Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #4

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You go, "oh, you had a baby.

Well, this is--this is how that

Ends.

This is what--this is what you

Made.

That's what you made.

Did you consider that before you

Had that hubris to f***ing just

Create people without their

Consent?

Because that's gonna be your

Corpse one day, and that'll be

Your crying child not

Understanding why someone who's

Done nothing but be really nice

To people has to be f***ing

Raped to death with sh*t cancer

By nature like that, and then it

Will be your baby's corpse with

A gray death mask, and when you

Touch their cheeks, all the cold

Drool that's built up in their

Open mouth spills onto your

Hand.

Do you want a copy?"

And that's why--that's why I

Want the black cock photo to go

As a companion piece.

Ahhh.

Because I use the word "f*ggot"

Very liberally and I never

Attach sexuality to it.

It's just a fun word of

Weakness, and it's happy.

I love homosexuality.

I promote it.

You f*** and you don't leave

F***ing garbage on the earth

Because of it.

You know, f***ing nothing.

I don't have to look at pictures

Of the results.

Yeah, f***ing homosexuality.

I f***ing--I support

Wholeheartedly, and I use the

Word "n*gger" when n*gger's the

Appropriate word, like, or if

I'm just quoting mel gibson.

I'm not gonna say, "oh, and then

He said I hope you get raped by

A pack of n-words."

No, it's f***ing n*gger.

It's a sound you can make with

Your mouth and f***ing get over

It.

If you're offended by any word

In any language, it's probably

Because your parents were unfit

To raise a child.

They were too stupid.

They should have been neutered

Because all it is a sound you

Can make with your mouth that

You shouldn't be--it's not a

Weakness that you have

Naturally.

When you come out of that pink

Ugly hole onto this planet,

You're nothing but a gooey

Shrieking wrinkled ball of

Weakness.

That's all you are.

You're just weak.

You're nothing but weak, and

Your parents look at that, and

They think not weak enough.

We can make this thing even

Weaker by training it pavlovian

To react poorly to different

Sounds that you can make with

Your mouth.

We'll list them up.

This is the worst thing.

If anyone ever says this sound,

Blah la, la la la,

That's the worst thing they can

Call you, so make sure to recoil

And cry and be hurt and

Devastated and eat ice cream on

A couch for days and then write

A song about it.

You wouldn't do that otherwise.

You'd just be happier if your

Parents didn't f*** it up with

Their stupid--you'd just be a

Happier person.

I could just walk right up to

You and go, "hey, c*nt," and

You'd go, "no, I'm rebecca,

But I guess I have a face that

Looks like a lot of different

People.

What's your name?

Welcome to salt lake."

But your parents ruined that,

And that's a--I just need a

F***ing picture of the f***ing

Giant black cock and me just

Feasting on it with f***ing

Magic in my eyes.

Ahhh.

That way people get upset.

You know, if you say f*ggot, and

You say it's just a sound, but

You know what?

If you grew up with an

Alternative lifestyle like I

Did, and you were taunted on a

Schoolyard, and you go, "hang

On, sugarplum, look right here,

Just look at that picture.

You relaxed now?"

Ah...

See?

Can I just--

Because I don't care.

"n*gger" is just, yo, you think

That's--you're edgy to throw

That around, and you know, but

You don't--the history of

Hatred with that word, you go,

"hang on, look right here.

Look, do you know what black

Cock tastes like?

Then why don't you study your

Roots a little bit more like I

Did?

And in the meantime, back off."

Who is the f*ggot n*gger now,

Huh?

Who is the f*ggot n*gger now?

(crowd whistles and applauds)

Have you ever considered

Registering as a sex offender

Just so you have a legitimate

Excuse for why your friends

Can't bring their stupid

Children over to your house?

That's all it would take.

That's all it would take.

I never thought--oh wait, that's

So easy.

I'd just put myself on a web

Site somewhere.

And then your friend calls up,

"yeah, you're having a Monday

Night football party, sh*t,

Yeah, I wanna come.

I got custody this week though.

You don't mind if I bring jimmy

Junior and the baby, do you?"

You go, "oh, yeah, jim, I'd love

To see the kids.

You know they're a treasure at

Every party, but, uh, I had an

Incident years back, and now I'm

On a watchdog site, so why don't

You just leave those kids locked

In a hot car and you bring beer

Like anyone else would do at a

Party?"

Who thinks that's okay?

"plus I'm a huge saints fan, and

I might f*** the sh*t out of

Your kids if they're ahead at

Half-time because I'm real

Superstitious, so, yeah, you

Bring cold beer like anyone else

Would do."

Because we moved to a small town

In arizona.

We live in a town--bisbee,

Arizona.

It's a beautiful little town,

6,000 people on the mexican

Border.

It's far away from anything

And anyone, but you have to,

Like, be polite to people.

It's not like here, "f*** you

Faggots," and I run out the

Backdoor, and I don't come back

For two years and--

And people do, they'll just

Bring their children to a party.

They don't even ask.

Like who would think that's okay

To bring kids?

It's like you've invited me to

Your wedding, and I go, "just

Brought chickens with me.

I got a pen full of chickens.

I won't even ask.

I'll just bring them and assume

That's okay.

"I brought my chickens.

Yeah, congratulations.

Yeah, they squawk and peck and--

But they won't hurt anyone

They'll just f***ing bring this

Whole shindig down."

So you try to be polite,

Passive-aggressive, "oh yeah,

You you might not wanna bring

Your kids to this party.

There' a lot of my comic friends

Are gonna be here.

It gets out of control.

And then they'd think you're

Worried about their kids.

No, I'm worried about my party,

A**hole.

"oh, come on, don't worry about

The kids.

They've heard every word in the

Book."

Yeah, except for f*** off, they

Haven't heard those words often

Enough 'cause it's a party, man.

"put them in a corner, they'll

Entertain themselves."

Yeah, while they irritate

Everybody else.

It's partying.

My friends are doing f***ing

Rails of prescription drugs

They've chopped up, crush a

Giant line of adderall, and they

Snort it off a coffee table and

Get to the end, and then your

F***ing pie-faced kids playing

With a goddamn choo-choo train.

"ah!

Oh! Ah!

I wanna go home."

It's a buzz kill.

It's horrific.

That's the only drugs to do in

Bisbee.

It's kind of a dry town.

Drugs come through bisbee,

That's what's f***ed up.

We're on the mexican border

Where they have border patrol,

National guard, minutemen,

Militias, trying to stop the

Flow of aliens and drugs coming

Through, but all those drugs are

Coming through, they don't stop.

I'd lived there six years.

It's the driest place I've ever

Seen.

So I can--there's no weed if

You--I don't smoke it,

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