Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #3

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Just trying to read your Nancy Drew misteries

and it's up there going "[moaning]".

"Mum, I'm trying to read! Throwing[??] Cheerios on me, mum!"

"Stop it!"

You can't do that.

But I'm telling you...

This club has some of the hottest waitresses

you'll see in any club around here.

And just let me tell you this...

Let me tell you this. If I was upstairs in the bar and all of

these waitress were sitting along the bar, bold ass naked...

And a full grown two-headed girl baby

walked into the bar for a cocktail,

I would turn away from the naked girls

and go straight to her like a bug light.

Because that would be interesting.

F*** you. Yes, I'm sick f*** you wouldn't f***.

If a two-headed girl baby came into the bar,

and you're all alone sitting out there,

couldn't tell me you wouldn't at least

get a [??] in the toilet, [??]

Just to tell your friends you've

finally had that menage trois.

They were twins, that's all I'm saying. They were twins.

F***ing sisters.

Not the retarded one, I'd mouthfucked the low-headed baby.

You guys...

And you'd have to do in that 69 position, with you on top.

So there were your balls in mo[??]

of the mouth of the rubber-head.

Cause you can't come when... [moaning]

You're trying to concentrate... [moaning]

"I want to swing, sad man!" Right?

So you'd have to have the balls laying over.

Least you jizzed in that.

And you certaninly couldn't get it

in the orthodox kneeling position, cause

then rubber-head looked it up at your wall and...

"Guh! Hello!"

"Do you like my sister?"

No.

Of course I like your sister, look down!

That's what I need.

I need a 44 holes two-headed baby girl.

That's the only way I can come.

Do you know what's tempting me a lot lately?

The transvestites.

That's right!

F*** you. Judge not lest you be judged, my friend.

They're good now. Transvestites.

They build them from scratch now.

It's not like 25 years ago,

transvestites as some old dude

in a wig on a "Dunkin Donuts" commercial.

"Time to make the donuts!"

They're good!

You don't even have to pretend you got tricked anymore.

They got everything.

There got the breast implants, and they got the ass implants,

they got cheek implants, they got hair extensions,

they got all the electrolysis,

and collagen lips, and going up...

How much surgery do they need

before I'm not gay for doing it?

There's gonna be some line in the sand, that you draw.

I'm staring right at that here: topless in a G string,

and I'm going, "I know that you have a penis"

Even if she had a vagina, I'd still probably

tried to plun her in the ass anyway.

So what's the difference? What's the difference?

What do I lose?

I don't need any new friends, or respect from you.

That's why I... Hang on.

That's why I eat breakfast in a place in L.A.

It's called "Yukon Mining Company". It's a sh*t restaurant,

but it's got a smoking patio, it's outdoor

so I can actually smoke and eat

my breakfast at the same time.

Oh, what a free country we live in.

Hey, man! How's it going? I forget your name.

How you doing? Good to see you.

Anyway. Some guy I know. I can't remember.

So I eat breakfast there and...

Because...

Santa Monica boulevard -

That's where all the transvestites hang out in L.A..

You've seen transvestites, see plenty of...

I'm sure you drive passed to gay bar on

Saturday night and you see them all lined up,

dressed up like Judy Tenuta

or Diana Ross or something...

But you see the night time dolled up transvestites.

Ready to lip-synk Billy Ocean song

or some whatever they do or...

You don't see the breakfast transvestites.

A breakfast transvestite,

that's the one that will queer you away

from the night time transvenstite.

Cause when you see them shuffling in there,

8.30 in the morning,

and they don't have a wig on anymore,

the makeup is all smudgeded,

5.00 shadows [??] through...

They still got really nice tits.

But the dick is flopping around

in sweat pants with no underwear,

and you go "Man, thank God I didn't

have that last shot of Jgermaister."

"This could had been an awkward goodbye."

Did you see the Mississipi dildo bust yesterday?

Again, as one person... Was out CNN.

Three states of...

It's a part of the whole FCC indecency

crack down they're having.

And now three states are enforcing "antidildo laws",

I do not know what they call them.

But "antidildo"... pretty much guess the point.

It was on CNN. Footage of big, fat, pig cop

walking out with f***ing garbage

bags and d*ldos. Smiling, cause

he has finally put his foot down.

And then head pig dildo is talking about how

"It's to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens".

Yes, the physical...

"What if one of these double dongs had got

into the hand of a child, what happens then?"

"You don't want to see the child that

has tried use this implement of Satan into it."

"This could put your anus inside out like a elephant's trunk."

Do you want to see our children walking down the street,

holding their lunchboxes in one hand, and

the trunkhated rectum in the other, like a bleeding sea snake?"

F***ing sad.

I'm not picking out cops.

For the most part cops are just doing their job.

I had to do a benefit show,

and I make jokes about cops cause

they're an easy target for a joke.

But I had to do a benefit show

for families of fallen police officers.

I mean, it's something that makes you think.

Cause you do f*** with them but

it makes you realize they do risk their lives

every day against sh*t on all around.

If you're a cop, and you sitting in here,

I'll buy you next drink, seriously.

Are you a cop?

You're in training?

This is sweet.

Cause I'm lying.

No, I'm making all this sit up.

This is a sting operation.

Here's your training right here.

You know how the cops do you when you got

a warn if forgot to pay a traffic ticket?

So they send you a thing

"Hey you, want a free TV?"

And you go "OO-OO, I'm a winner", and you run down there

with a thumb in your ass, "Hey, I'm a winner!"

And then they arrest you and make funny on the news?

This is a reverse thing.

I just wanted to see where you egomaniacs are sitting.

In case I wanna score drugs after the show, I know whom to avoid.

"I did a benefit for fallen police officers".

Yes, it was called the "Pigs in blankets" foundation.

I masturbated through the all event

with a pinwheel hat on right in front raw.

They don't risk their lives for you.

He's gonna risk his life, but he's...

Since when did risking your life become

something that people see as out the ordinary?

People risk their lives all the time,

every day, and they do it for fun.

They drink and drive, and they bungee-jump,

and they do crazy sh*t all the time.

It's not because you

f*** the last call whores without a condom, "OO-OO!!"

That ain't risking their life for the whore.

Right?

They don't risk their lives for you.

They risk their lives for the low-level

of celebrity involved in being a cop.

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