Drillbit Taylor Page #2

- No, this is good.

At least we know we're not

the biggest dorks in school.

- Please, please, please!

- Maybe we should say something.

It's survival of the fittest.

I've got to say something.

I got to. I have to.

Say something? It's hilarious.

The kid fits in the locker. Come on.

- That's not funny.

- Somebody, help!

This is the dumbest thing

I've ever done.

- Help! Please!

- Stop!

- I mean, you don't have to, but...

- Harry Potter.

You need to keep your big mouth shut.

Yeah, that's what

I've been trying to tell him.

- Hey!

- Run! Everybody run! It's not safe here!

Hey, check this out.

Matching shirt geeks.

Oh, my God.

Yo, Ron, these b*tches

really wanna wear the same shirt.

Let's make them

wear the same shirt, huh?

Sounds good. Yeah.

The fat one here, the skinny one there,

and just let go.

There.

You better keep that sh*t on,

'cause if I see you trying to take it off,

you're dead.

And you know what happens

if one of you dies? Both of you dies.

'Cause you're Siamese queers, b*tches!

That's very cute.

You look like those Velcro monkeys

who hug each other.

How was school, Wade?

We made so many friends,

I can't even remember all their names.

- Great! You got to be in it to win it.

- I am in it!

Great.

Yeah!

- Yeah.

- So school went well, huh?

Oh, it was great.

It couldn't have gone better.

It was the shirt, right?

I'll have to get you more of those.

Hey! What are you doing?

That's my stuff!

This is city property.

Nobody's supposed to be

camping out here.

Your stuff's in the dumpster

around the corner.

That's where I eat! You don't put

a man's belongings where he eats!

- My taxes pay for your salary.

- You don't pay taxes.

- You don't even have a job.

- What else you wanna remind me of?

That I don't have good health care?

That I don't belong to a good gym?

Where's the compassion?

Protect and serve. That's what it says.

- Compassion?

- Yeah, compassion.

You wanna know

what I have compassion for?

The homeless who are mentally ill,

the homeless who are drug-addicted.

Buddy, you're just a jackass.

Oh, guy hits a little bit of bump

in the road and he's a jackass?

Maybe I should go smoke some crack

and get your sympathy.

- Go back to the Village People!

- Back up!

Damn!

All right, today is the first day

of our high school careers.

Yes, it is.

There she is.

That's the girl who came up to me

at my locker.

- Well, make your move.

- What move? I don't have a move.

All right, thanks for signing up.

How're you doing?

Is this your first time signing up

for the Heritage Club?

- Yeah, it is. Okay, bye.

- Bye.

What'd you sign up for?

- Photography and Asian Heritage.

- Asian Heritage, huh?

- I like your commitment.

- Yeah.

- I like it a lot.

- Hey, buddies! Remember me?

- Hi.

- Oh, Jesus H.

Oh, God.

Guys, why aren't you wearing them?

- Why are you talking to us?

- I just wanted to say thank you

for helping me out yesterday and all.

You guys are definitely the type of

people I'm gonna want to hang out with.

- Yeah.

- Hi, I'm Emmit Oosterhaus, by the way.

- Hi.

- Wade. That's T-Dog.

T-Dog? Dude,

that's a really cool nickname.

Hey, can you guys give me a nickname?

We need to ditch this guy.

He's like a stray cat.

Once you feed him,

he'll never go away, okay?

Hey, no secrets, T-Dog.

I'm off to U.S. History.

- U.S. History.

- Hey, look!

The Siamese queers had a baby.

I guess that makes them triplets,

now doesn't it?

Well, actually,

we still wouldn't be triplets, see.

You see, they'd be my parents,

and I'd be the baby.

Don't get smart with me.

I said you're triplets and I think that

you guys need to get into his shirt

- and be triplets.

- We can do that.

You know what? Emmit, shut up.

Look, you really have to

do this crap, guys?

Come on, give us a break.

It's the second day of school.

Hey, I like this kid. Yeah.

Double Stuf's got an attitude.

Yeah. We have to do this sh*t

because it's hilarious.

This school is boring.

Watching you freak out amuses me.

And, yeah, it's just the second day

of school. So guess what?

It's gonna keep coming

and coming and coming!

Party time!

- Stop peeing on me!

- Wait! Wait! No!

He pissed himself. What a loser.

Help.

Help me!

- Is that Mario Lopez, dude?

- Whoever he is, he's cute!

Take his pants off! Pants off!

- Up, down, up...

- Write your name!

No! Please, don't! No! Don't!

Bernie?

- Come on, give me one match, here.

- That's funny.

- All I need is one.

- Yeah, I like it.

- Will you just give up?

- Damn it! Look at that.

God, I can't even get one card!

Not one thing!

State of California just robbed me, Don.

You saw it.

You'd think... Where's my quarter?

Did you see my...

- You're always looking at me.

- Is the pill bottle... I forget,

- is that the castle or is that a rook?

- Don, did you just take my quarter?

No, I didn't take your quarter, Drillbit.

Not my fault you can't keep track

of your finances.

I don't know why you're spending all

your money on this dumb stuff, anyway.

You're unbelievable.

I got to get out of here.

You know,

I can't take this anymore, man.

Rich people don't like us,

and the tourists are scared of us.

- When they see Bernie, they're terrified.

- Terrified.

They're not scared of me, I'm sexy.

- Sanitizer?

- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

I just get... I'm like a bird.

I just wanna fly north. I want to...

I'd like to go to Canada.

What was it last year? I think it was,

- "I was gonna go to Iceland."

- Reykjavk.

- No, no.

- Where's that?

Yeah, but the thing about Canada,

if you go high enough north...

- That's right.

...the government pays you

- to take the land.

- That's the truth.

Yeah. Lookit, man,

the beer's twice as strong.

They don't lock the doors,

that should appeal to a man like you.

And what about

a British Columbian girl?

Does that sound like

a pretty potent mix?

Yeah, that's not too bad.

I kind of like that.

Okay, now, man, check this out.

One-way flight to Canada, $287.

You got to throw in 50 bucks for bribing,

what're they called,

- the Federales, the...

- Mounties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Mounties.

Another...

I want a good winter jacket, 80 bucks.

So we're talking $387 and it's a new

life for your old hombre, Drillbit.

I dig it, man. Follow the dream.

Chase that thing.

How you gonna come up

with that kind of money, though?

Get a job.

I was an Army Ranger.

There are a lot of people dying for that.

Watch this kid play Hendrix.

He really jams. Look at him.

Oh, yeah, there he goes.

Yeah, I like how he looks

a little bit like Hendrix.

Yeah! I'm gonna give him a buck.

- I'll give him a couple bucks.

- A buck? Give him a compliment, man!

Give me a buck!

Why is he in my house?

Are we trying to attract

after-school bullies?

I'm here because

Wade invited me to be here.

Because I'm your friend now.

This fantasy land you live in,

Emmit, are there rides?

Stop picking on him, all right?

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