHT. YES, IT'S TRUE.

I'M A CLOSET ROMANTIC.

AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE,

I'M--YEAH, NOPE, YEAH--

GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU

IN YOUR SLEEP.

SO, NEW LOOK.

YEAH. I'M JUST, YOU KNOW,

TRYING IT OUT.

SEEING HOW IT FEELS.

(SIGHS)

-LATE TO WORK?

-YEAH.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

THEN DON'T.

("I DON'T WANT TO WAIT"

BY ROSI GOLAN PLAYS)

WHAT'S AMAZING IS

THIS ONLY HAS 150 CALORIES.

HMM. SATISFY JAY'S SWEET TOOTH.

SHE SEEMS FRIENDLY.

I KNOW HER.

SHOCKING.

IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE,

I PRESUME.

WHAT IS WITH YOU AND THIS, LIKE,

REVOLVING DOOR OF HOTTIES?

YOU EVER HAD SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND?

ONCE. IT'S NOT FOR ME.

HEARTBREAK?

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)

COME ON.

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU,

VERY, VERY GOOD.

OK.

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)

I HAVE SOMETHING VERY GOOD

FOR YOU TODAY ONLY. HUH?

FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

-BIG CUCHARA.

-OH.

IF I HAD A HUSBAND,

HE WOULD DEFINITELY

WANT A BIG CUCHARA.

BUT I DON'T. SO...

-AHH.

-NO HUSBAND.

-SORRY.

-THAT'S OK.

I COULD BUY SOMETHING

FOR MY DAD.

VERY GOOD. TODAY ONLY.

A DOZEN OF RED SOCKS FOR 1.99.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.

BUT HE DOESN'T WEAR RED.

HE ONLY WEARS BLACK.

HE'S A WIDOWER.

AH, LIFE IS HARD

AND SHORT LIKE ME.

BUT TODAY ONLY, SENORITA, 5.99.

-BEAUTIFUL, HUH?

-OH, YEAH.

BUY TWO GET ONE FREE.

AND I THROW IN THE SOCKS.

OK. DEAL. SOLD.

ALL RIGHT! WHOO! VERY GOOD.

OK. HEY, COOKIE.

DON'T SAY

I NEVER GOT YOU ANYTHING.

DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE COLOR.

IT'S MY NEW FAVORITE.

OK. AHEM.

HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.

WE SHOULD GO.

I GOT TO GET TO WORK.

-GRACIAS. ADIOS.

-ADIOS, HANDSOME.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

BIG CUCHARA ONLY 5.99!

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

SO YOU'RE INTO OLDER MEN?

WHAT?

SHABU-SHABU LAST NIGHT.

(SNORTS) IT WAS MY DAD.

YOU'RE CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?

NOT REALLY. I MEAN,

IT'S JUST MY DAD NOW ANYWAY.

'CAUSE MY MOM DAD LAST YEAR.

OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?

YEAH. VERY COOL PEOPLE.

THEY REALLY GET ME.

WOW. BOTH OF THEM, HUH?

-YEAH.

-LUCKY.

IT'S WONDERFUL. MY MOM WAS

THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER GOT ME.

I MEAN, NOT THAT SHE THOUGH I WAS PERFECT.

SHE WAS ALWAYS ON ME ABOU EVERYTHING--MY HAIR, MY WEIGHT.

SHE'D BE LIKE,

"YOU'LL NEVER GET A MAN,

DEBORAH.

GET MARRIED,

THEN YOU CAN GET FAT."

I USED TO HATE I WHEN SHE WOULD NUDGE ME.

BUT NOW IT'S LIKE...

I EVEN MISS THAT.

I MISS EVERYTHING.

OH.

SORRY. SORRY.

DEBORAH,

STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING YOU.

I DO THAT.

YOU SAY "I'M SORRY"

LIKE EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

OH...SORRY.

HEH. SEE.

YEAH.

-GOT IT.

(PHONE RINGS)

OH.

HI, DANIEL. I'M SORRY.

OH, SORRY.

I'M GOING CRAZY.

I NEED TO SEE YOU NOW.

ARE YOU OK?

DO YOU WANT TO COME TO THE LOFT?

NO, NO, NO. POP CAN'T KNOW.

OK. MEET ME AT PERSHING SQUARE

BY THE FOUNTAIN.

THANKS, DEB.

(PHONE RINGS)

DANIEL, WHERE ARE YOU?

JAY:
I DON'T KNOW

IF I CAN DO THIS.

-JAY.

-THEY SAID "KABUL" SO I JUMPED.

I MEAN, EVEN KATIE COURIC WAS

EMBEDDED WITH THE TROOPS HERE.

BUT NOT ME.

-OK. YOU JUST NEED TO--

-LISTEN--

I AM COVERING A WIDOWS-ONLY

WEAVING BUSINESS

THAT ROSE FROM THE RUBBLE.

THEY'RE TEACHING ME

HOW TO MAKE SCARVES.

I THINK THAT SOUNDS COOL.

I HANG OUT IN JUNGLES.

I INTERVIEW DRUG CZARS.

I WATERBOARD MYSELF.

I DON'T WEAVE.

JAY, OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE THE BES REPORTER THAT THEY HAVE.

SO YOU GET IN THERE.

AND YOU WEAVE WITH THOSE WIDOWS

AND SHOW US HOW:

THEY'RE NOT ONLY SURVIVING

BUT THEY'RE THRIVING

IN THAT WORLD.

DEB,

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?

YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.

I OWE YOU ANOTHER DINNER.

SATURDAY NIGHT. YOU AND ME.

AND, OH, ARE WE GONNA PARTY.

HEY, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

I DON'T HAVE ONE. WHY?

NO REASON.

I MEAN, IT'S A SURPRISE.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY.

BYE.

(CLOSES PHONE)

-CHANGE!

-OH!

-GOD!

-CHANGE!

ASK NICELY.

YOU'RE SCARING PEOPLE.

CHANGE?

-HEY.

-HEY.

-WHAT'S GOING ON?

-I PARTIED LAST NIGHT.

WELL, GOOD. YOU KNOW,

YOU AND LEEANN COULD USE

A LITTLE FUN.

ME AND VRONKA AND CHELSEA.

OH...GOD, DANIEL!

HOW COULD YOU?

DOES LEEANN KNOW?

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I TOLD HER THAT YOU HAVE

A BIG PROBLEM.

SO I TOOK YOU OUT DRINKING

ALL NIGHT.

THAT'S AWESOME.

WHAT'S MY BIG PROBLEM?

YOU'RE A SEX ADDICT?

I'M A SEX ADDICT?!

DON'T WORRY.

BECAUSE I TOLD LEEANN

THAT I CONVINCED YOU

TO GO TO THE 12-STEP MEETINGS.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL OF YOU!

NOW, LEEANN'S GOING TO CALL YOU.

OK? SO I NEED YOU BACK ME.

-NO WAY. NO WAY.

-DEB.

YOU CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME,

DANIEL. I MEAN IT.

DEB, PLEASE, I SWEAR

I'VE NEVER CHEATED BEFORE.

AND I WILL NEVER,

EVER CHEAT AGAIN.

I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THIS.

OK. OK. OK. OK.

LAKERS ARE AT STAPLES.

KOBE. YOUR KOBE. TAKE POP.

-STOP BRIBING ME.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?

(PHONE RINGS)

IT'S LEEANN.

I CAN'T BREATHE.

HEY, LEEANN.

YEAH. NO, NO, NO. HE--WE--

YES, HE WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

HE TOLD YOU I HAVE A SECRET LIFE

AS A FLUFFER IN CHATSWORTH?

WHAT DID YOU GET?

WHAT DID YOU BUY?

POP:
KOBE BRYAN SHOOTS AND SCORES.

AND THE LAKERS WIN IN OVERTIME.

BOY, DID YOU MISS A GREAT GAME.

AND FOR WHAT? TO PAINT A WALL?

WE'RE NOT PEOPLE

WHO PAINT WALLS.

WE HIRE PAINTERS TO PAINT WALLS.

IT'S FUN, POP. YOU WAN TO GRAB A BRUSH, JUMP IN?

WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER,

WHICH IS POSSIBLE NOW

WITH GLOBAL WARMING.

YOU KNOW,

JAY DID A GREAT VLOG ON THAT.

WHICH ONE OF THESE

DO YOU THINK MATCHES HIS EYES?

I CALLED DANIEL TO THANK HIM

FOR THE LAKER TICKET.

BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK?

HE'S SWAMPED RIGHT NOW.

HE WORKS TOO HARD.

OH!

LOOK, POP.

I GOT YOU A PRESENT TODAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DO I LOOK LIKE TOMMY BAHAMA?

GET ME A PAIR OF MARACAS.

I'LL JOIN THE BEACH BOYS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

IT'S THE KEY TO MY HEART, BABE.

-IT'S FOR PUTTING UP WITH POP.

-IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BABE.

THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN

IS OUT OF REACH NOW.

BUT WE'LL GET THERE.

(SIGHS) LET'S SEE.

I THINK IF WE HAVE A BOY

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