Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #7

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What you're doing is a good

Thing, and you should keep doing

It, and don't die on us.

What you said about drugs,

You're right on the money, doug.

Drugs, I never thought of it

Like that.

It's a private property issue.

All drugs should be legal 'cause

Your body is your own private

Property.

You own your own meat.

If you own nothing else in the

World, you own the f***ing meat

That's packing your bones.

Yeah, so all the drugs - yeah,

It doesn't matter what it is.

Drugs, to f***ing, just put a

Needle in your arm, tattoo

Yourself, pierce yourself,

F***ing eat cheese sandwiches,

Throw cheese sandwiches down

Your top hatch till you're so

Fat you have to pay for two

Seats on southwest airlines.

That's your prerogative 'cause

You own your own meat.

Do whatever you want to it.

Drink yourself silly.

You find something living

Rent free in your uterus, evict

That motherf***er.

This is private property.

There's no squatter's rights.

Pay rent or quit.

That's a good point, doug.

Drugs should be your own

Prerogative, whatever it is,

Huffing a gassy rag, that's

What you wanna do, except for

Heroin 'cause that's what killed

Hedberg.

That's what we really need the

Federal government to come in

And stop this, and I can't

Understand why I'm so f***ing

Thirsty all the time.

I'm--you're so right.

You're so right.

I just don't listen.

I just don't listen."

(audience cheers and applauds)

So I just don't give a sh*t

Anymore.

That's what I do for a living.

I try to write more fist-f***

Jokes and enjoy myself more.

It doesn't matter.

We ain't winning sh*t.

I got on--I get to a point

Where, like, my act was making

My entire life miserable where

It's just--and it's still not

Good, but it's--I just hate

Everything and f*** it, it's so

Dumb.

Doesn't anyone see how dumb this

Is?

Like some people go, "isn't

The world a crazy place?"

And they're fine with that.

And I'm like, "this is f***ed

Up.

This is really f***ed up.

We're like dark ages people, and

I'm not even smart.

And that's the most terrifying

Part when you realize I'm not

Even a bright person, but I'm

Still probably in the top 3%

Of the smartest people on this

Planet, and I'm pretty

F***ing dumb.

And you go, "how alone are we?"

And then you go, "I don't give

A sh*t."

At one point, you go, "44."

I'm way closer to dead than I

Am life of the party, and I

Don't have children, so why am I

Getting so enraged about all

This nonsense?

I don't care.

I don't care getting all upset

About the f***ing planet.

I'm gone pretty soon.

I left no litter behind.

That's your problem.

I'm treating this planet like

The f***ing rental car that it

Is, and I'm turning it in

Trashed with a bumper hanging

Off, f*** your insurance, f***

The environment, I didn't ask to

Be here.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Someone created me.

Yes, I know that's a selfish

Thing.

It's a selfish thing.

But you know what?

I've cared about other stuff,

And, yeah, me not caring about

Stuff, well, affect it as much

As me caring about stuff, which

Is none.

I just wanna close strong.

I wanna--I wanna have a great

Closer.

As a comic, I want to have a

Great closing bit.

I want to have a great closing

Bit for my career.

Once I find that bit, I can stop

Yelling about stuff and slink

Off.

I don't care if I have to

F***ing whatever for a living.

we love you anyway.

who do we got to kill?

who do you have to kill?

No.

The closer, the closing bit--

Last year at sea world, a killer

Whale leapt out of the tank

And grabbed its trainer by the

Head and pulled her underwater,

And ate her at the end of a live

Performance.

I don't know that it was the

Scheduled end of the show,

But on that night they decided

To close on it.

It leapt up, grabbed her

Ponytail, pulled her underwater,

And chewed on her for quite some

Time.

'cause it's a f***ing killer

Whale.

You can't give it the hook like

It's vaudeville, like,

na na na na-na wa

No.

They had to let it go.

And I read that story with such

Palpable envy 'cause that's

Everything I want to bring to

Stage.

That story--like, if I could

Find some parallel closing bit,

I would never do comedy again

'cause that's everything I wanna

Present to an audience is it's

Inherently hilarious, but it's

Got a sense of horror, and it's

Just a horrifying--but it -

There's an unmistakable message

And justice within because

First of all, you're not a

Killer whale trainer.

You didn't call yourself and

Dress up in the spandex like a

Killer whale.

You're not a killer whale

Trainer because from my limited

Knowledge of marine biology,

Killer whales come out

Previously trained.

They're already perfect killer

Whales unless you're trying to

Train them to do backflips for

F***ing sardines and to dance on

Their tails which they don't do

Naturally.

You're training them to be

F***ing circus monkeys and--by

Withholding a food source.

You're not a trainer.

You're a f***-with-er.

You f*** with killer whales.

That's what you do.

You take away their food until

They do unnatural acts and then

You call yourself a--

You can say, "oh, no, she did a

Lot of hard work, and the

Research they did because of the

Sea world.

She could follow their mating

Habits and help them proliferate

In the wild when they're a

Dwindling species," and you go,

"yeah, you could do that

Regardless without making them

Dance on their tails 'cause

They're starving for a f***ing

Fish.

You could've done it without

F***ing with them.

So don't tell me they did a lot

Of good work 'cause you could

Have done that without the--f***

With them.

That's like if I went to somalia

Right now, worst drought in 60

Years, I picked up a dozen kids

That were starving to death and

Brought them over here to help

Them.

But first, I paraded them out on

Stage for a matinee show and

Drug a wiener on a string till

They jumped through a series of

Burning hoops, and then at the

End I made them present and

Stand and jump on their tippy

Toes to get the hotdog, and

They go-- ta-da

You wouldn't call me a trainer.

You'd call me an a**hole, and

You would clap and applaud

Wildly when they turned on me

And ate my head in front of the

F***ing sold-out show.

(audience cheers and applauds)

And that's everything I'm

Jealous of.

When I find that in the closing

Bit 'cause that's a serious

Closer.

That's a closer because anyone

Who was at that live performance

Will never be able to enjoy live

Entertainment again.

Nothing will ever top what they

Saw, and no one can ever top

Their story.

I was at monterey when f***ing

Hendrix lit his guitar on fire,

And he was on acid, and I was on

Acid, and everyone was on acid,

And ahh!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I was at--

(chuckles)

I was at sea world.

I was at sea world last February

Where I watched a killer whale

Chew on its trainer's head in

Front of a glass, in front of

Screaming children with their

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