Down with Love

---

The place, New York City.

The time, now, 1962.

And there's no time

or place like it.

If you've got a dream...

this is the place

to make that dream come true.

That's why the soaring population

of hopeful dreamers...

has just reached

eight million people.

Oh! Make that

eight million and one.

Hey, taxi! Taxi!

Hey, wait!

Where are you going?

Down with the bomb!

Down with the bomb!

Down with the bomb!

Down with the bomb!

Down with the bomb!

Barbara?

"Oh. "

- Barbara Novak?

- Oh, I think so.

- Oh, thank goodness you're here!

- Vikki?

Vikki Hiller, your editor,

in the flesh.

It is so nice to finally

meet you in person.

My goodness,

you're gorgeous!

We're gonna set up a photo shoot

for the book jacket.

There's plenty of time. The book doesn't

come out for a week. One week!

Oh, my! Don't be nervous.

Cigarette?

Barbara, this is my secretary Gladys.

Gladys, Barbara Novak.

Oh, I know. It's a pleasure.

Hello, Gladys! I'm glad to finally have

a face to put with the voice.

Vick, I need you

to sigh off on this pronto.

Maurice Johns, art director.

Barbara Novak, your cover!

" Oh, Maurice!"

I love it!

Down With Love.

Hear! Hear!

I only wish somebody had written

your book 10 years ago...

before it was too late for me.

Gladys, it's never too late.

Great job. Sorry if the guys in New

Production have been riding your tail.

I'm not.

They're ready for you

in the lion's den.

- Lion's den?

- Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine.

Just take a deep breath.

Gentlemen, this is Miss Novak.

- E.G.

- C.B.

- C.W.

- J.B.

- J.R.

- R.J.

- Okay.

- "O.K. Can't make it. "

- He's down with T.B.

- Oh, what a shame. Is it serious?

No, they're just having breakfast.

T.B. Is Theodore Banner.

You know, the owner of Banner House,

the fellow publishing your little book?

That's his portrait, there.

Forgive me if we kept you

waiting, but Barbara hit a storm...

on her way down from Maine.

- So you've come down from Maine, huh?

- You remember, C.B.

Miss Novak is

the farmer's daughter librarian...

who spent the long,

cold New England winter...

writing her manuscript

by the light of a lonely oil lamp.

I'm at a loss here, ladies.

I'm afraid I don't know exactly

what Miss Novak's book is about.

Miss Novak's book is a serious work

"of nonfiction entitled"...

Vikki, excuse me.

It's right behind you.

Would you mind pouring me

a cup of coffee?

It's a serious work of nonfiction...

"entitled" Down With Love.

- This is empty.

- "If you're making a fresh pot," I'll have a cup.

- Count me in.

- "Likewise. "

- Ditto.

- None for me, Vikki.

- Thanks, R.J.

- I'll have a Sanka.

As I was saying, the central thesis

"of Miss Novak's book," Down With Love...

is that women will never be happy

until they become...

independent as individuals by achieving

equal participation in the workforce.

And how do you propose

women do this, Miss Novak?

By saying, "Down with love. "

Love is a distraction.

If women were to stop falling in love,

it would mean the end of the human race.

Not at all.

I said women should refrain

from love, C. W"... "

not sex.

Isn't that the same thing?

I mean, for women.

It won't be, after they've mastered the

three levels I've outlined in my book...

that will teach any woman

to live life the way a man does.

Level one instructs women

to abstain from men altogether...

so they'll stop thinking that the pleasures

experienced during the sex act are related to love.

They're not,

as women will learn...

by practicing the self-pleasuring

technique that I've detailed...

in chapter seven entitled...

"Up With Chocolate. '"'

You see, gentlemen...

the female experiences

a biological reaction to chocolate...

that triggers the same pleasurable responses

as are triggered during the sex act.

By substituting chocolate for sex...

the female will soon learn

the difference between sex and love.

Love for a man will

no longer occupy her mind.

She will now find that she has

the time and the energy...

to move on to level two...

where taking on new challenges will lead

to the self-sufficience of level three...

where the woman becomes active

in the workplace...

and earns and achieves

an unequivocal equality...

with men.

And all this time the woman

is abstaining from sex?

Heavens no!

By level three, she can have sex

whenever she likes, without love...

and enjoy it the way a man does...

la carte.

Well, Miss Novak, your "theories... "

may have worked with

the gentlemen up in Maine...

but the men in Manhattan are not the fine,

upstanding, straightforward men of Maine.

The men of Manhattan are devious.

They're dangerous. They'll be

coming at you from every angle.

While you're watching your front,

they'll attack from the rear!

And while you're protecting your rear,

they'll drop out of the sky.

Adios.

Oh, one more kiss!

Easy, baby.

Be careful you don't fall out.

Bye-bye!

Very good. I'll let him know.

Mr. MacMannus? Catcher Block

has just landed on the roof.

KNOW "magazine. "

- Are you Catcher Block's secretary?

- Yes, Mr. MacMannus.

I'm Sally. I'm new.

They're always new.

When he gets in, tell him to see me.

He's fired.

- You're fired!

- No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are!

So you can take your Pulitzer and your beloved

Underwood and your change of underwear...

and clear out.

Do you work for me?

You had a story due yesterday,

but I gave you more time.

I held the presses so you could get

your scoop on Nazis hiding in Argentina.

Then I see "this!"

"Item:
"KNOW" magazine's

star journalist, Catcher Block...

"ladies' man, man's man,

man about town,

"Was seen leaving the Copa

last night with a doggie bag...

and three girls

from the floor show. "

I took the Bossa Nova

triplets to Cocoa Beach.

NASA was throwing a luau.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it...

because unless you found Nazis

hiding at your luau, you're fired!

There were Nazis hiding at your luau!

I knew you'd do it!

What do you got for me, Catch?

What do you got?

Argentina isn't the only hiding place for

Nazis. They're hiding them in Florida too.

Wow! How?

Who's hiding them?

- "We are. "

- We Americans?

Why? Nazis are bad.

We're good.

Yeah, but some bad Nazis

are good scientists.

The guy building the rocket that'll land on

the moon first and win us the space race?

He's a Nazi, and I saw

the top-secret file to prove it.

Here. I brought you a souvenir.

Whoa!

A top-secret NASA

security clearance badge!

- How did you get this?

- Blame it on the bossa nova.

The triplets?

Yeah.

You see, Lola shakes

her maracas...

and Rosa bounces her bongos...

while Nina is all hands...

120 words a minute.

The story? It's written?

Whoa! Catch!

But is it safe to print?

NASA's gonna blow its stack.

Well, they forgave Germany.

They can forgive us.

Get someone from Legal up here.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

My analyst says I only react to you

with such vehement loathing...

because I admire you so much.

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