Dorfman Page #6

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YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND

ALL WEEK LIKE A MASHUGANA.

-EAT.

-OH, BUT I HAVE NO APPETITE.

HAPPY NOW?

SINGING IN THE RAIN.

-AH, WHAT'S UP?

-GOT MOLLY'S SHOWER TODAY.

OH, YEAH.

DAMN, LEEANN WILL BE THERE.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS

IN SAN DIEGO HELPING HER MOTHER

WITH HER NEW TOOKUS?

-UH...

(PHONE RINGS)

WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU?

-UH...

-SOLICITOR.

-FOR WHAT?

-FOR, UH...

JEWS FOR JESUS.

DON'T PICK UP.

OH, MY GOD! MY MAID OF HONOR!

-IS LEEANN HERE?

-YES, SOMEWHERE. FOCUS ON ME.

OK. SO YOU HAVE

TO MEET MY BRIDES MAIDS,

WHO ARE, LIKE, MY BEST FRIENDS.

EXCEPT FOR NATALIE

WHO IS LIKE A TOTAL B*TCH.

OH, UM, HEY, CARLIE, NATALIE.

THIS IS DEB.

-HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

-HI.

OH, GOD.

THERE'S MY FUTURE MONSTER

IN LAW. SHE'S SUCH A PIG.

MOM, HI.

DEB.

HEY.

SO, ANY UPDATE

ON MY SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND?

NO, I'M SORRY, LEEANN.

I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM.

-LET'S GO DO SOMETHING.

-RELAX.

RELAX.

I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK.

LATER. SIT.

ENJOY THE VIEW.

I CAN'T.

I'M MARRIED.

LOOK UP.

HEY, POP, YOU NEVER--

LOOKED AT THE PRETTY GIRLS?

ALL THE TIME BEFORE YOUR MOTHER.

HOW COULD YOU NOT LOOK

OR IMAGINE?

-WE'RE MEN, RIGHT?

-RIGHT.

BUT WE'RE ALSO GOOD MEN.

WE MAY LOOK,

BUT WE MUST NOT TOUCH.

-POP, I, UH...

-YEAH?

AH, I'M GONNA GO FOR A WALK.

CAREFUL OUT THERE.

OH, MY GOD! YOU GOT ME

THE PICKLE FORKS.

AND NOT MONOGRAMMED.

WELL DONE.

SO IS DRESSING WEIRD

PART OF SEX ADDICT THERAPY?

NO, I'M JUST INTO WEIRD NOW.

SO, LIKE,

HOW MANY GUYS QUALIFIES YOU

TO BE A SEX ADDICT?

COULD WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS,

LIKE, EVER AGAIN, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT.

THIS PLACE IS PRETTY AWESOME,

HUH?

MAYBE I'LL MOVE TO THIS SIDE OF

THE HILL AFTER THE DIVORCE.

LEEANN, PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.

WHY NOT? HE'S THERE.

WHERE IS HE, DEB?

WHERE IS HE? I MEAN,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S OK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHAT DO I DO?

IT'S OK.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

GO SAY GOODBYE TO MOLLY.

WE'RE GOING TO FIND HIM. OK?

-OK.

-I PROMISE.

THANK YOU.

(SIGHS)

(RINGING)

OH, DANIEL, COME ON.

WHERE ARE YOU?

(PHONE RINGING)

DAN:
MAY I ANSWER MY PHONE,

MASTER?

(WHIP CRACKS)

VRONKA:
NO SPEAK.

DOGS ONLY BARK.

(DANIEL BARKS)

(DOOR OPENS)

DEB:
POP, I'M BACK.

WE HAVE COMPANY.

LEEANN, HOW WAS SAN DIEGO?

UH-OH. I BLEW THE SECRET.

WELL, PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS

THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER HAD

A PERFECTLY FIND TUSH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SO, UM, WHERE IS DANIEL?

LONG WALK. WHAT TIME'S

COOKIE'S OPENING TONIGHT?

WE SHOULD GO MAYBE AROUND 8:00.

I'VE GOT A FEW MORE THINGS

TO FINISH UP HERE.

SO YOU HANG WITH ELMER AND POP,

AND I'LL FIND DAN. OK?

(DOOR CLOSES)

YOU HAVE A FRIEND.

WE SURE DIDN' START OUT THAT WAY.

RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.

-SWEETHEART, WHAT'S WRONG?

-NOTHING. NOTHING.

-WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

-IT'S JUST BACK THERE.

(DAN BARKS)

OH, GOOD LORD.

UH...

IS DANIEL HERE?

HE CAN'T COME TO THE DOOR.

HE BAD DOG.

OH, GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DANIEL, GET YOUR BUT BACK TO THE LOFT.

I'M NOT...EW.

EW! GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GOD, LEEANN IS IN JAY'S LOF RIGHT NOW.

-WHAT?

-YEAH.

JESUS, HOW COULD YOU

DO THIS TO ME?

HOW COULD I DO THIS TO YOU?

STOP IT! STOP IT! OK!

I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!

I SUCK! OK. BUT YOU CANNOT TELL

LEEANN ABOUT THIS.

GOD, DAN. I AM DONE.

I AM DONE. I AM SO DONE

DEALING WITH YOUR CRAP.

PLEASE, I BEG YOU!

OK. YOU KNOW I LOVE LEEANN.

IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE, DAN.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

YOU CAN BE MARRIED

OR YOU CAN BE SINGLE.

YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

OK. OK. OK.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE

FOR YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?

HUH? ANOTHER RAISE?

NO!

PARTNERSHIP?

RIGHT? EQUAL PARTNERS

AT THE AGENCY.

DORFMAN AND DORFMAN.

SO I DON'T TELL LEEANN

THAT YOU CHEATED ON HER

AND YOU'LL MAKE ME

YOUR EQUAL PARTNER?

WITH AN EQUAL SIZE OFFICE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH? PARTNERS?

I SAY I QUIT.

YOU QUIT?

OH, YEAH. I QUIT. I QUIT.

DAN, I DON'T WAN TO BE YOUR PARTNER.

GOD, IT'S BAD ENOUGH

I HAVE TO BE YOUR SISTER.

BUT I NEED YOU.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

-DEB, YOU'RE MY ROCK!

-YOU'RE MY CHAIN, DAN!

TAKE A SHOWER.

TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

UNH!

(TEA KETTLE WHISTLES)

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WAN TO TALK ABOUT THIS?

MY AUNTIE USED TO MAKE HERSELF

A CUP OF TEA WHEN SHE WAS UPSET.

NOW YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN

LIFE'S BLISSFUL BLEND,

ENERGY CHARCO CHAI.

WHAT THE HELL IS YERBA MATE?

IN MY DAY WE HAD ONE TEA--

LIPTON'S.

BUT NOW YOU GOT TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN OOLONG OOSHORT OOSHIT.

NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE

ALL NEED THERAPY.

DAN WON'T GO TO THERAPY WITH ME.

-HUH?

(DOOR OPENS)

DAN?

HEY. SO HE'S ON THE ROOF.

WHAT? IS HE GOING TO JUMP?

NO. NO. OH, GOD, NO.

HE'S GOING TO TALK.

JUST TAKE THE STAIRS

BY THE ELEVATOR.

OK.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT THAT.

DAN.

HEY.

FORGIVE ME. I--I FREAKED

AND I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.

DANIEL DOESN'T NEED THERAPY.

WHY SHOULD HE GO TO THERAPY?

'CAUSE HE'S PERFECT.

THAT'S WHY HE'S--

(SIGHS) NEVER MIND.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.

THEY'RE MARRIED!

HOW BAD IS IT?

IT'S REALLY BAD. IT'S NO MY PLACE TO TELL YOU THOUGH.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME?

-I QUIT THE AGENCY.

-WHAT?

YOU CAN'T QUIT! DANIEL WILL

ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TAKING

CARE OF ME.

I SWEAR, BABE.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

I'VE JUST BEEN HERE

HATING MYSELF FOR CAUSING

YOU SUCH WORRY.

ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

WHY WOULD I HAVE AN AFFAIR?

(SIGHS)

I WANT A BABY.

I'M GOING UP TO THE ROOF.

NO, POP. DON'T RESCUE DANIEL.

HE NEEDS TO FACE LEEANN

AND YOU.

WHAT DID HE DO?

WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?

HE'S A GOOD MAN, A GREAT SON,

A HUSBAND, AND BROTHER.

AND YOU'RE NOT QUITTING

THAT JOB. YOU NEED HIM.

NO. HE NEEDS ME, POP.

AND YOU NEED ME.

AND IT'S FREAKING KILLING ME.

ARE YOU CRAZY? WE LOVE YOU.

I KNOW.

I KNOW. AND I'M SORRY.

I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOU MY SAFETY AND MY FUTURE.

YOU FEAR FOR ME,

BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS TO YOU, I'M STILL

THAT FAT, UNPOPULAR LITTLE GIRL.

AND DANIEL WILL FOREVER BE

YOUR BRIGHT, SHINING STAR.

(DOOR OPENS)

EVERYTHING'S OK.

-LET ME GO FRESHEN UP.

-OK.

DANIEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU TOLD POP:

I CHEATED ON LEEANN?

-YOU CHEATED ON LEEANN?

-OK.

OK, POP. I PROMISE I'M GOING

TO MAKE IT UP TO LEEANN.

OK BELIEVE ME.

I AM GOING TO PAY.

I'M GOING

TO PAY FOR HURTING HER.

-YOU LIED?

-I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

LOOK. I'LL MAKE IT UP

TO BOTH OF YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING NEW

FOR YOUR CONDO?

(SIGHS) OH, GOD. STOP, DANIEL.

SO I'LL MEE YOU BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS?

-YEAH.

-BYE.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, GUYS.

SUNDAY DINNER AT OUR HOUSE?

OH. AND, DEB.

BRING MY STUFF WITH YOU. THANKS.

(DOOR OPENS CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

ELMER...

I DON'T LIKE THAT WALL.

-WANT A DRINK?

-NO.

FINE. I'LL DRINK FOR BOTH OF US.

-THAT'S FINE.

-IT'S FINE.

TOTALLY DERIVATIVE. (SCOFFS)

TOTALLY.

YOU'RE SO TOTALLY ORIGINAL.

THIS WORK IS BRILLIANT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ME--I...

WELL, I THINK THA THIS IS THE MOST TOTALLY

NOT DERIVATIVE WORK

I HAVE EVER SEEN

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

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