Drowning by Numbers Page #2

mushrooms.

I've got to

lie down.

For God's sake Madgett, why

have you have to feel ill now?

Look I'm going to phone Cissy, tell

her that Nancy needs a visit.

Madgett I've got to

talk to you about Jake.

Oh Cissy, I can't

talk now, I feel ill.

Tell Smut when he comes back

I need some warm milk

and some lemon juice...

and a straw.

In the game of

sheep and tides,

a referee should be appointed

to determine fair-play

distinguishing correct reactions

from other interferences.

On account of their special

relationship with sheep

shepherds are disqualified..

The tides on

the turn now!

No, not yet.

No, you fool!

No you

missed it!

You can't go by the book.

You have to watch...

very carefully.

What happened?

I drowned him

in his bath.

Oh God!

Come and see,

it looks natural.

Madgett, you are going to help me,

pull yourself together.

I am?

and what is

in it for me?

Madgett, you're coroner.

For God's sake stop reminding me...

but that's nice.

Try a bit lower.

Shall I leave now? While you two

come to some sort of agreement?

Don't be stupid.

I couldn't find

any lemon juice,

you'll have to do with one

chocolate pudding.

Oh Madgett...oh

come on Madgett

Cissy

I'm in no especial hurry

to assist your crimes.

Madgett, there's a

corpse in my house.

It's only

your husband.

The flies are

settling on him.

Brush them off,

use a newspaper.

Madgett, I want

legal aid, not a fly swat.

A great many things are dying

very violently all the time.

The best days for violent

deaths are Tuesdays

they are the

yellow paint days.

Saturdays are

second best, or worst.

Saturdays are

red paint days.

The Great Death

game is therefore

a contest between red paint

days and yellow paint days.

So far yellow paint

days are winning

by thirty one corpses

to twenty nine.

Whatever the colour,

a violent death is always

celebrated by a firework.

He is dead.

Well done, Madgett !

What did

he die of?

Well....he drowned.

- Did he?

- Of course

Why did

he die?

There's a strong

smell of alcohol.

So there is.

He drowned

in his bath,

due to

excessive drinking?

Unlikely.

Even in the most

disadvantageous circumstances,

human beings have an almost

involuntary desire to stay alive.

What's the

answer then?

- What's the reward?

- Reward?

Yes

What do I get for writing out

a death certificate that says :

"Death caused by drowning

after heart attack due to excessive drinking"?

Madgett I'm appalled!

I see.

What do you

want Madgett?

Well Cissy...

I'd have thought

you'd have guessed.

No, you tell me.

Is this the moment

when we leave the room?

Yes. The second

tub needs emptying.

Well?

Well...

A little bodily comfort

would be good for a start...

Madgett, I am

sixty one.

Aren't I too

old for you?

Were you too

old for him?

Cissy

You've not been unaware

of how I felt about you?

Well it's a bit

soon isn't it?

Smut which are you first?

A ghoul or a mathematician?

Neither I'm

just a clerk.

Modest!

I could wait...

a little while...

I think you'd have to,

to stop tongues wagging.

But not too long.

This is blackmail.

Yes.

If a player in the game of Dead

Man's Catch, drops a skittle

he is obliged to suffer a

succession of handicaps

First

to catch using one hand

then to catch

kneeling on one knee

then on two knees,

and then with one eye closed.

If a player finally drops a

catch with both eyes closed,

then he is out and must take

his place in the winding sheet.

Madgett, what sort

of game is this?

One to be

played with skill.

Some skill!

It's kids game..

That was a lousy

throw Smut.

Stop complaining

and use one hand.

Look Madgett this is no

time for playing games,

What would

everybody think?

Let them think

what they like.

Is Cissy upset?.

Best to keep her mind occupied,

down on one knee , Bellamy.

These are my best trousers!

I came to pay my respects.

Well you can pay your

respects kneeling.

I can't spend all my times

paying games Cissy.

What's your time

worth Hardy?

I was married to Jake for 34 years,

surely you can spare him a few minutes.

Is he going to be buried

or cremated Cissy?

Cremated.

and where are you going

to scatter the ashes?

Don't worry,

I'll find a suitable place for those.

You're hard

hearted.

and you're a lousy catch,

no eyes and no hands!

Into the winding sheet

Hardy, you're dead.

God you're a

little ghoul Smut.

Who is your

father?

No hands

Bellamy.

Alright! You did that

on purpose Smut !

Into the winding sheet, Bellamy.

It's only a game.

The way Madgett plays it you'd

think it meant something

Well of course it does.

It means you're

a lousy catch.

So, Madgett,

what's the verdict?

Accidental

death of course.

Into the winding

sheet Smut !

Into the winding

sheet Madgett !

I've found you

three more stars.

Cygnia Beta, Castor Minor

and Groombridge 35.

There in the North,

between the twins and Ursula Minor,

Over by

Cissy's house.

Why don't you skip out on

the road? There's more room.

Are you circumcised?

What's that?

A piece of your willy is

cut off, it's in the bible.

My mother says, it's

better that way.

These are the photos of Madgett's game

for taking Jake to the funeral parlour.

Who is that?

It's Cissy's boyfriend,

His name is Bellamy.

On his deathbed,

Prime Minister Pitt said :

"I think I could eat one

of Bellamy's pork pies."

When are you going to break away

from that butt and come and live with me.

I'll marry you on

two conditions.

What are they?

That you learn

to swim...

and never,

never, take me

from the front.

I've told

you before.

Why the

hell not?

because I can't stand being lain on

and it gives me claustrophobia.

Besides,

you won't

hurt the baby.

What baby?

That scared you

didn't it?

What baby?

There's no baby you dope, though the way

you go about it I'm constantly surprised.

Fancy a plumber not

being able to swim.

What's water for?

Drinking perhaps?

Alright Cissy, why

did you do it?

Because he was

unfaithful.

He's been unfaithful before,

why did you wait until now?

Because

Because he'd stopped

washing his feet... because...

his nose was

too red...

because he had a

hairy backside...

because...

I didn't kill him,

he drowned.

I drowned him.

- Was it easy?

- Yes

What is it?

What is it?

Oh Smut!

What have

you found?

How old

is Nancy?

Older than me

and bigger tits.

What does

that mean?

It means Jake made

a play for me once.

He what?

and me.

What a dirty

old man.

Why have you

told me now?

It might help.

I didn't

like him.

Is that sufficient

reason to drown him?

Madgett says it is.

That's pretty irresponsible

for a coroner.

Isn't it?

If you ask him nicely he might be

irresponsible enough to help you.

That's Smut

We lose one,

win one.

What?

A husband.

I've got some

news for you.

Bellamy and me...

or is it "I"?

have decided on a date,

the 31st of this month.

It's a Saturday.

Well you don't look

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes