Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #5

---

Occasionally, but there's blow

That's torn apart and stepped

On.

It's like a 3-2-blow.

Hey, little local, gotcha, huh?

A little local gotcha.

Hey, I'm so clever.

Here's a big night in bisbee.

Sometimes I'll take two xanax

And two laxatives at bedtime,

And I'll play chicken in my

Sleep.

That's a thrill ride.

That's a hometown thrill ride

Because it's kind of like three

Highs at once, because it starts

Out as a downer, turns into

Gambling...

Wakes up as a huge amphetamine,

Like, "oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

You do that on the road, it's

Not really a risk 'cause that's

Not really your bed.

But you do that at the house in

Your own tempur-pedic, you wake

Up with a jolt.

"ah, oh, oh, oh, oh."

Won again, I won again.

Double or nothing?

Sometimes in bisbee, I'll take

Two xanax and two laxatives, and

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll take two ex-lax, two xanax,

Play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'm just trying to point out to

You how lazy songwriters are.

You overrated, do-nothing,

Over-celebrated, lazy

Motherf***er.

You have three minutes to fill a

Song, and you sing the same sh*t

Over and over and over.

I have to do an hour and 10

Minutes up here, every word has

To be different.

They all have to go in one

Direction.

They can't be open to

Interpretation because they

Don't make sense, and they're

Kooky.

Yes, and I get dick, you get

F***ing grammy awards, and

Accolades, and p*ssy, and I

Get--I get a hot shot of

Jagermeister for my trouble.

You got three minutes.

Yes, sally has to slow the

Mustang down, I understand that.

What's the rest of the story?

You already said it once.

It's a chorus.

No, it's sloth.

Write a f***ing song.

I've--I've grown such a palpable

Distaste or distrust of artists.

Artists--and keep in mind, when

I say I don't like artists,

Remember I--anything that I

Don't understand or can't do is

Stupid...

(audience cheers)

Whatever it is.

Roller skating, faggy, it's

Because I can't barely stand up

On shoes, much less skates.

Yeah, everything--so art is

Stupid to me anyway 'cause I

Don't--but artists, we--we

Live in an artist community.

I've found that artists can

Generally be as self-righteous

And humorless and intolerant as

Even the f***ing religious

Right.

They can be a huge bucket of

C*nts.

They're f***ing awful--

"no, that's not-- "

And that's why we moved to

Bisbee, it's an artist

Community.

I had to get the f*** out of

L.A.

I have been to this town a bunch

Of times.

It's a cool beautiful little

Town, and I'd go, "oh, and it's

An artist community."

I'm an impulse buy kind of guy,

"so alright, let's just go," and

We moved there, like yeah,

Bought a house, no turning back.

It turns out my art doesn't

Really fit in the whole cog and

Gears of an artist community.

I don't--I'm an artist, too, and

It'll be fun, and we'll live

With other kind of artsy--

"no, not you."

If you can imagine an arts

Fair, and then imagine my booth.

So--so it doesn't--doesn't

Really kind of mesh, and you try

To like "oh, you're an artist

Too?

I just moved into town.

What--what kind of art?

Oh, you make turquoise belt

Buckles.

Oh, I'm an artist as well.

Maybe we can hang out.

Right now I'm working on a piece

About how a lot of the corpses

From that japanese tsunami that

Got swept out to sea when they

Washed up days and weeks later,

They kind of looked korean,

Which is weird because that's

Basically the major difference

Between, and I think that asian

Women are the most beautiful

Women on the planet.

Pound for pound, per capita,

Asian women are the most

Beautiful, except for the ugly

Ones, they're just--

Oh, but they are more pretty per

Person, and that--and that's the

Major difference between the

Japanese and the korean is that

The japanese have more of an

Angular feature where the korean

Has a more like a swollen boxy

Bucket head like it's soaked in

Saltwater for a long time, but

Still beautiful, beautiful

Nonetheless.

I think they're--and I'm not

Sexualizing them either.

When I say that asian women are

Beautiful, it's not a sexual

Thing.

I'm not being degrading.

I find them sexually repulsive

Because I--I don't like that

Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha.

Have you ever seen japanese

Sh*t porn where they,

Ah-ha-ha-ha?

You know, the picture with the

Girl upside down in the tub

With the geyser of sh*t coming

Out.

I don't know.

I don't know how much time you

Spend on the internet.

Not trying to be an internet

Snob.

Don't like them.

I'll f***ing occasionally find a

Picture like that and send it

Out on the f***ing news feeds,

On the twitters, and all that,

And then people will go, "that's

Like 2005."

You go, it's the f***ing

Internet, f*ggot.

It's like 8 billion channels.

Don't act like it's 1983, and I

Just found "mork & mindy."

Alright?

Yeah, it's f***ing the internet.

But yeah, the asian women, not

Sexualizing them, they're gross.

I like more of a german

Dominatrix-y, like mean--you

F***ing tongue out my f***ing

Unwashed ass, you f***ing fat

F*ggot, not ha-ha-ha.

I'm not degrading japanese women

By it.

I'm not sexualizing them.

I'm saying they have gungy

C*nts, too.

That's another thing.

If you look like--

High-definition ruined a lot of

Things that I used to hold

Sacrosanct in pornography, and a

Japanese vagina is one of them

Because, yeah, with that kind

Of clarity, it's a--it tends to

Be like jaundiced around the

Edges.

You know how overweight people's

Inner thighs get when they rub

Together, they become

Discolored.

A japanese vagina is a really

Gungy looking, and the hair--

It's not a--you know, not too

Much hair, but the hair that's

There is always matted.

When you have the perfect

Porcelain skin of a china doll,

That's no place for the random

Black wiry ass hair of a rodent.

It's just--it just sticks out

Like a bed spring.

So I'm not sexualizing them.

I'm saying they're beautiful as

People like art.

They're beautiful like art.

And I'm working on an art piece

About how maybe that's how the

Korean culture started is

Japanese people swimming away

From an evil emperor across the

Sea of japan and then drowning

Right close to the shores of

Korea and then becoming korea,

Which doesn't make sense because

Dead people can't procreate, but

That's why I'm talking to you as

An artist, maybe we can help

Each other.

I'll talk to you about your belt

Buckles, throw in--spitball

Some ideas, maybe put a third

Piece of turquoise on the belt

Buckle, make it a triangle.

It'll kind of look like the

State of texas.

You could probably sell more in

This area, and you might say to

Me, "hey, tone down on the gungy

C*nts of the jap--japaniards,"

And together we could become

Better artists, but instead of

That, they just stare at me

Blankly and never call back.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes