Dorfman Page #5

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WE SHOULD NAME HIM DAVID.

DAVID DORFMAN. OR BONO.

BONO DORFMAN.

DAVID BONO DORFMAN.

-LET'S--

-LET'S GO TO VEGAS.

-VEGAS?

-THERE'S NO WORK ON FRIDAY.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO VEGAS.

WE'RE BOOKED ALL WEEKEND.

-WE'VE GOT PLANS.

-I'M SICK OF PLANS.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOME FUN

FOR A CHANGE?

FUN?

YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING

FUN FIVE MINUTES AGO.

BUT THEN YOU HAD TO SPOIL I WITH ALL THE BABY TALK.

IT'S BONO BY THE WAY.

AND THERE ARE NO JEWISH BONOS,

LEEANN.

WELL, THERE'S NO JEWISH

PIRATES EITHER, CAPTAIN JACK.

JUST ADMIT IT.

YOU DON'T WANT THIS BABY.

MAYBE I DON'T.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

IT'S OPEN.

OH, MY HERO.

(DRILL RUNS)

-I'M READY TO HANG ART.

-I SEE THAT.

YOU HAVE A GOOD EYE.

YOU THINK I HAVE A GOOD EYE?

WELL, THE OTHER ONE SUCKS.

BUT...

HEH HEH.

COOL. YOU'RE PAINTING A WALL.

I'VE CREATED A MONSTER.

WELL, I THOUGHT I WOULD PAINT I JAY'S FAVORITE COLOR.

BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.

SO I AM PAINTING I TO MATCH HIS EYES.

THOUGHTFUL.

THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL I AM.

SO ARE YOU FREE TO HELP ME

MOVE SOME FURNITURE,

OR DO YOU HAVE A DATE?

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A DATE.

BUT WHO WOULD YOU DATE?

BECAUSE YOU'VE DATED EVERYBODY.

SHUT UP AND POINT.

(DRILL RUNS)

LET'S GO.

DON'T DRILL THE FURNITURE.

LET'S JUST MOVE IT.

OH, I'LL SEE.

("LET'S SPEND SOME TIME" PLAYS)

CAN I HELP YOU? NO, I'M FINE.

I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER

I'D CHECK OUT THE GARDEN.

WHAT ARE YOU GROWING?

AIR CONDITIONING UNITS?

NOT A FAN OF URBAN WHIMSY, HUH?

NOT A FAN OF URBAN ANYTHING.

MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.

THERE ARE A FEW THINGS

THAT I HAVE TO GET.

MY DAUGHTER:

AND HER VERKAKTE LISTS.

SUDDENLY SHE'S

A REGULAR MARTHA STEWAR WITHOUT A PRISON RECORD.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO PICK UP

SOME ART SUPPLIES.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

WE'LL TAKE MY TRUCK.

EITHER YOU'RE A FAGELA

WHO WANTS MY BODY OR A MENSCH.

TRANSLATION?

GAY OR A GOOD PERSON.

COULDN'T I BE BOTH?

-MORNING.

-HEY.

WHOA.

EITHER I'M HALLUCINATING

OR YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION.

OH, MY GOD. YOU HAD A MAKEOVER

AND ARE NOW GOING TO BE PRETTIER

THAN ME AT MY WEDDING.

NO. OK.

QUICK QUESTION.

THIS IS MY FRIEND TAWNY'S DRESS.

AND IF I WEAR IT,

I COULD SAVE BIG BUCKS.

BUT TAWNY DUMPED HER HUSBAND

FOR HER KICKBOXING INSTRUCTOR.

SO IS IT BAD LUCK

IF I WEAR THE DIVORCED

DUMPER'S WEDDING DRESS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I DO?

ELOPE. DAN IN?

YEAH. HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU.

LEEANN'S BEEN CALLING,

LIKE, 10 TIMES AND

HE WON'T SPEAK TO HER.

(DOOR OPENS)

TELL ME YOU'RE GOING ON

A WORK TRIP.

BROKE UP WITH LEEANN

THIS MORNING.

BUT I'M DOING GREAT.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OK. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK UP

WITH YOUR WIFE.

LOOK, I WANT TO DO

THE RIGHT THING.

SHE CAN HAVE WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

OH, GOD. DAN, YOU ARE SO

GOING TO REGRET THIS.

I'M FINE. SEE?

(PHONE RINGS)

YEAH, IT'S LEEANN.

DON'T TELL HER WHERE I AM. OK?

OR WHERE I'M GOING.

AH.

IT'S HAPPENING. THE PANICS.

OH, GOD.

HELLO?

HEY, LEEANN.

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

YEAH, I WILL. OK.

BYE.

THANK YOU.

WHERE WERE YOU EVEN

PLANNING ON GOING?

OH, NO.

OH...

THANK YOU FOR THIS.

IF I DON'T WORK EVERY DAY,

I GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

YOU LIKE YOUR WORK. THAT'S NICE.

YOU LIKE YOUR WORK?

WORK'S WORK.

I WAS AN INSURANCE AGENT.

I HAVE A NATURAL GIF FOR PREDICTING DOOM.

COULD YOU SHIFT THE BOTTOM HALF

OF YOUR BODY TO THE LEFT?

OY!

I KNOW THIS ISN' COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

I HAVE A BUM BACK.

WELL, THEN FORGET POSING.

YOU WANT TO TRY PAINTING?

-ME, OH, NO. NO.

-WHY NOT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

STILL LIFE? SELF PORTRAIT?

I'LL GET YOU--

NO, NO, NO, NO. MY WIFE.

SHE WAS THE CREATIVE ONE.

THAT WOMAN COULD DO ANYTHING

WITH A GLUE GUN.

THEN DO IT FOR HER.

(DOOR BUZZES)

I'LL GET THE DOOR FOR YOU,

YOUR MAJESTY.

OH, COME ON.

AH, GOOD EVENING, D-TOWN DEB.

HI, LIL G.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.

UNFORTUNATELY,

HE'S GOING TO BE STAYING HERE.

AH, SWEET! NICE TO MEET YOU,

BROTHER DAN WITH A TAN.

NO, NO. NO NICKNAME FOR HIM.

-HE DOES NOT DESERVE ONE.

-HMM.

(PHONE BEEPS)

-OH, GREAT.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHO THAT WOULD

BE TEXTING ME FOR THE 65TH TIME.

LEEANN.

IT'S DAD.

HE KNOWS HOW TO TEXT?

NO. AND HE'S NOT UPSTAIRS.

OK, WE SHOULD GO.

WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN'T TELL

POP THAT I LEFT LEEANN.

UH, NO. YOU ARE TELLING HIM.

YOU'RE TELLING HIM YOU CHEATED.

NO MORE LIES, DAN.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

OR YOU DON'T GET TO STAY HERE.

-BYE, LIL G.

-WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I PROMISE THAT I WILL TELL HIM

IN TIME. BUT NOT NOW.

COME ON.

-WHOA.

-WHOA.

I JUST WANT TO FIND POP.

DAN:
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

-OK. CONTROL YOURSELF.

-WHAT IS HE DOING?

I THINK I SEE HIM.

YEAH, THERE HE IS. THERE'S POP.

I CAN'T EVEN GET HIM

TO STARBUCKS.

BUT HE'LL COME TO THIS PLACE.

SON, OH,

I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

DANIEL, DEB,

MEET MY FRIEND COOKIE.

-HI.

-HEY, HOW ARE YOU, MAN?

YEAH, WE'VE MET.

BUT WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?

IN THE WONDERFUL WHIMSICAL

GARDEN AT THE LOFT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUILDING

WAS L.A.'S FIRST PRIVATELY OWNED

POWER PLANT?

RESTORE. REFIT. REUSE.

RIGHT, COOKIE?

RIGHT.

MY PLEASURE.

WHERE'S LEEANN?

UM, SAN DIEGO.

HER MOM JUST HAD TOP SECRE BUTT REDUCTION SURGERY.

SO NOT A WORD TO LEEANN.

I THOUGH I'D STAY WITH YOU GUYS.

GREAT. TRY THIS.

IT'S A POMEGRANATE MARTINI.

GOOD FOR THE PROSTATE.

REALLY?

IS THAT REALLY ALL YOU WANT?

YEAH. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT EVERYTHING.

I WANT LOVE.

AND I'M FINALLY FIGHTING FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN CRAZY ABOU JAY FOR, LIKE, 10 YEARS.

AND IT'S JUST NOW THA I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

'CAUSE I'VE LEARNED YOU HAVE

TO FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU FIGHT, I'LL PAINT.

I'M JUST SAYING THA I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD

GIVE UP SO EASILY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S BETTER TO HAVE

LOVED AND LOST...

SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF YOUR ROMANCE

NOVELS TO ME.

MAYBE. BUT...

I THINK YOU'RE JUST AFRAID

OF BEING HURT AGAIN.

GOT TO SUCK IT UP, COOKIE.

OH, YEAH? HEH.

YEAH.

I HAVE TO GO:

TO THE LADIES' ROOM.

YEAH, I GOT TO GO,

UM, SOMEWHERE.

I GOT TO PEE TOO.

NO, NO, NO.

POP, I WANT TO PEE BY MYSELF.

WELL, FINE.

WE'LL TAKE SEPARATE PEES.

(SIGHS)

WHAT?

SO YOU AND COOKIE?

-POP, PLEASE.

-NO, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS WANTED

A JEWISH DOCTOR OR A LAWYER

FOR YOU.

I'M JUST RELIEVED

IT'S SOMEONE WITH A PENIS.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE COOKIE.

OK? I LIKE SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO?

WHO HAVE I HAD A CRUSH ON, LIKE,

MY ENTIRE LIFE?

KOBE BRYANT.

HE'S ALREADY MARRIED.

HE'S TOO TALL FOR YOU.

LISTEN TO ME. I'M YOUR FATHER.

YOU NEED TO GROW UP

AND FACE REALITY.

YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO MARRY KOBE BRYANT.

STOP WITH THE KOBE BRYANT.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH KOBE BRYANT, OK?

-I'M, LIKE, IN LOVE WITH JAY.

-JAY?

YEAH, WHY DO YOU THINK

I'M SPENDING SO MUCH TIME

FIXING UP HIS LOFT?

I THOUGHT MAYBE:

IT WAS YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH.

YOUR MOTHER USED TO REAPPLIQUE

EVERY 30 DAYS.

OK. I DON'T WANT TO TALK

ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT? LET'S JUST TRY

TO HAVE A FUN NIGHT.

-OK. YOU HAVE FUN. I'LL GO PEE.

-OK.

(SNORING)

OK.

UNH.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS BLUE WORKS.

WAKE UP, SON.

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