Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #5

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See how? It's more powerful, cause it's confusing.

It's like calling a redneck a n*gger.

They don't know how to react.

Terrorism can work.

I'm trying to talk my mother

in being a suicide bomber right now.

Seriously.

Cause she fits the profile.

She's terminally ill.

Basically it hasn't been dying notes[??] but...

She's been chain smoking

"Kool Mild 100's" for 48 years.

She couldn't walk up onto the stage without

coffing out chunks of green sh*t all over your nachos.

Like some respiratory Gallagher event. [comedian]

She's miserable.

She really is a miserable, angry person.

I moved her up to Florida six years ago.

I moved her and her seven cats.

Got them a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood.

And all she's done in the last six years is

sit in that apartment and farm cats, and chain smoke and b*tch.

It's down of three cats now,

with one kind of teetering on the fences.

Cause they just sit there in her

apartment and second hand smoke they...

She won't even let them outside and have a decent chance

of chucking themselves under a bus tire and f***ing end it all.

"No, it's too dangerous on the street, keep the cats in."

So they breathe the second hand smoke, and then

it turns in the third hand smoke, forth hand smoke...

And cats, they're like furry air filters. That's all they are.

And they're not even furry, cause they're all

greasy with nicotine like old curtains

And they die right in front of her,

and she doesn't even notice for days.

Cause she is watching "Crossing over" with John Edward,

trying to figure out where she'll be in a month.

Drinking dollar-store Robitussin trying to cure her throat cancer.

It's not gonna work ma, come on.

And she's just a hateful, angry...

She hates everything. She hates the traffic, she hates neighbours,

and "This goddamn!". She hates you, she hates... Just hates.

She's like me without jokes.

Hateful.

But she loves me.

And she'd do anything for me.

And she's suicidal.

I mean, in a logical sense.

It's not a desperate "I can't go on another day."

She's suicidal in the way she knows that day's coming

when the lung tumors get bigger then a breast implant

she's gonna cash out. She's not a woman who wants to die

with a lot of tubes going in and out of her, milking off the state.

She gonna cash all. But instead of giving her

the big bottle of Xanax and a quart of vodka,

like my brother and I have planned for for the last few yeas...

Why not instead...

Seriously! Rig her up with some heavy explosives

and evertake out some sh*t we all hate on her way out.

Nothing with the political agenda like the terrorist of today

"This'll solve Middle East peace - Kaboom!". No.

No! Just take out some sh*t that we all hate.

Some personal peppy that's an irritate...

How to take out a DY road block.

Or Ashton Kutcher.

Or somethings that irritate everybody.

Someone noone will complain about.

Did you ever eat a "Subway" breakfast sandwich?

It's a damn good sandwich, is it?

Cause it comes on the same bun, it's the regular

delly style bun that all the other sanwiches.

Every fast-food place has to put their

breakfast sandwiches on something crazy.

"It's a [??] pancake", "It's a flicky croissant", or "Wacky biscuit".

But the "Subway" you can put it on a regular bun

and it comes you can put vegetables on it,

so it gives you the illusion that is good for you.

And I love the placebo effect, I'm a sucker for it.

But you can't get it after 11. [burp]

And I can sleep till 1 or 9 at nigh,

depending on what narcotics

still float around in my system.

But I still try to get the breakfast sandwich.

And I go "Hey come on, give me a egg and cheese".

And the kid'll say "I'm sorry sir.

It's after 11, we put all that stuff away."

You didn't put it away:

It's in a second green cabinet, it's right there.

This place is as big as a photo-mat,

there is no "away" in the building.

You don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up

at 11.02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

You're just programmed to do this.

So I don't want give him sh*t...

I mean, he's got enough sh*t in his life...

He's gonna wear a paper hat,

and "I'm a sandwich artist" polo shirt,

and frat guys freaking sh*t all day long:

"F*ggot, I said no tomatoes! Dude, put tomatoes on!"

So I don't wanna pile onto his misery, but come on!

Think, just think this one through.

The entire breakfast menu on "Subway"

consists of nothing but the egg.

It's all the same sandwiches they serve

all day long, plus an egg.

You don't have to fire up the griddle for the flapjacks...

It is not a process like other restaurants who really do have

to stop at 11 cause they have a real f***ing menu. But you don't...

You're just stealing their rule for no reason.

It doesn't make sense and

I don't want to be indict you but...

It's not even a real f***ing egg, man!

This is a pre-packaged egg-like petty product,

that sits in a stack of eight petties

in the second green cabinet...

It's right next to the bacon that you serve all day.

If I order a BLT rigt now I'll see that "away" eggs

sitting right next to it. "I see the eggs another way!"

And I don't get you sh*t up, I'm gonna

give you one more opportunity. Think this true

and please just give me an "egg and cheese".

And the kid's gonna say "I'm sorry sir."

And I'm gonna say "No. This time I'm sorry!"

"Mother!"

And mother...

Mother will come trudging in,

in her Ratty Tatty clothe bathrobe.

With C4 explosives strapped hand to toe.

Kool Mild 100's in one hand, dead cat in the other

like Gale Sayers or a Heisman trophy.

Plunger, and she's gonna say:

"Goodbye!" [Kaboom!]

And now terrorism has worked positive.

For all of us.

Some big cheese up in the "Subway" tar is

gonna read that story and he's gonna go:

"Why didn't he just give him a f***ing egg?

It's in the second green cabinet..."

"[??] go by franchise rules?"

And I wouldn't take innocent lives. What I'd do...

Mother wants to go, that's her choice.

And I wouldn't kill the "Subway" kid,

cause I'd get demolitions experts

to rig mother to implode.

Like a skyscraper.

So she just go:
[implosion]

And the "Subway" kid'd just go: [O.o]

But it would stay with him,

cause he'd think next time. Right?

It's such an amazing lack of logic that's

prevailing in our society and everyone just takes it.

We just take it.

"Well, it's just the way it is.

It's tradition, that's our policy."

F*** that! If it's stupid change it.

"That's the law!"

If it's a dumb law don't have it. Right?

I'm trying to work on our system just to simplify so...

I think we can...

I'm working on a system where

we can eliminate currency world wide.

Where we don't even have to use currency,

so I don't have to figure out math and incomes and that...

Just replace currency with a system of blowj*bs and cheesburgers,

cause that's really all they need in the end of the day.

"Nice car, I suck your dick for it."

"I just got my dick sucked, you got anything to eat?"

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