Dragnet Page #6

- Why not, Joe?

- Yeah, Joe, why not?

I've invited someone already

to join us, and you don't know her.

- Her?

- Her?

Joe! You have a date?

I'm so proud!

Well, it looks like

I have a date, too.

Granny Mundy, may I escort you

to Joe's car?

I'd be privileged,

Detective Startrek.

witnessing the satanic cult rally...

I escorted my grandmother to her

favourite restaurant, the Brown Derby.

There was someone I wanted her to meet,

and it wasn't Detective Streebek.

Sergeant Friday, your table is ready.

I took the liberty of pouring

the Dom Perignon.

What Dom Perignon?

I stopped and phoned in an order

in honour of Granny Mundy's birthday.

You'd want her to have

the most expensive kind, wouldn't you?

What a thoughtful gesture!

Don't you think so, Joe?

Yes, Granny.

It was very considerate of him.

Hello, Joe.

Guess I'm early.

I was kind of excited.

You sly minx!

I'd like you to meet my maternal

grandmother, Mrs. Grace Mundy.

Granny, this is

the virgin Connie Swail.

You're kidding?

Hi.

Well, allow me.

The place of honour for Granny.

- Thank you.

- Certainly.

And if I may, a toast.

To Granny Mundy.

May you live as long as you want

but never want as long as you live.

Hear! Hear!

Ahhh.

This is such a happy restaurant.

Commissioner Kirkpatrick,

how nice to see you again.

Reverend Whirley,

it's a privilege.

An aperitif, perhaps?

I once saw Alan Hale, Jr. In here.

Alan Hale, Jr! Wow!

"Gilligan, little buddy!"

Don't order anything more expensive than

the Cobb salad. That is an order.

Oh, my God!

- Connie?

- That's him.

That man with the collar.

The Reverend Whirley?

He's the one who kidnapped me

and threw me in that pit...

with that horrible snake.

I'll never forget his face

as long as I live.

You have to be sure about this.

How about very, very sure?

I'm positive, Joe.

That's him.

The face behind the mask.

The man who tried to kill me.

Would you testify to that under oath

in a court of law?

Wait a minute. Settle down.

Let's think about this.

That is Jonathan Whirley.

Head of the Moral Advance Movement

of America. He's a public hero.

- You can't just walk up to him...

- Streebek.

Vermin aren't allowed

inside restaurants.

I'll be enforcing

the public health code.

If you'll both excuse me...

I'm afraid

the second-highest duty calls.

Joe, he is sitting with the commissioner

and our captain.

Bust him now, tomorrow you'll

be mucking out stalls at Horse Patrol.

Thank you.

I am sorry.

Hold it there, Whirley. Police Officer.

You're under arrest.

I beg your pardon?

Is this some sort of feeble joke?

Oh, it's a knee-slapper, if you consider

Penal Codes 484207 A597 and 217...

theft, kidnapping, cruelty to animals,

attempted murder things to laugh about.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

My partner and I witnessed

that torchlight picnic you threw.

We're gonna put you where your kind

always ends up:
In a 7-by-7 cage...

in some hundred-year-old penitentiary

with a wooden plank for a bed.

Sure, this city isn't perfect. We need

a smut-free life for all our citizens.

Cleaner streets, better schools,

a good hockey team.

But the difference between you and me is

you made the promise, I'm gonna keep it.

Our good reverend's an amazing

piece of work, isn't he, Jane?

- May I call you Jane?

- No.

Captain, Commissioner...

I demand an immediate explanation

for this outrageous behaviour.

It's him again.

Are you insane?

Reverend Whirley abducted that girl,

had his men throw her in a pit...

filled with polluted water

and a giant Bolivian jungle snake.

These accusations are preposterous!

I beg to differ. Ask him if he remembers

trichlornitromethane and the

pseudo-halogenic compound cyanogen...

which, when mixed properly,

form a liquid fertilizer that burns...

the throat, eyes, lungs, and nose,

and could cause vomiting and death.

We're just about to eat here!

Reverend Whirley, please accept

our most sincere apologies.

Sergeant, you will remove

those handcuffs immediately.

Then you will hand in your badge.

You are relieved from duty.

But... But...

But, Commissioner...

Now!

Yes, sir. Ma'am.

I don't care.

I'm absolutely humiliated.

I know the young man was overzealous,

but he springs from a great tradition.

Commissioner, won't you please

change your mind?

I'm afraid I'll have to take

your badge and gun.

- If we could just please...

- I don't want to discuss it!

Just hand them over.

Look, Joe, don't worry. I'm still

on active duty. I'm building a case.

You're building nothin'.

If I ever hear you've come

within one mile of Reverend Whirley...

I'll have your badge for breakfast!

- Understood?

- Yes, sir.

It was very nice of you to try

and take us out to dinner, Joe.

Yeah. Thanks, Joe, for everything.

Let's not stand around here moping.

I'm hungry! Let's go for chili dogs.

Granny, have you ever eaten a chili dog

off the back of a motorcycle?

Not till now.

You smooth-talking son of a gun.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I'm very sorry

you lost your job, Joe.

I really did have

a very good time.

I'm glad, Connie.

Now, fasten your seat belt.

I can still effect a citizen's arrest.

I don't want to ruin a wonderful evening

by bringing you in on a misdemeanour.

That was a joke.

Oh.

Oh, Joe!

Look at the stars!

Dozens of them.

You know, when I was a little girl...

I used to wish upon

a different star every night...

for that special someone to come along.

Someone with whom

I could share...

everything.

I guess that's not so unusual.

All girls do that, don't they, Joe?

Some guys do, too, Connie.

- Joe?

- That's me.

Was there ever...

anyone else?

Of course there was.

Oh.

Actually, I've only been driving

with Streebek a couple of days.

- Before that I was with Frank.

- That's not what I meant.

Goodness! Earthquake! It's the big one!

Joe, help!

Request Code 3.

Officer in distress.

Assist officer.

I'll handle this. Calm down.

January 9, 8:
37 a.m.

My name's Streebek.

I'm a cop.

I overslept.

Curiously enough, I still hadn't heard

from my anal-retentive ex-partner...

although I was sure he'd be proud to

know I was making a concerted effort...

to personally develop

a close relationship...

with one of my sisters

in the Los Angeles Police Department.

I placed a call

to the virgin Connie Swail...

but according to the girl's mother,

she hadn't come home either.

I don't know what to say, Mrs. Swail.

I'm beginning to be concerned myself.

No, Joe Friday has never

stayed out all night, either.

The day he was born,

his mother had him home by 9:00.

Well, let's both stay in touch

in case we hear from them.

Thank you, Mrs. Swail.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm gonna be late for my stake-out.

As enchanting as Robin was...

I still couldn't get my mind off

what happened to Joe Friday.

For one misguided moment...

I actually pictured my ex-partner

introducing that little cupcake...

to the one piece of equipment that

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes