Drowning by Numbers Page #5

Get me out.

You think I

can't do it?

Start drowning

you dope.

You haven't

a chance.

That was a preliminary,

here comes the real attempt.

It must be your money

that keeps you afloat.

You and your belly

are stubborn.

Please, I can't

move my legs

Help

Help please

Leave me now.

I want to be

alone with him.

We can't

leave you.

Yes you can

he's my husband

Where is your phone?

It's alright, you must

let me phone the police.

or the ambulance

or the fire brigade

and the coroner.

Are you sure you're

going to be alright?

If you want a witness

our name is Van Dyke.

Mr 70 and Mr 71 Van Dyke.

Smut go and

get the tea.

You women are getting

too proficient at this.

We aim to please

the coroner.

The body is

already undressed.

I did not imagine he went

swimming with his clothes on

Doesn't it make

it easier for you?

Nothing you do makes

it easier for me.

You've got to stop.

One is just possible,

two is very unlikely.

You have no prerogative

on drowning.

The coroners office

is inviolate

- Not violation.

- Yeah of course it's not.

Don't be so

melodramatic Madgett.

I feel ill.

Why do you always feel

ill at times like this?

It's the excitement,

it goes to my stomach.

Haha Id have thought you'd

have got over that by now.

It's only with

special cases.

Drownings?

Yes, and the women.

Women?

Yeah, and personal

involvements.

Haven't you heard

of coincidence?

I've heard

of it.

Doesn't it

appeal to you?

Only as an idea, not

as a police enquiry

Cissy

Where did

it happen?

On the beach.

Could you say where

exactly on the beach.

Oh it's covered now

with the tide.

Smut you haven't brought

your red paint?

No Cissy, today's Tuesday,

Tuesday's colour is yellow.

I am bound to say that I could try and

revive him even now, it has been know...

Don't be stupid

Madgett and don't try.

The man's name is

Hardy and not Lazarus.

Now let us turn to

page 72. Jean, 11

verse 23.

Jesus says unto them... :

my brother

I shouldn't take

it too seriously.

A great many things are dying

very violently all the time.

Ask Smut.

Small comfort

Madgett.

On the contrary,

I'd say a great relief.

Well I'd rather be alive and

alone than dead in company.

What are you

doing that for?

Smut... he quite liked Hardy...

and there's been a robbery

at the fireworks factory.

Water!

Hail Mary!

- Bloody hell, Madgett!

- Cissy!

Oh god there's those two

runners from the beach

and Nancy.

Hardy's mother,

Jake's cousin

I wonder what they're

planning now?

It's one conspiracy

against another.

Yours against theirs, yours

to drown and theirs to prosecute.

Bloody hell there's Bellamy

and he hates funerals.

I'm going to find out

what he's doing.

No don't

do that.

Drive on Madgett,

We don't want to get into a lot of

arguments with all this water over our heads.

Then this woman tipped a bowl of sugar and

a bottle of lemonade over his typewriter.

He went for a swim in the sea and

because he had eaten too much

he got stomach

cramps and drowned.

She gave him the kiss

of life but it didn't work.

She knew it

wouldn't.

She cut all his hair of with a pair

of blunt scissors, just like Delilah.

This game's called hangman's cricket

What's that

about hangmen?

It's a game of cricket, you

really need 75 players.

six sides of 12

and 3 umpires.

Have you got any

more of these?

Hundreds.

- Where do they come from?

- I've taken them

You've taken them?

I don't believe you

What was all

that about?

- Nothing, he's a friend of my mothers.

- I'm going to another party tonight.

A dance hall over-looking

the sea with lights.

We'd have crab paste,

sprats in batter

and be sick in

air-line bags

We're each going to be given a

black rabbit as a going home present.

How come a non-swimmer belongs

to a water tower conspiracy Bellamy??

What?

A water

tower conspiracy.

You've noticed?

Come on!

It's just a convenient

place to meet.

What and is there

a subscription list?

Yes

All those that think the

Colpitt's deaths are not accidental.

I guessed

that much.

What do you intend

doing about it?

For a start get

Madgett investigated.

That sounds business like, are you

going to alert the water board?

- Poor cows.

- Bloody hell.

This is no blood,

it's red paint!

That little ghoul's

been here already!

I thought I could

smell gun powder...

I thought it was

the smell of death.

It's too early for

that yet...

Bellamy, this

conspiracy of yours...

Do you regard me

as an accessory?

'cause if I am I better

get rid of you quick.

I'd like to

see you try.

I don't think you're allowed

to screw your wife in prison.

So I suggest that if you

are seriously thinking of it..

you make good use

of my free time now.

- Kiss my back side.

- No

Not here

you fool!

Why not?

Alright Smut, try

the hawthorns.

Well Cissy

Will you

marry me?

No Madgett.

I could never

marry a coroner.

I could never be sure that

you'd washed your hands.

Besides, how could I

trust a game player?

I'm not playing games

at this particular moment.

Well you're far more entertaining

when you are Madgett.

Besides, you're far more valuable

to me as a friend

than a coroner.

How about

as a lover?

Well

I admit to

drowning Hardy,

possibly for not being

a satisfactory lover.

Give or take an inch you

could get into his trousers,

but I don't think I drowned him

so that you could get into his bed.

Cissy is looking for

a father figure.

But much as I dislike Bellamy, don't go

getting ideas, remember. You're a coroner.

All coroners see

are corpses.

Well they won't

reject you.

Tell me Madgett, have you ever fallen

in love with one of your corpses?

Yes, several.

Did you ever...

do anything?

I once kissed an old lady of 82...

on the forehead.

She was twice

my age.

Is that all? Was

she the only one?

No but I'm not

saying any more.

Oh really Madgett!

Tell me.

I once sat up all night

with a young girl who had

been run over by cows.

There wasn't a mark on her but

her skull had been fractured.

She was 19.

She had blonde hair

and bright blue eyes.

If she was dead how could

you see the colour of her eyes?

Ah well that was the problem. I

couldn't bring myself to close themr.

They were beautiful.

So what

did you do?

I sat next to her

and held her hand...

and I'm not saying anymore but

I wasn't invited to the funeral.

I tell you what,

you can come to mine.

I'm inviting you

now, and...

I don't mind on the whole if

you take a few liberties.

as long as they're

not too gross.

Infact if I was very old I'd

probably be very flattered.

I would prefer to be encouraged

to take liberties now.

Well I certainly don't

feel like it at the moment.

My reputation is at stake thanks

to you and your mother

and I'm quite sure that Smut

would not want a father who's...

...an accomplice

to murder.

He understands.

Coroners need corpses.

Like grave diggers

need corpses.

Notice how Sid follows him

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