Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #2

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I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk,

looking for cops, you should blame the cops.

It's only two types of people who are against drugs.

There's people who've never done drugs.

And people who really sucked at doing drugs.

And everyone else has to suffer.

That's why the whole medicinal marijuana thing.

I mean had done some benefits for them but...

First of all, I'm not a pot smoker.

I've tried it, gave a plenty of opportunities.

It didn't work for me.

If it'll works for you, have had it.

But just to argument where,

it's a pro-drug argument...

But the fact that they have to say:

"This is just about medicine."

No, if couldn't have a pro-drug argument,

start the argument where it starts:

"It's my f***ing business. F*** off."

I mean, you don't put that on the sign,

you gotta use tactic stuff that I don't have.

That's why I'm not in charge of any of those things.

But they have to do it.

The reason it boils down to old f***'s vote.

And that's the problem with this country:

old fucks vote and we don't.

We have sh*t to do.

Old fucks have nothing to do but judge you and vote.

They don't have to work at UPS on Super Tuesday.

They have nothing to do,

hang around the polls, judge you, and vote.

They're bitter:
"Why's he smiling? There's must

be something wrong with him, vote NO.

Whatever is he's doing. He's smiling."

We don't vote. We got sh*t to do.

Right?

And that's why they have to put the argument

in the old people context.

Don't worry, old people are gonna...

Baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves.

And it's a good thing. I know a lot of them are parents,

but sorry, you gotta go. Sorry, goodbye.

Yeah. Your day's over and there's

new sh*t that you won't accept.

Because you... People do that...

Old people, they look back at the old days,

and it was good because they were young.

But they act like that was the Day.

No it was cause youth is good.

That's gone. You're f***ed.

It's not the Day,

and then they reject anything that's new.

It's like we do with f***ing hip-hop

if you're in your thirty.

"F*** that, that ain't music.

We had music, back when 38 Special was around".

F***ing kill ourselvelves for the hypocrisy, right?

But that's why they use

the medicinal marijuana argument.

Cause that... If you put in a medical context then all

old people are all sympathy and heart straight, you know.

"Oh, we don't want to get high.

This is really just about Jimmy with glaucoma."

"Bring out milky-eye Jim, he gets the old people."

And all people see the milky-eyes and they go:

"My friend Fred from Normandy had milky-eyes

the last time I saw him and..."

...Vote YES!". Right?

It's a bullshit argument, but you waste too much time.

Start the argument where it starts.

"I have the right to do

whatever the hell I want to my own body."

"And if it kills me slowly, happy for me.

F*** you, clack-clack, stop me."

Start the argument. Cause you're wasting my time.

You're gonna spend 25 years, so milky-eye Jim can get

government substed eyes, a bong head of some dirt weed...

I want to buy mushrooms at Wallmart tomorrow.

Let's f***ing just fight this one out.

All illegal narcotics - Are medicinal.

Boredom - Is a disease worse than cancer.

Drugs cure it.

With a little unknown[??]

bad side effects if used as directed.

Life's temporary, for a reason.

It gets boring after a while. It does.

It's like a good sitcom. Lasts so many seasons,

and then you got nothing else to do, no more ideas,

so they head a f***ing alien or an adopted kid, and it's

off the air, and you go: "Thank God it's over."

Cause life gets boring the sh*t.

I'm 37 and I'm already bored.

I've had a weird life.

I've done some crazy sh*t but

I did it too quick and I get no more ideas.

My imagination can't keep up with...

I'm f***ing bored out of my tit.

Invent new drugs.

That's what you should be doing.

Don't fight the old ones.

Fight to get new weirder ones or

something weirder establishments to do all men in.

And more holes. That's what you ladies need. More holes.

That would help up. That would pork me up.

A new and an exciting hole.

Now all right there wing, they're all against the cloning,

cause they're afraid of the mutations.

"Well, science is an advance.

All the mutations we could have..."

Maybe the mutations is where we find the answer?

Maybe I accidentally spit out a littel girl

baby that's has got 44/90 holes all over her body.

These big, flappy, ugly, holes.

And you go "Ah, now a long-term

commitment is a viable option."

Where's the dowry?

I want that one for neverlasting.

"Why do you always try to f*** me

in the shoulder hole? Why do you do that?"

"Cause you won't let me f*** your shoulder hole!"

"Why can't you just make love to my chest cavity,

like when we first met?"

"You were all sweet all the time."

"Well, just let me put the head in it".

"It's worse, stop it! I think you're gay."

Mutations are exciting.

There's not nearly enough with them.

They try to fix them...

Did you see that two-headed baby they killed last month,

while they tried to cut it apart?

This is hilarious, you know what I'm talking about?

There was two-headed, this...

There've been four in the last year, all in Central America.

I don't know what they put in the water,

but I am going down there cause...

But there were like four in a year,

and they tried to separate them all, I think one survived.

One out of four they're good for,

which still keeps in the majors but...

But the other ones I understood why they cutted aprt,

cause the other ones with the regular side-by side

siamese twins. We've all seen that.

So yeah, sure. Lop one of them up.

It's detached disturb. Sure, cut them apart.

It's a heck oddity.

It's like having a bearded lady baby.

Ok, we've seen it. Shave it, go ahead.

But this one was... This one was special...

Anyone know what the f*** I'm talking about?

There had a second head growning up

at the top of the bottom head.

Like a totem pole.

A townhouse-head baby.

A condom.

And that's unprecedented.

Keep that one around, douchebag.

Do not try to scissor that one apart,

I want to see that one grow.

I'll get the Guinness Book World Records again

to see this one as a full grown little lady.

Come on!

They had to cut it off.

And this is why I understood cause...

They had to try to take to top...

Well, I mean, obviously.

You can't cut the bottom on half

and move the top one down...

But they said that they had to move...

They took off the top head

because it was a head on underdeveloped brain.

Had little formed eyes, lips, but had underdeveloped brain.

You can't do that to the low baby without its consent, right?

I mean I have friends who work with

developed mentally disabled people.

On their own free will. And it's some really ambitious thing.

You gotta have a lot of heart to do that.

But you can't just stick a kid with a retard

there close to you all life,

just trying to go trough your days...

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