Drive Me Crazy Page #4

"Go! Fight! Win!"

I about choked.

I bow down to the king of scams.

I'd like to thank the Academy.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Think you could stand anymore?

- Well, what did you have in mind?

Cruising Broad Street.

I thought you had to have

a letterjacket for that.

That's just to nail cheerleaders.

Don't worry.

you'll fit right in.

Bad-ass ride, Chase.

yeah, every time

Halley's Comet flies,

my dad lets me take it

out of the garage.

I had to leave a spleen on deposit.

Well, if Alicia sees it,

she's gonna wanna jump you.

yeah, what's the deal

with that chick?

Word on the street,

she sleeps in a casket.

- "Word on the street"?

- Yeah, the chick's evil.

Evil's a bit strong.

Limited bullshit tolerance

is more like it, but you're a guy.

- you wouldn't understand.

- (horn honks)

Boy:
Time Zone... 70,

losers... 68.

Whoo-hoo!

- Honk your horn, Hambone!

- (horns honking)

- Honk, Chase.

- (honks horn)

- Whoo! Go Tigers!

- (tires screeching)

I wouldn't understand what?

Well, when guys compete,

it's overt.

you know, ringing a bell

with a sledgehammer

or loogie chucking,

the size of your engine, whatever.

yeah?

Well, when girls compete, it's art.

And Alicia, she's an artist.

# But it's the only thing #

- # I wanna do... #

- (Chase groans)

- (increases volume)

- This is the good part.

- # I don't wanna sleep... #

- Come on, you know you like it.

# I just wanna keep on

loving you... #

Chase:
No, bad.

- (groaning)

- # Baby, I'm gonna keep on #

- # Loving you... #

- Come on. Come on.

# 'Cause it's the only thing

I wanna do #

# I don't wanna sleep #

# I just wanna keep on

loving you. #

Nicole.

Psst, Nicole.

Are you and Chase Hammond

a couple?

I saw you cruising together.

He's my next-door neighbor.

Okay, so he's not your boyfriend

or anything, right?

Mr. Maris.

That hurts, baby.

Tell me about it.

Come for a ride with me.

- So, any special boy these days?

- Not likely.

I have some pretty serious trust issues

when it comes to the male sex.

I wonder where it comes from.

I want you to have this.

This might explain me better than I can.

"Zen and the Art

of Motorcycle Maintenance"?

This is supposed to explain

why you're never around?

Wow!

Must be a hell of a book.

First two weeks of November

I am going to a huge

ballooning festival in Rio.

I want you to come.

This is the trip of a lifetime.

What do you say?

Oh, there's this little centennial thing

I'm kind of involved in,

but, well, you wouldn't know

anything about it.

yeah, 14 times.

- Hey, Nicole?

- Yeah.

Hi. I'm... I'm...

you're in charge of bands

for the centennial, right?

- I am.

- (rock music playing)

# See that boy,

he looks so fine #

# But he's got a girlfriend,

my, oh, my #

# Go, go, go! #

- What's this?

- It's the Electrocutes.

- It's the best band in town.

- Stylish.

- Thanks.

- you made this?

Ray:
yeah.

So, how do you like the band?

They rock, but I doubt

they're up on their Brandy.

Brandy?

There's a sister with edge.

That's the direction

the committee's going, Ray...

quality with mass appeal.

- Ray:
Can you say oxymoron?

- (explosion)

My brothers!

Oh, look, Dave.

It's Ken doll.

yeah, aren't you losing

reputation points

just being this close to us?

Hey, guys, I'm pulling off

the biggest scam of all time,

and I'm catching sh*t?

Don't you see?

I've entered into their world.

Ooh, did you leave bread crumbs?

Glow in the dark.

Hey, Electrocutes tonight

at the Pit.

yeah, I'll be there. Wait.

- I told Nicole that...

- yeah, it's a scam, all right,

- but who's scamming who?

- Whom.

- Whatever, man.

- Think about it, Chase.

you have all the duties of a girlfriend

and none of the perks.

You're not getting

any perks, are you?

Hey, Hambone,

you're coming tonight, right, man?

- Oh, yeah, we'll be there.

- All right, man!

- Hambone?

- He really has entered their world.

Girls:
14 times!

No, seriously,

who would you rather do,

Agent Scully or Gillian Anderson?

They're the same person,

brainiac.

Eddie, please.

Hambone?

Flakey, self-absorbed,

neurotic actress type

or gun-toting,

badass FBI agent

with years of pent-up

sexual frustration?

- Not even close.

- My man.

What I wouldn't do to Scully.

I'm sure she's been

drooled on before.

Jealous.

P.A. Announcer:

Order number nine is up.

Number nine. Number nine.

Can you believe

that the assistant manager

of our basketball team actually has

his own "X-Files" website?

And he invited me over to his house

to check it out.

His name's Dave.

What?

Oh, you know, man.

Designated Dave.

You know,

the safe ride guy, right?

No, it's not Designated Dave.

It's plain Dave.

No "designated."

Just Dave.

All right, plain Dave it is.

Chase, I left my bag in the car.

Help me find it?

(laughing)

So, what was that about, huh?

Dave probably saved half their lives,

and they're making fun of him.

- Typical.

- Typical of what?

Is this more "us/them" rhetoric?

- Well, if the tiara fits...

- Come on, Chase.

Can you honestly tell me

you've never made fun

of those people over there?

No, that's different.

- How?

- Think about it.

We laugh when it's the boss

or the debutante

who slipped on a banana peel,

not Tiny Tim.

Oh, so you're calling Dave

"Tiny Tim"?

- Don't do that.

- It's okay for you to put him down.

I don't need this, not from you.

you're better than this.

What makes you say that?

Fifth grade...

the first year the teachers

start making us

write Valentines to each other.

- yeah.

- Dave got one card.

"I'm bananas about you.

Love, Nicole."

How do you remember that?

- I just do. I'm out of here.

- Don't.

Look, if you leave mad,

it sets us back.

It doesn't set me back.

Don't know how I got myself into this.

So far, the payback's

been minimal.

It's all about you...

your friends and your turf.

- My turf?

- Nicole.

Okay. you're right.

First, come back.

Be the charmer

we both know you can be.

And then we'll go

wherever you wanna go.

Wherever I want?

(rock music playing)

# I'm ready to rip it up, yeah #

# I'm ready to let it go #

# yeah, I gotta turn up the action #

# And get some rock and roll #

# Don't got no time to waste #

# I'm a rockin' mass

ready to blow #

# 'Cause I'm gonna be

chasing the night #

# So turn up the radio #

# 'Cause I'm gonna be

out on the street #

# yeah, we're gonna

be out all night #

# We're gonna be checking it out #

# All right, all right! #

# 'Cause I'm gonna be

out of my mind #

# yeah, I'm gonna be

out of my head... #

Liz, Drena,

you know Nicole.

yeah, from the slumber party

last weekend.

- We painted each other's toenails.

- Look, why don't you girls just...

And then we played

Truth or Dare, remember?

you two admitted

liking Alanis Morissette

before the record went platinum.

- I never liked Alan...

- You did, too.

- So where's Dulcie?

- She'll probably be by later.

Did that hurt?

Not as much as this.

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