Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #8

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If you have a good product,

kids'll figure it out on their own.

You don't need advertising.

Twelve years of forced advertising. Right?

You've done drugs in here by applause, right?

At some point.

Did you have a good time?

Do you ever see I'm advertised?

There needn't to.

You got a good product, people come around.

You don't need that sh*t.

"Well, you do had to have under God in there

cause they found it Fathers based this country

on the principles of christianity."

You want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance, worry not about

the God part. Worry about the Liberty and Justice for all.

Talk to him in two years and

see what justice is all about.

And Liberty...

The meaning of Liberty, the dictionary definition...

"Liberty means freedom

from government restriction and control".

Not only the wee[??] have liberty.

Who has less liberty than the children, you make say this.

That's the irony. They get the least liberty

you've had it. We don't have, they got... [??]

They can't do sh*t. We got the oldest children in the

world in this country. Don't let them do sh*t forever.

They can't do sh*t. They can't drink,

they can't smoke, they can't drive,

they can't vote, they can't work.

They can't f***, for God's sakes.

And you wonder why your teenage is such an a**hole...

You wonder he's sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot

after the friday night high school football game...

He skin cars and he's smearing dog sh*t

on your door handles for no particolar reason.

It's cause he's bored out of his tit!

You won't let them do anything else.

You watch on the news, you see a ten year

old kid in the Third World country.

He's got a AK-47 and a death stare

looking right into the camera.

That kid's not out spray painting

over passes on saturday night.

He's got sh*t to do.

He's got a whole agenda.

He learned by f***ing up, and it takes you until you f***ed up

a bunch of times to learn. There's no magic number. [??]

You want to fix the Pledge of Alledgiance,

put a discalimer at the end.

"with Liberty and justice for all..."

"Must be 18 void with prohibitive [??], some

restricitons may apply. Not available in all states."

How do you plegde allegiance to a government?

How do you do that? That's the dumbest thing...

All America is as a government.

There's no such thing as "We're americans."

That's just trivial bullshit

to get you play routines for the home team.

You're not an American.

You're a guy. Or chick, whatever.

You're a person. That's you're an individual.

That's it.

Until the mongols came over the hills swinging

machetes trying to take our f***ing fire hazzard

underground comedy club away from us...

Yes, then we are body up. As one.

But those days are over, there's noone trying to take over America.

We weren't on the virges[??] speaking Iraqi.

As far as America goes...

There's two coutries in the world:

"Dick" and "Not a dick". Those are the only two

countries. The border goes all the way around.

Did ever go to another country and meet

another american when you didn't expect to?

You're down in Costa Rica, up in the jungle,

trying to f*** a monkey so you have a friend,

a story to tell your buddy...

And you wind up meeting another american

and you didn't expect it, and you always

talk to him, just on the trivia...

"Hey you're from America!

I'm from america, where are you from?"

And there's never more then three sentences

before you realize "If I a was in America,

I wouldn't talk to this douchebag if my air

was on fire and he held the monopoly on liquid."

What does that mean?

I'm no more of an American than I am

an hairess[??] or an uncle. It's something

you called me and I just was "Cheer."

I just showed up and you called me some.

If you're gonna pledge blind allegiance

and call yourself american for a governmentthat

that fucks you on a regulare basis...

Democracy's the worst kind.

I'm sorry, but it is.

"We got to pick our leaders!"

What if I don't want a leader? What is that vote go?

You do good on my owm, I don't wanna be leaded.

That freedom?

"American idol" was the number one show

on television for the last two years.

Those are the people picking your leaders.

With less insight then they put in the

whether f***ing Ruben Studdard win an award.

It's dumb.

Would you call yourself a christian

if they had a new Jesus every four years?

You wanna make a difference in the world,

here's some things you can do:

First, you work for a major corporation

f*** stuff up, break stuff.

It's good for the economy, it drives their prices up and

makes the small businessesmen become competitive again.

I get I'm bad with math,

but I think that one will work.

Trade out when you can.

Don't buy things if you don't have

to buy things if you can trade out...

If you're a pool cleaner, and you're a carpet layer

don't buy each others products. Trade out.

And that how you f*** the tax men. They have

so much of your money, they piss right in your face.

And they waste it, and they go

"Look how much of your money we're wasting!"

"Take it, you pitch! F***ing take my piss!"

They spent 30 million dollars

advertising the new 20-dollar bill.

30 million dollars to put TV as

"This is the new 20-dollar bill!"

Who's the competition?

You need to advertise...?

"Yeah, well, we had to spare 30 million, cause we are

pissing in his face. Yes, give me f***ing 30 million

dollars while I f***ing piss in your face!"

"What do you think I'm gonna start spending

costarican colonies, if you don't...?"

"I don't like the new twenny.

It's more of a autum colour..."

"I'm a spring..."

Trade out. They piss your money away

like a bad MC Hammer behind the music storey.

And if you trade out you can avoid that.

You get my point.

Here's the most important thing. Now that the

cops're out of the room we can talk about this.

Here's the most important...

I only got four minutes left up here.

Take jury duty.

This is how you beat him.

Everyone one tries to get out a jury duty

like it's a big pain in the ass.

But it's honestly the easiest way you can

make a difference as single human being.

If you take jury duty and it's any

kind of bullshit crime, any kind of

drug possession, any prostitution, any victimless crime,

anything that's none of your goddamn business...

You just say "Not guilty."

It's any kind of heiress bullshit, any .09DUY... Come on...

You say "Not guilty.".

If it's any kind of class action law suit,

with some douchebag her kid died in some

weird fashion and she deserves compensation.

Cause there was no warning on the box that if her kid

swallowed a Linkenlog sidewaysed he could have a bad day.

So she wants 8.5 million dollars.

Cause nothing spells relief of loss of a loved one

like 8.5 million dollars.

"It's just a principle of the thing."

Suit for a buck.

"You [??] my baby. He swallowed Linkenlogs, it's terrible!"

"Not guilty."

You know what I'm saying?

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