Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #6

---

"All right, here's a cheesburger."

There's kimps[??] in the system that I haven't worked on.

Hindus, for instance. That's a problem with the cheeseburgers,

and I gotta work it all out but...

When I do, everything's[??] gonna change.

All the other issues I'm pretty tied on.

Emigration.

There's too many people in this f***ing country.

But I think if you're gonna focus on keeping people out,

you gotta focus on the people who don't contribute to society.

That's an old brainer but...

And there's a specific group of

over four million people that come into this country

every year and don't contribute a f***ing thing.

And everyone knows who I'm talking about. But noone wants to

say it cause it's politically incorrect, but f*** that.

You know who I'm talking about...

Officer Bob?

You know who I'm talking about?

Who am I talking...?

Babies! That's who I'm talking about.

Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country,

they don't speak the language, they don't want to work.

They just take, and they take...

And they cause a roc[??], and they waste

all of our natural resources.

I say put the border patrol agent

at the foot of your uterus.

Anything comes out without a visa

you kick it back in the hole.

"What's your name? You're not on the list.

Get back behind the velvet rope."

"The club is overfull. We'll call you when we need you."

Sick of other people.

"Oh Doug, don't you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD?

"Yes, cause you won't stop having them, so I'm gonna keep saying it.

Almost every problem in the world boils down

that there're too many f***ing people.

And I'm not just talking out of my...

I had my vasectomy, I have no children.

Anyone else had a vasectomy?

Who did? Did you?

Get him a drink. That's a true American hero right there.

Don't name the f***ing memorial highway after him.

After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space...

There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks.

He's the guy who didn't have someone parking there. Every time

you're f***ing stuck in traffic, yes you think about the...

Brainers. "Hey, no traffic at all the day...". Thank you.

How long before you blew it on after you had it?

Do you remember?

Two weeks?

I waited 8 days.

Cause they tell you "Wait 72 hours".

I developed what they call granuloma.

If don't know how they do a vasectomy...

What they do is they go in and they make

a small incision on each side of your scrot sack,

and then they go in with a tweezer thing,

and they remove your courage, and your confidence,

and your social skills, and your sense of humor,

and your need for any personal hygiene...

And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing.

So I had that done out of respect for the world.

And then I get granuloma that is when

you continue to leak semen in you bag sack,

and then your bag sack start swelling of

bigger an bigger every day, did you get that?

No? I have pictures of it on my website

cause people thought I was exaggerating.

It was like...

I called it the "indian[??] bag".

It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs.

Was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka.

And they're telling me "Wait 72 hours". And I go

"What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?" Six days??

I waited 8 days and...

And I didn't even wanted jerk off then,

but you go 8 days witout...

I've never gone 8 days in my natural

low blowing life without emptying it all...

But weird sh*t happens in your head

after that about the time.

I'm getting deviant thought watching

TV commercials that don't even have people in them.

I had to do something.

I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers

squinting like a little girl in a horror movie.

"I don't wanna see what's coming out of there...

Blood, or stitches, or chili..."

I didn't think I needed a vasectomy.

I was like some convenient frame of my mind.

Cause I've dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life

and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies...

I think with all the sh*t I've done to my body

I was surprised

I had sperm that was still white.

Much less potent.

So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago.

It was the first abortion...

The only abortion, I've had...

But it was might have been

the longest abortion of all time.

It took a month to have.

Anyone had an abortion?

You're all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden.

So I assume you all have.

It's f***ing horrible thing to go to.

And not horrible in that

"Oh it's a living thing, what are we doing?"

F*** it, a living thing.

A genital wart is a living thing.

If it's gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right?

Bladder cancer is a living growing like a baby.

And if you try to remove that

I'll protest you and say "Stop playing God."

It's horrible.

We panted and then do any research...

Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out.

It's not like in 1955, when you just had to

kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right?

You feed her a tapeworm,

and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I mean you have medical options.

I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live

on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example

to living babies on, that were alredy on board,

and thinking about screaming through the all flight.

Little scared straight program to the infance but...

Can't do that.

But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy.

Yes, it sounds like, "Oh, it's an abortion pill!"

"Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?"

And you go "Ah, that sounds like you just take

a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come

and she leaves a quarter onto your womb,

and noone knows the whys about. But no.

It was a long story and I won't get

into the graphic details about.

But it would took a month to have this...

And what was more f***ed up is how they treat you.

There was just this clinic...

Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??].

And they were all f***ing a**holes,

and they treated you like sh*t because they can.

And that's a problem.

Even though abortion is legal...

Yes, for a limited time only.

Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town

and he knows your body better than you.

Trust your government.

That blue light specials are about to end.

But even though it's legal,

it still lives in that grey area of shame

where if you even bring it up

in a f***ing basement drunken comedy club

it creates a church like bingo all silence.

And that's how they treat you like sh*t.

Because they can get away with it.

It's like d*ldos, right?

They're legal, except for Mississippi,

"You're gonna jail for that!"

They're legal.

Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight.

You go out to the smut shop,

you get a nice topshop, a f***ing blue wiggler,

and you bring it home,

and you jam[??] the batteries in it...

But then the neck doesn't swivel

quiet right for the G spot.

And then little robber rabbit

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes