Drunk Wedding Page #2

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You forgot one of the bags

down at reception.

Thanks for doing that, baby.

Guy just tried to sell me hookers.

Getting that good stuff, you know.

Here's to the end of a long career.

To my man, Seabiscuit.

There were girls in high school

that never knew his real name.

Do not say that name around Elissa.

- Give me that.

- Okay.

You really done everything

you've wanted to do?

Dude, my life now is so much better.

That's bullshit.

Did you ever bang twins, you know?

You ever f***ed in a boat?

You ever had a golden shower?

Golden shower?

Some chick peeing on you?

Hey, it's all about

having life experiences, guys.

Yeah, Jon, have you ever

seduced a vagrant?

Do not rob yourself

of life experiences, Jon.

Cal will back me up on this.

I'm sure you could find

plenty of down-on-their-luck vagrants

in this seaport town.

Let's just have a great time.

F***ing Phil.

What? Come on.

- He's sweet.

- Okay.

No, he is a motherfucking p*ssy.

- Let me tell you something, guys.

- I don't know how I feel about that.

- Let me tell you something.

- Okay. What?

He has been faking orgasm.

What?

- Yeah, he's been faking.

- Oh, God.

How do you even know

that he's faking it?

Because I checked.

- Your vagina?

- No, I didn't check my vagina.

I used a condom,

and I checked in the condom,

and there was no cream in the Twinkie.

Sounds like you're not turning him on.

Do you know

how to get him in the mood?

Yeah. I don't need help, thank you.

This is Nica, baby.

We in Nica, boys.

Let's get crazy!

Come on, this is sacred territory.

- Hello, I'm sorry.

- Come in.

- I'll see you in a bit.

- Golden shower, baby.

Give it a chance.

So, we took this ski trip to Vermont.

I was in my room

about to bang this hot-ass waitress

that had the biggest f***ing titties

you've ever seen.

Ivan comes in with a f***ing camera

and ruined the whole damn thing.

Payback's a b*tch, bro.

You guys hear that shower? Right?

Classic Ivan. All through college

he'd run the shower

while he was having sex with Sarah

so nobody would hear him.

Come. Come.

Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What the phooey, bro.

What the f*** are you doing?

- Shut the f*** up.

- What are you doing?

Get the f*** out of here.

Are you jacking off?

No. What? Are you crazy?

- Look, it was just...

- Guys, get out!

- Get out! Get out.

- Don't touch me.

- Go, go, go. Get the f*** out.

- She touched me.

- Were you jacking off?

- No, I'm not even...

- You get out!

- Can you do it for camera?

- Just get the f*** out of here.

- What were you doing?

Come on.

- F***ing two hands?

- Get out!

Did you see that?

She just rocked the door frame.

I don't know anybody

that does it two-handed.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

I'm in there all hot and wet, and hoping

maybe you'll come in after me.

- I didn't know...

- Instead you're out here

watching f***ing porn?

- It's just porn.

- Old poon. You f***ing perv.

Okay, you know what?

Let's have sex right now.

I'm not gonna have sex

with you right now.

Let's have sex... Why not?

Let's have sex...

No, I don't want

any pad of your porn dick.

Makes no difference.

Let's have sex right now.

No, that's disgusting. No, I don't want it.

- You just said...

- No. No.

You know what?

I will see you f***ing later.

F*** you guys!

Man, stand and deliver.

Can I just ask something?

Why two-handed?

- Really, why?

- It's that big?

Why two... Why like...

I've never seen that. And standing up?

Let's all laugh it up.

Let's all really enjoy it.

'Cause you are in for some serious sh*t.

Phil, where are you, baby?

Are you in here?

- Hey. Baby-

- Hey.

You're wearing fancy shirt.

Looking nice.

- Looks pretty good, right?

- Yeah.

Hey.

You brought your Xbox to Nicaragua?

I was just gonna go see

if the guys wanted to

have a quick game before dinner.

Okay-

If that's cool?

Sure. Totally. That's fine with me.

Cool.

But I was going to blow you on camera.

- I was...

- Yeah, let's do that.

Never mind. You gotta go play Xbox

with your buddies so...

No, I don't, I don't.

- This is... That can wait.

- Love you, honey.

- Have fun playing Xbox.

- Daph, come on.

What's up, dudes?

- Nice ball cap, Jon.

- Thank you.

- Hey, mates.

- Yeah, man.

I like yours, too, Isaac.

My name's Ivan.

Ivan. I'm sorry.

Do you wanna play Xbox?

Phil, there are no TVs in the resort.

You look so nice!

Sewing it together.

- Yes, to the ladies.

- Yes.

They walked in on us.

Like, right at the really big pad.

The come pad.

Daphne!

That's sick.

Can we also raise a glass

to Daphne's husband,

for getting us these cameras?

- Yeah, so...

- Wait a second.

He had no business buying those.

He doesn't have a job.

Okay, well, at least he married you

instead of jacking off

while you were in the shower.

- I'm fine with that.

- It's okay, S.

- Yeah.

- I like that idea.

So, I just wanna say that I've known,

you know, Elissa a longtime.

She's my sister-in-law. Beautiful girl.

I actually was fortunate enough

to see her b*obs.

- One time. On, like, a trip.

- What do you mean?

We went to the lake

and I saw her changing.

Might have...

I took a picture with my phone.

- And I...

- Don't say this, man. Don't say...

- I jerk off to your wife.

- Don't say that.

Still. I still do this.

Everyone, can I

have your attention, please?

We couldn't get married

without you guys, and...

We're in Nicaragua,

which I don't know if all of you know,

but Jon and I have been here before,

and it's where we fell in love.

Lissy, you're my younger sister,

but in a lot of ways,

I look up to Lissy as my older sister.

We all knew that the reason the boys

downstairs wanted to be friends with us

was because we were friends with her.

Jon, I... You grew on me, buddy.

I grew up with three sisters.

And growing up

I always wanted a brother

to run around and get into trouble with.

You've always been

very supportive of me

and really nice to me,

and it's, you know...

You didn't have to be that nice to me.

There's no denying this guy's

an incredibly handsome man, right?

I mean, just look

at those little baby blues.

The ladies, they've always loved him.

Seabiscuit.

All right, all right, come on.

And then he met you.

And being around a good, grounded girl

really did something to him.

I mean, seriously, it changed him.

You are so much better because of her.

Last year, when Ivan got bedbugs

and then came over to my place,

and promptly gave my apartment

bedbugs as well,

they were generous enough to have me

on their couch for about two weeks.

And every morning

Jon would make coffee,

which seemed like a simple thing,

and then we would all get up

and have breakfast together.

And it wasn't until the third or fourth day

that I realized

that Jon doesn't drink coffee.

Elissa does.

But every morning, Jon makes coffee

for Elissa because he loves her.

- Ready to hit the town, baby.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

I just wanna...

There you go. I got this.

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