Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #2

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And alcohol, f***ing sex

Addiction,

Eat too much pie, but, yeah--

It's what you wanna do.

And what they don't show you in

Any of these shows is--what are

You-- what do you do with

These-- you have all these shows

Exploiting shitheads.

You know, "intervention."

"intervention's" an hour-long

Show and 52 minutes of it is

Some f***ing stumblebum being

Followed around by a camera,

Shitting his pants, puking in

Trashcans and losing his job

Because that's fun to watch.

It really is.

It's easily exploitable.

That's why cigarettes--they're

Far more dangerous than anything

That they show, like an

Intervention, but you don't see

That episode.

There's not the--the cigarette,

Because no one wants to watch

52 minutes of a guy going...

(laughter)

"it's killing me."

So they have to get the

Stumblebum just, you know,

Shitting his pants and knocking

Over the turkey at his aunt

Nancy's house on thanksgiving

Morning because you're trying to

Drink her mouthwash because it's

Fun to watch.

But what they don't ever show

You is the cure.

If these shows are supposed to

Be informational and

Educational, what the f*** do

You do?

What's the cure?

You show me 52 minutes of the

Guy f***ing up and being

Hilarious, and then you fast

Forward through the intervention

Part 'cause no one wants to

Watch that.

That's just boring idiot family

Members reading hallmark cards

They wrote themselves.

"you didn't show up to sherry's

Graduation and-- "

So what do you--what happened?

And the only cure they show--

They show--oh yeah, and we flew

Him to palos altos, california

For a rehab, and he hasn't drank

Since 2007.

Well, what did you do there?!

That might be a good focal point

Of the show, is the cure for

This deadly disease!

What is the cure, dr. Drew?

Tell me what you're gonna do

With charlie sheen if you get

Him.

How do you f***ing cure these

People?

All you do is show me, you know,

Boating with gary busey.

What's the cure?

"well, we get them involved in

A--we put him in a rehab."

Well, what do you do in the

Rehab?

"well, it's a--it's a

Treatment."

Well, what is the f***ing

Treatment?

"well, we get them involved in a

Program."

Stop with the buzz words and

Tell me what exactly is the

Cure!

"oh, the cure specifically is--

(coughs)

Uh, god."

What?

What?

"yes...

(coughs)

God."

That's what you do?

That's all I do.

All these rehabs, all they do is

Funnel you into a 12-step

Program, aa and the like, and

Any 12-step program is a

God-based program.

It's like seven of the 12 steps

Are about god and giving your

Life to god.

You're a f***ing medical doctor

With a diploma over your desk.

You treat one thing and one

Thing only, and the only cure

You have for it is god?

Even your religious friends do

Not wanna hear about god during

A medical diagnosis.

It's the last word you ever

Wanna hear from a doctor.

"you know, doc, my f***ing lymph

Nodes are swollen out of my

Neck.

I look like a bullfrog.

I'm shitting blood with

Clumps in it.

I can't keep food down."

"ooh, sounds like someone needs

A higher power."

(audience cheers and applauds)

"can't we do some blood work

First, series of antibiotics,

Get a cat scan?"

"no, get on your knees and pray,

F*ggot."

You're a doctor?

"yeah, I'm on tv, too."

(laughter)

Aa makes scientology look

Credible.

It's--it's at least--

Scientology or any f***ing

Mormons or christians or

Muslims, at least the major cult

Religions have a consistent

Dogma where aa is so splatter

Shot and made up on the fly.

Aa tells you to make up your own

God if you don't already have a

God.

The big book of aa--I grew up

In aa, and I believed all this

Sh*t was true.

My mother was in aa, so as a kid

Doing homework in the back of

Meetings listening to this sh*t.

There's a chapter to the

Agnostic in the big book, their

Bible, and you'd go oh, oh

Chapter to the agnostic, this

Will teach you how to use this

Program as a reasonable grown-up

Adult human being.

No, they don't do that.

No, the chapter to the agnostic

Tells you how to stop being

Agnostic and start believing in

A little bit of god, you

Stubborn little fella.

You gotta believe in him.

And it tells you if you don't

Already have a god, make up your

Own, and you go, "I'm a drunk.

I can't even make up a good

Excuse for why I pissed in the

Sock drawer last night."

This is probably--

(audience cheers and applauds)

Probably--probably not a good

Time for me to be creating

Omnipotent deities that I will

Lay my life down before for the

Rest.

you're our god, doug.

me a god, yes, yes, and you

Are my f***ing satan.

First step of aa, you have to

Admit that you're powerless over

Alcohol and that your life has

Become unmanageable, and then

They go onto the next step

Which you have to turn your life

And your will over to a power

Higher than yourself.

And you go, "I was a

Freethinking atheist coming

Into this bullshit, but since I

Went along with you on that

First step on a goof where I'm

Powerless over alcohol, I guess

Then by default, alcohol would

Have to be my only higher power,

So...

(audience cheers and applauds)

I'll go with the--I'll go with

Vodka, I guess.

If I am to be a monotheist and

Pick just one, I will go with

Vodka.

It's a good all occasions.

It mixes well in the morning

With a nice citrus beverage.

Makes a good christmas drink

With neighbor dave and evil e.

The people say, well, what's--

You know, what's the big deal?"

And by people, I mean all you

Shitheads on my facebook page

That every time I say something

Anti-aa or pro-charlie sheen

Or anti dr. Drew--

"stanhope, I'm normally with you

On, you know, most of everything

You say, but you really--you're

Off the--off the mark on this.

Drug abuse is a really serious

Problem.

It's a serious issue.

So what's the problem if someone

Has to believe in a higher power

To get them through?"

That's not the problem!

The problem is when a medical

Professional who is on every

Goddamn night on the f***ing

News is telling you, you have a

Disease that's not a disease,

And he's telling you the cure is

A god that doesn't exist.

It's a big f***ing problem.

What's your problem?

What's your problem?

So what?

It's a problem.

It's a problem of the earth.

I got bladder cancer and you're

Applying leeches instead of

Doing research.

(laughter)

It's a huge problem.

I have comics that will call me

Up because of the economy, like,

"dude, how you doing on the

Road out there?

You getting beat up?

Like, how--"

You go like, I drink as much

As I ever drank, yeah.

I feel like sh*t physically, but

I'm not like--I'm not in agony

But I feel lethargic for years,

Or decade maybe.

It's just my piss stinks.

That's not normal.

I was in f***ing anchorage for a

Summer solstice at becker's

House, outside I'm pissing on a

Pine tree, and they're having a

Barbecue.

I'm like 20 yards away pissing

On a pine tree, and my buddy

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