Drillbit Taylor Page #3

This is our guy.

I don't want him to be our guy.

Well, the good news is, I think I found

a solution to our problems.

- Kill Emmit?

- No, bear with me.

This might sound stupid,

but I was on the Internet last night

and there's a bunch of sites where

we can hire a professional bodyguard.

- What do you mean by bodyguard?

- Like he beats up kids that bother us.

A bodyguard? Wade,

that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

We should just be men

and fight these kids!

Are you serious?

Of course not. I've never been in a fight.

Have you seen those

high school fights on YouTube?

Kids are brutal.

He gave us an earthquake

when we were peeing in the urinal.

He shoved me in a locker.

And he put my head in his shirt

and called us Siamese queers.

How's that funny?

It's not funny. It's just, it's rare that,

you know,

kids say things that surprise me.

Siamese queers.

I'd never heard that one.

- What would you like me to do?

- We really just want it to stop.

So are they pretty much free to say

whatever they want?

Or am I allowed to defend myself?

Oh, no. Principal Doppler,

I thought this was gonna be anonymous.

In this country, we give the accused

the chance to face his accusers.

Terry, come over here for a second,

will you?

Now we've known each other for...

Yeah, have a seat.

- What's your take on this?

- Hey, guys, hey. How's it going?

Be polite! There you go.

- Wade.

- Hi.

Hey, T-Dog. Give me a pound.

Yeah. Principal Doppler, sir,

I was really excited

about starting this new school year.

I'm not gonna lie.

Who knows?

I, maybe, was hazing them a little bit,

but I'm sorry.

I really am.

You know, I appreciate you taking

responsibility. It's refreshing.

- He doesn't mean it!

- We need to call his parents in.

- Now.

- He doesn't have any parents.

Well, not in this country, anyway.

They live in Hong Kong.

- He's an emancipated minor.

- What does that mean?

It means he's legally an adult.

He answers to no one.

He's above the law.

- What a nightmare, huh?

- Yeah.

Oh, crap.

Oh, no.

- Run.

- Go! Go!

- Run! Go, go!

- Hurry.

Wait for me!

Go, go!

- Do you think he sees us?

- No.

Open the door! Open the door!

What do they want?

Just keep driving, Mom.

It's none of our business.

Let's go, let's go!

Have you guys lost your mind?

Come on, let's go!

Go, go, come on!

- Come on.

- Oh, no!

- Run! Run!

- Go!

Get them, baby!

There! The garage!

You gonna rat on me, boys?

Try to get my parents involved

in this situation?

Now I have to make it my mission

to destroy you punks!

Hey! You kids get the hell off

my property!

I'm gonna give you three seconds,

then I'm getting my shotgun!

- No!

- You better get out of here right now!

- Please don't!

- No! Please!

One! Two! Three!

- Go! Go!

- And stay out, you gang bangers!

Charles, chai latte up.

- Hey! Get off my computer!

- Keep your shirt on.

Come on.

If this doesn't work,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

When it works,

you're going to kiss my ass.

How are we gonna know

which one's the bodyguard?

Have you ever done

this kind of thing before?

I worked for the hardest gangstas

in the world.

Kee Lo-Lo, Chenobee.

Hell, I still work for Tupac,

even though he dead.

I am Israeli Military Secret Service

Antiterrorist Squad.

So when I kill this kid,

do you want me to do it quickly,

- or do you want him to suffer?

- Suffer.

If you hire Tiger's Protection Services,

not only do you get the Tiger,

but you get the protection

of his entire pride.

Do you like hip-hop?

What the hell you implying

I like hip-hop for?

'Cause I'm dressed this way?

I like country. You like country?

That's the kind of music I like. Alabama.

Gimme some of that.

Some Brooks and Dunn.

The Dixie Chicks, b*tch.

Kids hiring a bodyguard

to take care of a bully?

Stupidest thing I ever heard.

Back in my day, if a kid was getting

beat up, it was called childhood.

Pick somebody, anybody.

I'll go beat their ass

right here, right now, and then you can

ask them for a goddamned reference.

How about you, lady?

I'll kick your ass right now!

Close. Closed.

- Yeah!

- This is very disturbing.

You want an ass kicking?

What do you do

when you're not body guarding?

I work at Raging Waters.

I sense great hesitation.

Wait one moment. Excuse me.

I'm going to borrow this.

- Please don't do that.

- Oh, God damn!

- $2,100 a week.

- $10,000 a week.

- $2,100 a week.

- $10,000 a week.

We're hoping you'd say, like,

around $100.

- Not interested.

- I hate kids like you.

I can't help you. No one can help you!

- Susan, your double espresso's up.

- I'm Susan.

I'm Drillbit Taylor.

U.S. Army Ranger, black ops operative,

decorated marksman,

- improvised weapons expert.

- Are you still in the military?

I was discharged.

Unauthorized heroism.

Yeah. They call it an army of one

in the ads, but they don't mean it.

Unless they mean the whole army

working together as one.

But they certainly don't want one man

out there kicking ass

like an army of one,

which is the way I took it.

As a bodyguard

I protected three Vice Presidents,

Bobby Brown, Sylvester Stallone...

Not as tough as he looks.

So what's the story?

Who do you guys need protection from?

It should be easy for you.

Just a high school bully.

Yeah. Run into a few of those in my life.

- What'd you do to provoke him?

- Well, he's fat, and he's a dork,

- and I'm awesome.

- Shut up, Wade.

By "awesome" do you mean

scared, skinny and Ionely?

Yeah.

Yeah.

- So how do we know you're legit?

- Come here. Go on, come here.

I'm not gonna bite.

I want you to look at my eyes.

Take a good look.

Come here! What do you see?

You looking?

- What the hell have you seen?

- You want some?

These eyes have seen

unspeakable horror.

That's my evidence.

That's how you know if a guy's legit.

You need some evidence, too?

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark

near the Tannhauser Gate.

Isn't that Blade Runner?

Look closely 'cause it's all in there.

Boo!

So, how much do you charge?

$387 a week.

- One second.

- I say yes.

I'm not even sure if I'm available.

- He's good.

- No! No! He's weird.

You know, we might be able

to work up to that.

But right now, we've only got $83.

Okay, well, give me that now

and we'll figure out the rest later.

You know what this is?

It's a wing.

And you're under it.

All three of you, right there.

Okay, here's the mission plan.

Using my expertise at stealthy

and covert ops, I'll infiltrate the school

where I will watch over you

like the Lord almighty himself.

Careful.

Like the good Lord,

I'm gonna use some mysterious ways,

so you're not always gonna see me,

but I'll be there.

Especially when you don't see me.

But first, I'm gonna need some supplies.

- I want to go in and get...

- Like nunchucks?

Maybe.

But a lot of stuff, I'll just get from

just what's laying around the house.

You'd be surprised.

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