Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #3

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Billy, bad fireman says, "dude,

Is that your piss?"

You could smell my piss?

He's like, "god damn it, what's

Wrong with you?"

I don't--I don't know.

I don't know.

My kidneys are f***ing

Defective?

I don't know.

Taking a leak on a tree in the

Great wilderness of alaska

Should not be a "who farted?"

Situation.

So maybe--yeah, maybe I'm

Getting beat up, like, my

Internal organs.

I sh*t.

I sh*t a lot during the day, but

I always--I mean like ten times,

But not a lot of product.

They're just like clumps, and

It comes out in a consistency.

If it's not just sheer liquid,

It's like thick mud.

Do you ever see history channel,

And you're watching like g.I.'s

In world war ii trying to push a

Jeep out of deep mud and it's

Just that like packed--it's like

Soft-serve ice cream.

It comes out like that, but not

A lot at a time.

It's just--it's almost like a--

And I don't know if my organs

Are just--I'm way too fat in the

Middle to--for as little as I

Eat.

I just--it's just in the middle

Part is always bloated, so I

Don't know if my organs from all

The drinking, or the liver and

Kidneys are swelling up and

Pushing against the

Gastrointestinal tract and

Making it hard for the sh*t to

Get--like sh*t has to push its

Way through like a--like an

Offensive line, a fourth and

One, it's just--so you gotta--

You don't have to get the whole

Football over the line, just get

A piece over the line and we--

Touchdown.

And then my friend the comic on

The other line will say, "no, I

Meant beat up like ticket sales.

How does--how is--like the

Economy is all in the rubbish

And--"

Oh, sorry about that whole

Soliloquy about my chewing-

Tobacco loads of dumps that I

Take.

Yeah, tickets are fine.

If you wanna feel bad for

Someone in a down-turned

Economy, I'll give you someone.

Prostitutes, because a

Prostitute doesn't have that

Same worst-case scenario b-plan

That we all enjoy.

No matter how shitty things are

Going for you on the job.

"danny, if they lay off any more

People, I'm gonna be out on the

Street sucking d*cks for a

Living.

I got nothing else.

I'm serious."

Hooker doesn't have that same

Safety net.

Hookers are already out there

Sucking d*cks.

Here is a hooker jugging a cock,

A f***ing sour-milk-smelling

Cock behind a dumpster right now

And she's staring up at your

Office building thinking, "they

Lay off any more people, more

People gonna be out here sucking

D*cks, it's gonna be a buyer's

Market.

More people out here sucking

D*cks.

I'm gonna have to start doing

Anal just to compete in the

Marketplace.

Woman my age shouldn't have to

Do anal.

I ain't built right for it no

More.

I gotta do exercises in the

Morning.

I do squat thrusts, trying to

Strengthen up my sh*t p*ssy in

Case this whole thing goes

Bust.

I'm doing ass kegels every

Morning.

You can't afford to get all

Loosey-goosey down in your ass

P*ssy, not in this economy.

If you get baggy in your sh*t

P*ssy, you'd be tonguing ass for

A living.

That ain't proper work for no

Human being.

If you tongue ass, you gotta get

Up early, sugar.

Set your alarm clock and get

Down to construction site before

The boys in the orange vests

Show up and wait for them.

Take all the toilet paper out,

Wait for them to take that

Gravely good morning and

Starbucks sh*t.

You hear them scratching around

On the fiberglass.

You go, 'there ain't no toilet

Paper in there, sugarplum, but

I'll clean you out real good for

25 dollars.'

That ain't no way for a

Human being to make a living.

You call that getting the blood

Diamond.

Get in here and get the blood

Diamond.

Where amnesty international

Now?

If you do anal, you gotta watch

Your diet.

Can't--can't eat no more gummy

Bears, no more licorice whips.

Can't swallow your gum.

No more canned cheese.

Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get

Fiber in your diet.

You gotta keep regular,

Princess.

If you're gonna have regular

Clientele, you gotta be

Regular in your ass p*ssy.

You can't get baggy in your sh*t

P*ssy in a bad economy.

This whole motherfucking economy

Built on a house of cards.

First of all, you gotta get this

Sh*t, get that federal reserve

Back on a gold standard.

What the f*** is that?

We got government printing off

Fiat currency.

You're building a whole

Motherfucking house of cards.

It's a charade fiat currency.

The consumer gotta understand

That the currency only have as

Much value as the consumer

Have faith in the currency, you

Gotta back that sh*t up with

Precious metal, buttface.

F*** keynesian economic

Philosophy.

That's what I'm saying to you,

Angela.

F*** keynes and his philosophy.

Dig up that dead jew milton

Friedman.

He's a nobel peace prize winner,

Motherfucking economic major.

You dig up that dead jew.

Ask milton friedman, dead jew

Corpse, what he thinks about the

Current economic crisis, and he

Would tell you, 'you better

Strengthen up your sh*t p*ssy,

Baby, 'cause this whole economy

Is going down.'

Sometimes I carry a little baby

Carrot in my a**hole when I walk

The street, and I just suckle on

That motherf***er."

(laughter)

Don't you like how I made that

Urban hooker real smart at the

End?

She was a f***ing--she was

Saying sh*t I don't even

Understand.

I need a f***ing black cock.

I need a--is there a--is there

Any black cock in here?

Hey, can we do that when we edit

This out?

When we edit this, just like

Don't even use this audience,

Just smash cut to the, like a

Martin lawrence show audience,

It's just all-black people just

Laughing hysterically at me?

'cause that looks so much

Cooler, and people would be, "I

Don't know he was like--

I guess he's a big, like, urban

Act, this doug stanhope."

But I need a picture of a black

Cock, if you have a--if there's

Black cock in here and you want

A model after this show.

I mean--this is--wasn't even a

Bit when I first started asking.

It was a serious--

I need a picture of me with a

Fat black cock just slapped

Across my open mouth, sideways,

Like, ahhh.

Like a f***ing bratwurst,

A at packer tailgating--

Ahhh!

It doesn't have to be giant.

It's just sizeable.

It has to be photogenic

Veiny black cock.

Your face doesn't have to be in

It.

Just--we can crop that out.

Just me, ahhh.

I have a picture I keep in my

Wallet of my father's corpse.

My father died in 2001.

He was just a fat nice guy.

He died at 73.

He had colon cancer.

It had just f***ing tore him

Apart.

He was a fat nice guy.

He was always nice, and he made

Blueberry pancakes, and he

Didn't have opinions, he just

Smiled, and he's fat, and then,

He was down to like 78 pounds,

And I have a picture of me

Kissing him on the forehead,

Moments after he died.

I'm all full of f***ing tears.

And I keep that picture in my

Wallet to show people who show

Me baby pictures.

(laughter and applause)

"oh, you see.

Did you know I had a baby?

Look at this."

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