Drowning by Numbers Page #4

and judy shows on lonely bachelors

nor do I run a bordello

for newly weds.

If the phone rings, or if

someone breaks their leg

or if you decide to play a proper

game I'll be in the sea swimming!

Hardy's right.

This is my wedding party, why

can't we play some proper cricket.

To dangerous!

The maiden is always

obliged to be a spectator

unless she is

partnered by the twins.

Good afternoon, remember us?

We're the Bognor brothers, I'm Jonah

- and I'm Moses.

- I remember

We'd like a word with you.

In private

if possible.

Well what the hell do you know about cricket?

it's no more dangerous than any other game.

Australia.

A blow to

the chest.

Scores 51 runs, then has heart

palpitations for 12 hours...

a cracked rib enters the

lung, coughing blood

dies the next day in bed with a

blonde surfer called Adeline.

Summer of 52. Blow to the

top of the head... coma...

His last know words are :

"Bugger Bognor".

No sorry that was

Edward the seventh.

Sorry chaps, no offence.

What's a matter with

Madgett? He hates cricket.

He's showing off.

He likes acting...

He might just be distracting everyone

from what's happening....

in the sea.

The business man can

be saved if he submits...

to a red queen

but in doing so he

must pay a forfit.

It's alright, it's

alright mother...Cissy

Get them out of here and

go and find some scissors.

I'm alright mother just leave

me alone I just want to be still.

If you have a hangman you

have to pair with a judge...

By the time we've learnt

your rules it'll be dark.

Anything worth learning

takes a little time.

Cut my hair

I'll feel better

You eat

too much.

The full flavour of the game of

hangman's cricket, is best appreciated

after the game has been

played for several hours.

By then every player has a

fair understanding of the many rules

and knows which character

he wants to play permanently.

Finally an outright

loser is found,

and is obliged to present

himself to the hangman

who is always merciless.

I haven't

found 54 yet.

Send her a horse chesnut tree

in Nightingale Lane.

Here it's near a

water hydrant.

Then Delilah cut off

Samson's hair, I think.

At a large party he summoned

up the last of his strength

held onto two pillars and

pulled the house down.

His last words were -

"and take good care of Nelly"

Who is Nelly?

This is Nelly

Although she sometimes

insists on being called Nancy.

It was Charles the second

His last words were -

"and take good care of Nelly"

Who told you that?

My mother, she said she'd

wished she'd been Nell Gwynne

Because she'd liked to

have serviced Charles II.

You really could skip

more out on the road.

The rope wouldn't slap on

the doorstep that way.

My mother says

I'm not to go out.

It's dangerous, there

are evil men about.

Hold still.

Alright next.

Off stump crease

Left handed bat

Left arm bowler.

New ball....soft ground

off spinner...oh

Too low.

Difficult to see how the ball hit him there but still.

Tolly Schriker, 1931.

Scored 58 runs with

one eye closed,

before falling down

pavilion steps.

Died in "Brisbane Municipal??"

another black cross.

Hold still.

Smut, pour Cissy

a cup of tea.

Oh don't bother, I'll pour if

you're busy playing cricket

Bellamy has given

me this idea

for a book of

cricketing deaths

games can be

very dangerous

Madgett you

could talk with Cissy

Why could I?

Marrying Bellamy isn't the best

thing she could've done

A bit

late now.

Why saddle herself

with his lechery?

Are you against lechery?

You know

I'm not.

How do I

know that?

You don't.

Try along

that hedge.

May I kiss

you?

If you like

just here though

Oh that's chaste.

Please believe I appreciate

your attentions,

but you'll have

to wait a little while.

and who knows, your

prospects might improve.

Cissy's more your age.

But don't go getting

ideas about Hardy

This time I'm not

playing games.

Don't you?

It's impossible

to tell with you

I don't think you really

know yourself do you?

May I see what I've

always wanted to see?

What is that?

You, without

any clothes on.

What a strange desire.

That's a strange

game Madgett.

Is it?

and here is certainly

not the time and place.

Are you going to the

police if I don't co-operate.

I might.

There was a man at Pulham Market,

who died in his car.

He was wealthy, a farmer.

He drove his car into

a wood near Thomstot

turned off the engine,

made himself comfortable

and quietly died.

I could find absolutely

nothing wrong with him.

I expect he died of unrequited love.

Is that what you do when you

can't find a reason for death.

write - "died of unrequited love"

In his case I wrote

"heart attack after bowls match"

Trust you to

put a game in.

You didn't stay long..

Where is

your torch.

I lost it.

What do you mean?

I'll come and

get it tomorrow

Did you catch

anything interesting?

Nothing much.

Lets go to my place and

I'll make some supper.

When you want something Hardy

how do you ask for it?

I say please.

Please Hardy

can we have a f***.

Or if I'm in the office I'll pick

up the phone and dial 9.

Emergency, which service...

All I get is the police the ambulance or

the fire brigade, which one do you want.

- Do you want to speak to them?

- No thank you

Which service

do you require?

I'm sorry there is no fire, accident,

burglary, rape or murder.

yet

thank you

But don't go away because

we might need you.

I usually find that

one 9 suffices.

and if it doesn't

I write a note.

- A memorandum

- Yes

Well I suppose

I could try that

and if pressed, you know very well

I'll do the best I can to oblige.

- You're so considerate

- You're so imaginative

Well I have to be

for the two of us

Mind the juice doesn't

stain the sofa.

Show me

your tongue.

Just as I thought, it's yellow.

Does that mean

I'm unwell.

What do

you think?

A little colouring goes a long way

artificial colouring can be dangerous.

So can too much

abstinence

Hardy

Now I need

warming up.

My mother says

that hot tea

on a hot day

can make a body

feel very cool.

You're about to

make some tea?

I'm not

that thirsty.

What does your mother

say about swimming?

Reading between

the lines,

I'd say she's made at least one public

statement about bodies in water.

You Colpitt's women always have a lot of

trouble with men, why do you think that is?

I'll leave you to

think about that.

Oh I always think much

better in the bath.

I wonder if it was

the same with Jake?

I don't think Jake was

much of a thinking man.

I'm going for a swim.

Hope you drown.

Thank you.

You can look after

the typewriter.

Bugger your typewriter!

K.I.S.S.

M.E.

H.A.R.D.

Stupid bloody idiot.

What's the matter?

My stomach.

Don't fool around,

just get me out.

- I've just ruined your very best typewriter.

- You what?

and now I'm going to do

my best to drown you.

The Colpitt prerogative.

You're so stubborn

you won't sink

Get me out,

for god's sake.

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