Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2004
- 95 min
- 188 Views
1
Doug Stanhope. "Deadbeat hero", 2004.
Liberty
1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control
b.The right and power to act, believe,
or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing
The condition of being physically and legally
free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.
Thanks.
Do you work hard all week?
Don't do that.
Don't drink on weekends, you don't.
People come up Friday, Saturday... Don't drink.
If you gotta feel like sh*t tomorrow,
If you gonna you'll feel like sh*t,
do it on the company done.
What do you gonna on Monday morning,
when you need to be wide awake and alert for?
"Well, I deliver Pepsi products".
Well do it with a hangover.
F*** them, drink on the job.
F***ing waste your nice weekend?
You'd be doing some good for youself.
I'm only drinking tonight just to keep up
my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??]
It's just token, you know?
Whatever, don't do sh*t you hate, people.
Work jobs they hate.
There's another way.
Whatever it is you do...
F***in' quit.
Go on Monday and steal a bunch of sh*t, and quit.
If you don't absolutely love it,
if you wouldn't do it for free...
And steal big sh*t too.
Don't grab some stationary and paperclips,
just to make a statement.
Grab some big cash registers
and computer monitors, and get out f*** out.
People talk to you, they try to convince you
that they like what they do,
just cause it sucks less than what
they've used to do that sucked along.
They'll try to convince like it's gonna
"I love my job". They regurgitate you that
guidance counsellor taught them in high school
that guided them into the shitty job they begin with.
And they regurgitate it all that red[??].
They say "I like my job at Banana Republic."
"Because I get to work with people..."
Work with people?
You stack pants, for f***'s sake!
People you meet say "I'm just looking"
and they try to get away from you.
Work with people...
Go to whore or something.
I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis.
Which is nothing out of the ordinary.
People will leave this.
I go on stage it's like I'm leading you into battle:
You not all are gonna be here at the end.
Just try not to take it too seriously.
Eventually I'm gonna hate the subject
and you're gonna be queer about.
Don't. Just wait for the next joke.
Go take a piss, whatever you have to do.
Don't get all upset.
I am probably wrong about half the sh*t I say.
You could find me to be an hypocrite about...
I will call you stupid for not knowing
sh*t that I just found out yesterday.
"You f***ing people don't pick-up? You don't read
conspiracytheory.com, you f***ing losers?
I read that yesterday, I'm smart."
I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis.
And again, it wasn't because...
It wasn't something I said.
Some people just show up places to complain.
That's their form of entertainment.
Is complaining.
They just can't wait to b*tch.
And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??]
with the manager in the lobby because I'm drunk.
That's their reason. They're just:
"He's just drunk up there! We didn't pay to see this!"
"Look at him, he's obviously drunk.
He's just drunk, he's that."
I'm not driving a bus motherf***er, what do you care?
I'm a comic.
I'm saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth.
It's not like I'm curled up, fiddled[??],
I sh*t my pants, I...
It's not like I'm a spectacle.
I'm a comic.
What do you give a f***?
It's like the steroids in baseball.
What do you give a sh*t?
You just pay to watch balls fly
over your head, like a retard.
You care what makes it go out.
It's like going to a titty bar and
complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist.
So what?
The tits are out.
What did you pay to see?
What is your problem?
Who are you people?
Alcohol doesn't get credit where credit is do.
And it's not the best drug.
It's not even in the top five.
But it's the easyest one to get.
And we are a fat lazy country of convenients.
And alcohol is a very convenient drug.
If this was an ecstasy bar
I would come in and order a large...
I'd be drinking an Evian right now, right?
But it ain't that easy to get.
And at the same time, if drinking require that
I had to sit in a f***ing Dennis park in 2.00
in the middle of the night,
waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail,
and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack...
A lazy f***, that's what I am.
But has got benefits that doesn't get the credit.
You can you find every statistic and number
and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party.
But the benefits...
For a while airline flight attendants were trying
a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes.
Cause they say, "91% of all cases of all
air rage incidents are alcohol related."
Okay. Fine.
How much air rage is averted because of alcohol?
How many times was someone just about to choke out
that sky c*nt that should have been replaced
That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are
full of that hero syndrome in their head.
They think that they'e the last line to defense
to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester.
Maybe someone gets on the plane, and
it's just being fingerfucked way too many times
trying to get from point A to point B,
and waiting in lines, and screened, and searches
it's everything but looking in your ass, that's the
only difference beetween that and a prison search...
And he goes through that,
he gets through the front gate and they go:
"We accidentally oversold this flight"
"We are looking for volunteers who will sit another night
in Memphis, cause we goofed and oversold the flight."
If I had a used car,
and I sold it to three different people,
and I took cash, they all show
in the same day to pick it up...
"I'm looking for two volunteers who'll wait till I...
I accidentaly oversold this piece of sh*t Dodge Omni, I'm..."
You f***in' kick me in the balls,
I would be doing jail time for fraud.
Maybe someone goes through all that.
And he's about to tear up the learings[??] to the pigs that
tells him to sit up straight there and take-off,
cause he's had enough, but no.
He has a few some Vodka Collins first and
chills out just enough to let her live one more day.
How many times has alcohol been the hero?
How many highway fatalities have been
caused because of the .08DY law?
Well, everyone is so paranoid now.
That one f***ing dick neck like you
has two light beers at a happy hour...
But you're so paranoid cause of the DY law...
You're driving home, you're not even looking at the road.
You just staring in the rearview mirror, looking for cops.
You don't even notice you hit
a kid on a bike in a crosswalk.
You can't find the numbers on sh*t like that, right?
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