Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #7

---

doesn't quiet reach you clitoris,

like it says it will on the box.

What are you gonna do? Bring it back?

You'll have to get have liquored up

on draft beer just to walk into that joint.

Much less stop buying monday morning

on the way to your accountant position when you're...

"How you did it talk to someone [??]

This doesn't reach my clitoris, There's something...

Can I try on a different one?"

They gonna tell you

to pound sand and get out of the store.

Who you gonna call?

The better business bureau?

"I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!"

It's the same with an abortion.

They know that I'm not gonna walk into a crowded clinic

with my wife and slap my hand down on the form[??]:

"This is the worst abortion

I have ever had, I want to see your manager."

"I want to talk to your manager.

You call this an abortion?"

"I would be embarrased to put out

this kind of workmanship, my friend."

"I'm gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am."

"I'm not gonna have my abortions here anymore."

"You have lost a very valuable

customer today, my friend."

"I'm cutting up my priority club membership card."

You're gonna f***ing stare at me

like you don't have any...

Yeah, fine.

Before you actually go and get all

quiet pissy like I'm some a**hole about this...

Keep in mind, I'm just telling you

the parts that I think are funny.

You don't know the reasons we had...

The reason that we had an abortion ...

It wasn't frivolous.

We didn't have an abortion cause

we weren't ready to take care of a child,

we're irresponsible, or because

we're not financially capable of taking...

The reason we had it

is cause I really wanted to see

what it felt like to kill a baby.

I just do not want you to judge.

Your priest will tell you...

Your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong.

Cause your priest'll tell you that

your life begin at conception.

But the priest'll also tell you

it's okay to suck his dick when you're only twelve.

So maybe is timing just off.

Here's what everyone seems to overlook with the all

priest molestation scandal, if you think about it.

With all the horrible, horrible sh*t

that your priest is pumping into your kid's head...

His dickshit'll be the least of your worries.

Honestly.

That's just a little bit of mouthwash and a

few years of theraphy'll get rid of that.

That Jesus sh*t will torch you for a lifetime.

"We sent our boy to church so he can learn

a lifetime of guilt, shame, self hatred..."

"All the things we enjoy."

"And then the priest flopped out his audience

here right in front of the child."

Who's the abused?

"How come you never told us

this was happening to him?"

Cause you're a feak and a prude and you can't...

Anytime that kid came to you

with anything of a sexual nature

you probably freaked out, and cramped up, and pruded up,

and send him to church to deal with it.

Where he got f***ed in the face again.

A vicious circle.

"Mommy, is it normal for an older man to have sex

with a young boy my age right in his mouth?"

"Where do you get these ideas Kevin?

Who told you these things? That's horrible!"

"Sex is not like... Sex is something that...

Well sex is for people that..."

"Why don't you go talk to

Father Henry Hank about this right now?"

"Noooooo!" [choking]

"But mommy, I was trying to tell you

that he's the one who..." [choking]

And then they have big get togheters.

With cardinals, and the bishops and the...

Every big Halloween hat gets togheter

in one high ceiling venue

to discuss how to punish the offending priest.

"What do we do to punish him?"

"He had mouthfucked all the kids, what do we do?"

I'll tell you what you do.

You want to know how to punish him,

you go back to the Bible, hypocrite.

It's in Leviticus. It's that same passage

they use to justify the death penalty.

What does it say?

"Eye for an eye", exactly.

If it works for the death penalty, then it should

work just fine for your priest molestation issue.

A priest fucks your kid in the face,

you tell him "Billy, you march your ass

back over to that church right now."

"You f*** that priest in his mouth!

See how he likes it!"

"Go on boy! Give it to him good! Give it to him good!"

"I'm raising no sissies!"

Now the Church is all upset about the gay marriage.

Why?

It's one of those trick arguments where everyone

hits a big issue that doesn't really f***ing matter.

But at the same time, the arguments don't matter...

"Oh, gays should not get marry,

that's gonna ruin family!"

"We have every right!"

Marriage should not be a legal institution,

that's the argument you should be having and noone...

The government should have no place

in your love life, that should not.

If you want to get married you

should be like joining a fraternity.

You want to get marry, you go to

your church or your "Chuck E. Cheese",

and they do a crazy rain dance around you and some

incantation and "pafoom!", you're a married person.

It doesn't mean anything.

What about tax brakes?

F*** it.

If you want tax brakes, then corporate. Right?

The government should only look at you

as an individual, no matter what.

What if you're f***ing idiot and you're ugly?

It's like the car pooling.

You can't find someone to marry. It's discrimination.

Not be a legal institution, it shouldn't exist.

If marriage didn't exist,

Would you invent it?

Would you go "Baby, this sh*t we got togheter, it's

so good! We gotta get the government in on issue!"?

We can't just share this commitment betweenst us.

We need judges and lawyers involved in this sh*t baby!"

It's hot!

But someone invented it.

And now you gotta do it or you're an a**hole. Right?

It's like "Secretary's day".

Everyday was fine when you shuffled in an office,

till someone said "Oh, it's Secretary's day".

Now you're a dick if you don't bring her flowers.

Someone invented marriage and now you're a dick

if you don't marry and I'm a dick if I don't show up.

And it's a boring, egomaniacal ritual,

at noone wants to go to.

Don't ever for a second think that

someone wants to be at your wedding.

It's the most boring horrifying experience.

It's like watching someone

make out on a bus for six hours.

You gotta wear your nicest clothes and show up,

bring present, and tell weedy anecdotes.

I have to watch you my friend up there go "You know,

I'm gonna tell you what loving commitment mean to me."

"Cause the first time I saw Laura and Hen,

my heart swelled up."

If I'm gonna be that private,

your most intimate details...

I'd rather just watch you f***.

That's a wedding.

Let me watch you f*** with a miner's cap

and get in there and see all the f***ing boils

and f***ing heat bumps and yes...

It's gross.

It's a trick argument. There's so many...

Pledge of Allegiance, is in the the Supreme Court.

That's another trick argument.

"Under God should be the Pledge of Allegiance!"

We don't need a Pledge of Allegiance, say that.

Why do you need that brainwashing cold sh*t?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes