Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #4

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You risk it's all about the ego.

People wrestle alligators too, but never once

there's someone dying out without an audience.

All right? You see what I'm saying?

If I were a cop, I would be a angry

motherf***er right now, and I'll tell you why.

Because the "hero p*ssy" that motivated you into the force...

After 9/11 there was such an amazing glut of "hero p*ssy".

Cops couldn't walk out of their house.

You didn't have to be anywhere near New York city.

Cops all across. Their girls just see the uniform,

and they would stop, drop, and suck his dick.

"He's the hero! Get it girl! Hero! Get that hero dick!"

You couldn't walk out of your house without "hero p*ssy"

being vaulted at you out of a catapult.

Like rotten[??] octopus,

slapping in the face "Hero p*ssy!"

You'd have to carry a tennis racket.

Have you gone to tennis racket training yet?

You carry a tennis racket

to swat "hero p*ssy" to the ground,

so you can get to your call in time.

And that placated you for a while,

all the cops were happy for a while.

But then...

...the war started.

And the "hero p*ssy" market all shifted to the military.

"All the military guys are getting the hero p*ssy!"

And the cops... There still cops today, you can spot them in bars.

They'll carry pictures of the Twin Towers

around with them, trying to remind the dumb chicks.

"Remember me?"

"I'm on homeland defense yet."

"Yes, this could happen right here in Renton

if I wasn't very vigilant, hello?"

"Will you at least touch it?"

"Will your skunky friend watch me jerk? Something?"

"Who is your friend in the camouflage?"

"F*** this, I'm joining the fire department."

"This is bullshit!"

The troups...

You got to support the troups, right?

Wrong again.

You keep trying but...

I'm not saying "Don't support the troups", I'm saying

I support people on a individual basis.

I gotta meet the troup first.

If I meet the troup, he's a cool troup,

we drink, and he does turn into a dildo...

"Yeah, support him."

I'll support him no matter what he does.

I'll write his specific name on the Yellow Ribbon.

So they know he's just PFC James Campbell

or whatever his f***ing name is.

And then he can do whatever he wants.

He could awol, or drop bombs on his own guys

and Canadians or whatever.

I'll go "Hey, he's having a bad day,

I know that guy, I drunk with him, he's cool."

But some troups are d*ckheads.

Some troups are... You know them...

Some are f***ing a**holes.

I was down in Clint, Texas, by Fort Hood.

There was a troup down there in a bar.

And he wanted to hammer my head flat.

Cause I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer.

And he was f***ing... You know how they get

the f***ing four arms, swinging forward...

A f***ing monkey redneck.

F***ing "Oh, you wanna kick my ass?!"

I didn't support that troup there in the war, I did not.

That troup was a shithead, and I hoped he died first.

That's the only reason I watched that boring...

Yes, I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN,

on a choppy sad like fee, cause he's a f***ing a**hole.

He's not fighting for your freedom. He's fighting

cause he's a psychopath who wants to kill somebody.

He found a good outlet, and that's good. Right?

That's why I'm pro-war.

As long as it's voluntary. This war was voluntary.

I mean, it is no draft.

They weren't yanking kids out of their

inner city and making them go fight a war.

Everyone who joined the military, joined the military

cause they kinda want to go kill other people. Right?

And that's good. That's your instinct.

Your instinct is your true God, follow it.

If you just want to f***ing kill someone,

there's a place for it.

Go to the military.

As long as people who kinda want to go kill other people

are going to kill other people who kinda wanna go to kill

other people, you're killing all the right people,

and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Cause people who want to kill other people are the last people

I wanna party with, cause I get mouthy when I drink.

So go and have a big killing free frag. Make up wars.

Fight over Antarctica, call it "Manifest Destiny."

Do twelve men teams from different countries

on paintball fields with real weapons.

And put it on pay-per-view.

Let it generate his own revenue so

it's not sucking our f***ing supplies dry.

Military should be voluntary...

You should be able to quit anytime you want.

That way they'd really have to sell you on the war.

They can't just like suck you in some bullshit

18 years old, when you don't know what you do.

That's what people say,

"That's not true. They don't want to kill people.

Some people just join the military

cause they need college money."

Then they're idiots, and college wasn't gonna help.

Right?

There's plenty of other ways to get college money.

Suck a dick.

Rob a guy.

Steal a car.

Steal a pallet of that sh*t of the forklift you run at UPS,

and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp.

Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch.

You'll have plenty of college money

and never leave West Virginia.

Keep the war going.

Don't have a war against terrorism.

Jealous? Terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare, sorry.

It's being used inappropriately now.

The terrorists we have now, they just are bad at.

They're using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion.

But terrorism is a form of warfare.

How do you have rules for war? What's that all about?

"Oh, that's..."

"Saddam Hussein, he was ready to use chemical weapons,

that's against the rules."

F*** you! Ther's a war f*ggot, fight it or get out.

No rules.

What the "Geneva convention" is?

What's that sick sh*t?

We got rules for... "We're gonna kill each other

by the hundreds or thousands. Not us of course,

"poor people's kid. But if we're gonna do it,

"let's jump down some rules.

"Can they hit him in the face with a garden rake?

Gentlemen what you think? Yes? Ok, all right. Everyone in?

Yes. Hit him in the face with a garden rake is ok."

"What about mace? No, that's chemical.

That's fighting like a fairy. No mace.

That's what girls use, that's fighting like a girlie."

It's a war!

You attack me, I'm a weaker country,

I will use any weapon I have, I will...

Chemical weapon, nuclear weapon,

girlie eye gouge,

sucker nut punch,

dog sh*t in a rist rocket.

Whatever is gonna keep you away from me.

Yes, it's a war!

Fight it or quit crying, f*ggot.

If you're in here and you're gay and

you're offended that I'm using the word "f*ggot",

I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.

Cause "fag" it's way too good of a word.

I just, it's so "F*ggot!"

It's not even a gay theme.

I'll suck your dick. I'll turn queer

to keep the word, I don't care.

My self respect was shot years ago.

I stopped coming to the...

It's like a "c*nt". "C*nt" is a great word.

But it's more empressive if you use it on a guy.

"You're a f***ing c*nt! That's all you are."

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