Down to Earth Page #2

I don't think there's anything | he can't handle.

- You guys can fix this, right? | - Lance, look,

I pride myself | on being a straight shooter.

For guys that lived a bad life, | I don't mince words.

I tell them to go to hell, literally.

You, on the other hand, | I like you.

You're what you call- | You're very, um-

You're very, um- | what's the word- very, um-

- Funny? | - No. You're spunky.

- Spunky? What the- | - Spunky.

So here's the story. | Your body's gone.

Adios, sayonara, comprende?

- But I spoke to my boss. | - You talked to God?

Yeah. What we can do for you | is put you in somebody else's body,

as long as no one knows | he's dead yet, okay?

Wait a minute. How am I supposed | to do my act in somebody else's body?

Lance, this is all part | of some, like, grand plan.

- Really? | - Yeah, sure.

Anyway, come on. | Let's go find you a body.

- This one's kind of like a fixer-upper. | - I don't think so.

How about this one? | He's physically fit.

- He's got nice pecs. | - Big's not funny.

Nobody wants to laugh at a guy | who could whip their ass.

- Hey, it's your call. | - Hey, Joey.

- Hello. | - Hey, Joey, help me. I can't-

He's perfect.

Picky, picky. | Really picky.

Man! Who lives here?

Charles Wellington, | the 15th richest man in America.

He owns sporting teams, | cable companies,

health insurance companies, | you name it.

Just finished building this high-tech | penthouse controlled by supercomputers.

If I don't like the body, | can I keep the crib?

Wait a- How'd you do that?

I'm a friggin' angel. | I can do whatever I want.

What is it?

Cocktails, madame.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course. | Thank you, Wanda.

It's my pleasure, | Mrs. Wellington.

- Is that the guy? | - No.

That's Winston Sklar, | Wellington's private secretary.

They're waiting for Wellington's body | to be discovered.

- What are you talking about? What? | - They're trying to kill him.

- We gotta do something! | - Thank you, Wanda.

"Thank you, Wanda. "

Who the hell she think she is? | You frigid, stuck-up b*tch.

If you really want to thank me, | get that cheap-ass husband of yours...

to pay me a decent wage.

One more face-lift, that | b*tch gonna be fartin' out her nose.

Why haven't they found him yet?

I'm a murderer. I'm a dirty murderer. | I should be punished.

Punish me.

Oh, I'll punish you.

Lance.

Call the cops. | Call the cops. Call the cops.

I was on vacation | and that Wellington...

flew me in | from North Carolina...

- Call the police. Call the cops. | - to change the channel on the TV.

Call the cops. 9-1-1. 9-1-1.

- You're damn right I was mad! | - Mamacita, nueve,

- I had tickets to go see the O'Jays. | - uno, uno.

Nueve, uno, uno.

Where's the phone? Where's the phone?

No can do, Lance. The phone company | doesn't provide service to dead people.

You wanna make a call, | get a body.

Well, find me another body. I don't | want anything to do with these freaks.

I am here to see Mr. Wellington, | and I'm not leaving until I see him.

- Allow me to speak to Mr. Wellington. | - Yes, you let him know I'm here.

- Mr. Sklar, sir? | - Yeah, Cisco?

It's, uh, Miss Jenkins again, sir. | She insists on seeing Mr. Wellington.

I'm sorry to bust in like this. | Well, actually I'm not.

That's her. | That's the girl.

Hey, remember me?

On the bike. | Run over?

No, that's allright, Miss Jenkins.

So, what can we do for you?

Well, I just wanted to say | that I think you should be arrested.

Holy crap.

What you're planning to do to the | Brooklyn Community Hospital is criminal.

Oh, so you mean that-

You throw those words around like that. | "Arrested. " It kind of hit me.

That really- Ooh!

I don't think there's | anything funny about this.

I work at the Brooklyn | Community Hospital.

It's the only public | health facility in the area,

and your company just bought it.

I know that hospital. | My uncle went there for a new liver.

They sent his ass | to the supermarket.

If this hospital goes private, | the people who depend on us...

won't have any place to turn.

That's awful. I think | you should take that up...

with Mr. Wellington | at his business office.

I've tried that. | I've been there at least 20 times.

I've made 200phone calls, | and Mr. Wellington seems to never be in,

so I decided to visit him | at his home.

He's unavailable, | I guarantee you.

If he's unavailable now, I'll just | wait here until he is available.

- I'm afraid you can't. | - Yes, I can.

Would you like to call the police | and have me arrested?

- I'm sure the press'll be interested. | - No, no, no. Let's don't.

- Let's don't even- | - I thought so.

Hey, King, if I take | this Wellington guy's body,

could I help her out?

- You got the hots for her. | - You tryin' to sell me a body, right?

- Well, let's see it. | - Okay.

Would you stop it?

This ain't Star Trek. | I'm used to walking.

Lance Barton, | Charles Wellington.

Mr. Wellington, | please, don't get up.

Damn, he's dead!

Yep. Nice bathtub.

So if I take his body, | I'm gonna look like that, right?

I can't go to the Apollo | in that body.

- How can I get laughs lookin' like him? | - He looks funny to me.

I already get booed. Do I really need | to get beat down on top of it?

You want to meet the girl, | you gotta take the body.

Any moment someone'll discover it, | and it'll be too late.

Does it have to be for good?

Could I just be him while you | find me a better body?

- You mean, take the body on loan? | - Mm-hmm.

Normally, I have | a problem with that,

but since we, uh, screwed up,

it's a deal.

Mr. Wellington, there's | a Miss Sontee Jenkins here to see you.

Still bathing, are we?

We don't want our fingers | to go all pruney.

Hey, it worked!

What? You weren't sure | it would work?

Relax, I read the manual.

Hey, I still look like me.

You are you.

I thought you said | I was Wellington.

- You are Wellington. | - Well, thanks for clearin' that up.

Look, Lance, | to everyone else...

you look like Wellington, | you sound like Wellington,

you even smell like Wellington.

But you see yourself.

Simple, huh?

Mr. Wellington, everything allright?

Go ahead. You can answer him. | Go ahead.

- Everything's cool. | - Not too cool, I hope.

No, everything is all right.

Now, they're gonna see Wellington, | not some brother in his clothes.

'Cause I don't feel | like gettin' shot today.

- You'll be all right. | - All right.

So, you the butler?

Yes, sir. | Uh, me- me the butler.

So you do all the butlerin' | around here.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Whose butler are you?

Your butler, sir.

You're my butler.

Don't cheat on me, now.

If I see you butlerin' for | somebody else, I'm gonna kill him.

And who am I?

You- You, sir?

You Mr. Wellington?

- Who am I? | - Mr. Wellington.

You're damn right I'm Wellington. | Yes! I got a body!

I got a body! | I got a body!

You certainly have. | Would you care to get dressed now, sir?

Go ahead, Lance, | take that corpse for a spin.

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