Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself

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To salt lake, and now please

Welcome doug stanhope.

(audience cheers and applauds)

thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

(man shouts in audience)

Yeah, thanks.

I just realized I didn't turn

Off my cell phone, so I'm gonna

Just...F*** it.

F*** it.

Don't call me.

Alright.

I should have started stronger

Than this.

Ever look in the mirror in the

Morning and think, "that can't

Be accurate."

Oh it's--that's off by years,

And pounds, and wrinkles, and is

That metric?

Send that to the front desk and

Get that recalibrated 'cause

That is not--that doesn't even

Look like a head anymore.

The f*** have I done to myself?

(laughter)

I'm good at night, don't worry,

It's just the mornings are

F***ing rougher.

I don't do nearly as many drugs

As I should, then I have the

Reputation for it, but mitch

Hedberg, you know mitch hedberg,

Right?

(cheers and applause)

He was a--he was a drug

Enthusiast.

He was a drug connoisseur, and

He died.

Drugs killed him, but they

Didn't ruin his life by any

Stretch.

He really enjoyed--he was good

At--he wasn't someone who

Faltered at it.

He didn't wake up, "and oh,

Sh*t.

I should really work on myself,

And I--I need to rethink

This."

That guy f***ing loved doing

Drugs the entire time he was

Alive, maybe up until that last

Minute where he went--

(gasps)

That might have not been as much

Fun, but still.

And now his family, his

Beautiful, beautiful family, and

Mary and arne, and if you ever

See this, don't take it

Personal, but his family set up

A mitch hedberg charity.

It's a mitch hedberg golf

Tournament to go to support a

Rehabilitation facility.

They took everything that he was

About, turned it on its ass.

He hated sports.

He loved drugs.

And you have a f***ing charity,

Sponsoring.

It's like if the guy who died

On the luge in the olympics had

His family come out and have

A charity pie-eating contest to

Keep kids out of sports.

Stay on the couch, you get fat,

Kids.

It was just everything he was

Against for everything he

Loved, and they did that because

I guess it would have been too

Tasteless to have a charity

Event where you get--actually

For a buck a shovel literally

Dig up his grave and turn him

Upside down...

And then bury it back.

(audience applauds and shouts)

His parents are so sweet, and I

Was very tentative about

Putting that on a dvd, but it's

Such a funny--it's just--rehab

Is just such fraud.

It's just this cottage industry

Of nonsense junk science,

F***ing dr. Drew pinsky should

Be just--he's like--I've never

Done a bit about someone for--

You do bits, and you fake anger,

And you write a bit, you know,

You have passion for it, and

Then you do it too many times,

And then you have to work up the

Anger, and I've never had to do

That when talking about dr.

Drew pinsky for f***ing years.

Just hearing his name, this bile

Comes out of me 'cause it's--

(audience applauds and shouts)

It started--if there is a war

On drugs, he is the joseph

Goebbels' propaganda minister of

Lies, and it started out with

Just the celebrity rehab, and

That was a--it's a dumb show.

But what made it important--dr.

Drew is a real doctor.

That's what you have to keep in

Mind.

He's an actual--he's not a fake

Dr. Phil.

He's an actual, went to medical

School, has a diploma over his

Desk, real doctor spreading this

Nonsense, and it started with

"celebrity rehab," which was a

Guilty pleasure.

It was fun to watch.

They, you know, call in all

These d-level celebrities.

Let them shake off the dts for a

Couple of days with cameras in

Their faces 24/7, and then

They'd send them boating with

Gary busey 'cause that's what a

Medical professional would tell

You to do in that situation,

And instead of being stripped of

His credentials for this,

Instead of being drug out in

The street and beaten and tied

Shirtless to a telephone pole

Out front of this place so

Garage bands could staple flyers

To his chest to promote their

Upcoming gig, and then the other

Band would draw a dick picture

On the thing, and they'd tear

That off and put up a new

Poster, and eventually drew

Pinsky would die the slow

Bleeding death of a thousand

Weeping pinhole bleeds.

Instead of that happening, what

Happened is it gave him

Credibility.

People took him seriously.

And that's what makes you crazy,

Is not that these buffoons exist

In life, but the fact that it

Was--like the sarah palins or

The glenn becks or whoever

Where you ah--if everyone was

Laughing at them, you'd go,

"ah, what a--" but when they're

Taking--drew pinsky now is the

Go-to guy for any kind of

Celebrity, you know, any--any

Heath ledger issue, any f***ing

Michael jackson, he's the guy

That the mainstream media goes

To.

"joining us tonight to talk

About one of the coreys that

Died.

We don't know which corey.

No one really cares.

But to discuss the tragedy,

Joining us tonight, celebrity

Rehabilitation expert, dr.

Drew pinsky, welcome to the

Show."

You know, first of all, how are

You a celebrity rehabilitation

Expert?

How do you get that designation?

At what point in medical school

Did your professor pull you to

The side?

"drew, come here a second, I

Wanna talk to you.

Listen, I have been watching

Your work.

I have been watching you poke

Around the cadavers and do what

You do with the smug look on

Your face.

Did anyone ever tell you that

You have a keen eye for the rich

And famous?

You should really go in that

Direction.

I think you have a natural gift

To be an ambulance chaser to the

Stars.

You f***ing would step over a

Dozen dying winos in the street

Just to get to lindsay lohan's

Bedside to offer unsolicited

Advice to charlie sheen via

Twitter as a medical

Professional is wont to do."

Yeah, yeah, dr. Drew pinsky,

Celebrity rehabilitation expert.

It's like if I were a

Gynecologist, but I've found

That I--I specialize in really

Young, hot...

Shaved...

Stinkless p*ssy.

That's where I found--I just

Had a knack.

It was like a gift from god,

Just teenage norwegian p*ssy is

All I really work with anymore

Because I wanna give back.

I wanna give of myself, you

Puddle of sh*t.

And what they don't show you,

When they've--they're treating

This.

Remember this is a deadly

Disease.

Addiction is--here it comes

Again, watch.

Ah, ah.

This might look like a choice,

But it's not.

This is a deadly affliction.

Mmm, mmm.

There's no such thing as

Addiction.

I mean on the most minor levels,

There are--if you're a hardcore

Substance abuser, there is a

Physical addiction where you

Might need a medical detox for a

Few days to--so you don't

Seizure up and swallow your

Tongue.

After that, it's done.

Then it's a choice.

It's right back to a f***ing

Choice.

(shudders)

whoo!

and there's no such thing as

Addiction.

There's only things that you

Enjoy doing more than life,

(audience cheers and applauds)

And that's-- it's not just drugs

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