Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero Page #9

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No matter how guilty they obviously are

In fact, the more guilty they obviously are

the funnier it is when you say "Not guilty."

The guy could be guilty of sh*t, and swedding

big shaky crackhead, and making up lies

yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge...

"No, Your Honor, I down was in Colombia,

cause I had taken a landscaping job for a weekend

"through a temp agency, I was a kelly girl..."

"But down in Bogot you gotta

work naked for some reason."

"It's a weird costum that they have but I don't want

to complain. I needed to [??]"

"So I was bented over a pull start down lawn mower,

"and all of a sudden a small dark headed frog,

that's indigenous to the area,

"it spread of out the shrubbery and

it went fafoom right into my rectum,

"and then I went delirious from

the toxins in it skin, I blepped out..."

"And the next thing I know,

"I'm walking trough customs with a

condom full of coke in my colon."

And you say:

"Same thing happened to me! Not guilty!"

And then you go do bumps with the guy.

You can make a difference.

You just have to find a grift.

You don't live in a free country.

You've got a flag on your shirt, though.

Oh, he's upside down. You're f***ing sweet.

It's not a free country. You're born free...

I mean, you are born absolutely free,

except for the laws of nature.

If you drink, you get drunk. That's a law.

If you get old, you die. That's a law too.

If you sit on a tack, you will bleed from the ass.

These are the only laws they that you're born with.

And any of government just fucks you

out that type of freedom.

If you really think you're free tonight...

You, hero!

Officer Bob, you're a free man!

You live in a free country!

You go upstairs...

You take your own beer you risked your life for...

You sit on the hood of your

monster truck in a parking lot...

Drink your beer.

And see how long it is before

actual vetrine cops come by

and pawn on you trundges[??]

on the kidneys, to show...

"Why can't I do it? I'm just having a beer."

"I don't know. That's the law, you don't f*** around."

You can't drive down the street

without a seatbelt on, why not?

You gotta put on a helmet.

You can't sit in your own backyard naked,

your own filthy dirty flesh that you're born with.

You know that body you carry around?

"Filthy! You can't sit out... Why not?

I don't know, that's just the way it is."

Mother!

You're not free.

You're not free in the least.

You need a dipoma in this country to cut hair.

Are you free?

You need to keep your tray in a operate

and a locked position during take-off.

That's not just a heck premise, it's a f***ing fellony.

And the c*nt, the hero sky c*nt, f***ing throw

you off the plane as a terrorist for going

"Why do I have to have...? This doesn't make sense."

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

But if you teach a man to fish...

Then he's gotta get a fishing license,

but he doesn't have any money.

So he's gotta get a job, and he has to get

another Social Security system and pay taxes.

And now you gonna audit the poor cocksucker

cause he's not really good with math.

He'll pull the IRS van up to your house.

He'll take all your sh*t.

He'll take your black velvet Elvis,

and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump...

And then all goes up for auction with the burden of

proof on you, cause you forgot to carry the one.

Cause you were just worried

about eating a f***ing fish.

And you couldn't even cook the fish,

cause you needed a permit for an open flame.

And then the Health Department is gonna

start asking you a lot of questions about where

are you gonna dump the scales and the guts.

"This is not a sanitary environment."

And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick

of it all at the end of the day...

Not even legal to kill yourself in this country.

Thanks again, John Ashcroft.

You weird bible addict, can't even hande his own drug.

You are born free, got f***ed out the half of it.

And you're waving a flag celebrating.

"Hey, don't hold back!"

You got an argument?

"No, keep going!"

the onyl true freedom that you find

is when you realize and come to terms with the fact

that you are completely

and unapologetically f***ed.

And then you are free to float around the system.

Thank you guys very much for coming out tonight.

Good night!

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