Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #6

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(laughter and applause)

So it's--it's--

It's a trying place, the artist

Community, but we have a big

Fence.

Again, I am gonna put that in

There for later for continuity

Reasons.

Artists who say that they're

Artists are usually people who

Need a job.

Like if you ask, what do you do?

And they say, "I'm an artist,"

Rather than just say what the

F*** they do, it's because they

Do an art no one really wants to

See, and it's kind of a--it's a

Sh*t bag trick because it forces

You to act like you're

Interested.

If I say, what do you do?

It's because I'm in a pinch, I

Have nothing else to say.

What do you do?

Now you say I'm an artist which

Forces me, puts the onus on me

To act like I'm interested in

Art by saying, "oh really?

What type of art?"

Which is invariably something no

One wants to see.

Oh I'm a playwright.

Oh yeah, that needs to be done

Over and over again.

You know we have movies now.

They took the place of plays.

They're not two separate things.

We've made movies 'cause plays

Suck and we could make movies

All of a sudden, 'cause a play

Is an awkward thing to watch.

Have you ever seen a play?

Is there anything more

Embarrassing and f***ing filthy

To sit through?

I don't like any form of live

Entertainment where there is a

Fourth wall, where you pay $150

For a front row broadway

Tickets, and I have some a**hole

Who pretends you're not here,

While I pretend to drive a

Motorboat or I fence with a guy.

That's rude.

whoo!

I'm-- "we're belly dancers."

Oh, good.

Yeah, well, how does that work

Again, the belly dancing?

Oh, when we took titty dancing,

Removed all the fun and

Sexuality, and replaced it with

Jangly clangy things that scare

The sh*t out of your dogs.

We're belly dancers."

No, you're fat girls.

Put on a robe, alright?

Come on.

I don't have anything near a

6-pack myself, but I'm not gonna

Throw wind chimes on a beer gut

And call it free expression.

Artist communities love to

Bullshit each other and

Glad-hand one another, and

There's no room for the f***ing

Crippling honesty of comedy.

"I'm a painter."

Well, you don't probably need to

Do that.

At some point, yeah, you had to

Paint to--yeah, cavemen did

That because they didn't have a

Word for a f***ing "arrow" and

"deer."

If you're painting something

That doesn't exist, I understand

That.

I can appreciate, like, salvador

Dali sh*t, like melting

Clocks.

I'm a tripper.

I don't see melting clocks a

Lot.

That's something I can stare at.

But if you're painting--oh it's

A barnyard seen in autumn.

Well, then just take a picture

Of a barn in autumn.

It's way better than a

Painting.

"well, you just don't appreciate

It because you're shallow."

You have to look at all the

Detail that the artist put into

Every tiny brushstroke.

Well, look at the detail in 9

Billion megapixels on a f***ing

Camera.

Someone worked their ass off to

Make that f***ing computer chip,

Some woman in hong kong with a

Diamond glass trying to put a

Chip together with all those

Megapixels, she's as much of an

Artist as you.

She doesn't get a gallery

Showing every Friday and get to

Grow out her armpit hair without

Explanation.

What about her?

What about her?

(audience cheers and applauds)

I really don't like art with a

Message unless the message is

Crystal clear.

It doesn't--if you have a

Message that really needs to be

Said, just f***ing say it.

Don't hide it in indecipherable

Lyrics, f***ing sculpture.

It's a play, and there's

Subtext.

F***ing say it 'cause the people

Who need to hear messages are

Dumb as sh*t.

The masses of humanity are dumb

As sh*t, and you're really just

Pandering to your friends.

Say what the f*** you mean.

Just say it, title the song,

Eat more leafy greens.

Yeah, give a hoot, don't

Pollute.

It's as much message in art

Combined 'cause I get that.

It's a poem, but I'm pretty sure

You're saying don't pollute.

But if you have something--

"ooh I have the cure for cancer,

And I have hidden it in this

Rubik's cube."

Just f***ing say it.

Art with a message.

'cause I don't care anymore.

Like I used to have some type of

Social relevance in my act, and

There was a point where I--I

Really gave a sh*t about stuff

To a--to a point where it was

Ruining my life.

And I guess like 10 years ago I

Thought well, yeah, you know,

I'm gonna - I'm gonna change the

World.

I'm gonna talk about stuff.

In 20 years of comedy, I've

Probably had a dozen good points

That I reflect on and go,

That was actually a really

F***ing good piece, and it

Really--it had a point that

Made sense, but the whole

Changing the world thing never

Really kicked in.

The revolution I was starting

Where I thought I could yell at

200 people in a bar every night

And change the world, yeah, it

Didn't--didn't quite happen,

Like egypt and syria.

Yeah.

And it's--it's frustrating,

Because you do a bit, and then

You'd go, "oh, that's f***ing

Really good, and then it just--

The problem is still there.

And someone will say, "oh,

Abortion's back in the news."

And you go, "why?

I already solved that on a 2004

Release.

How can it possibly still exist?

I've yelled at thousands of

Drunk people about that.

Maybe I'll rewrite it and

Repackage it."

It gets frustrating as sh*t

Where you're like I don't care.

F*** it.

F*** everyone.

It's just frustrating as if you

Live in a world full of starving

People where occasionally you

Could point out food that no one

Else seemed to notice, for a

Living, where you go on stage

And you'd go, "did you ever

Notice there's a plate of

Nachos right over there?"

And people would go, "oh, he's

So right, there is a plate of

Nachos.

I never noticed that."

But instead of eating them,

They shove them up their noses

And a**holes for entertainment

Value and get no nutrition out

Of it even though they're

F***ing starving to death.

And it's not just the audience

Or the world, even my own social

Circle, people who f***ing--

"doug, you know, what you said

About gay marriage, that was

Right on the money.

Marriage itself is an antiquated

Institution.

It has no place in a progressive

Society.

It has nothing that anyone needs

To do.

I'm still getting married on

Saturday though 'cause janice

Doesn't really--yeah, she

Doesn't get your act.

She doesn't think you're funny,

So we're getting married, but

It's a really good point though.

And what you said--that one

Thing you said, overpopulation.

You're right, doug.

You're not really funny anymore,

But you're right.

What you said about

Overpopulation, most of the

World's problems are based on

Overpopulation.

There's just too many god damn

People.

We're still gonna have the baby

'cause janice's biological clock

Is ticking, and plus we live in

A gated community.

It's not really overpopulation

If you're gonna afford to send

It to a montessori school is

My take, but it's right--

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