Drunk Wedding Page #3

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Anybody want a Vicodin?

Yeah.

- All right. Upstairs, upstairs.

- Yeah.

Can we get shots of tequila?

For you, Phil. My man.

One shot here for my good buddy Isaac.

Come on, dude.

Yeah, leave him alone.

All right, guys, come on, let's do this.

Yeah, cheers.

Okay, Phil, no more shots, babe.

You can't handle it.

No more.

Phil's pad of the gang now, all right?

We always do two shots of tequila

before we get the night started.

It's our tradition.

Come on, Phil.

Yeah, I'm good. Man, I'm good.

Cheers.

Come on, yeah!

No!

Yeah!

That's the guy from the resort, right?

Should go say hi, man.

Can you tell me what he's saying?

Okay, I'm not repeating that.

Damn, I'm so tapping that ass tonight.

Really? 'Cause I think she's vibing me.

Dude, I can tell you right now,

she is not vibing you.

Tammy and I have had this whole thing

brewing since college, bro.

Yeah? You've been trying since college,

and you never hit that?

This girl's not

your typical piece of ass, bro.

She's f***ing mysterious. Look at her.

The whole time we've known her,

she's never hooked up

with anyone we knew.

I know.

We thought she was into the ladies.

Yeah, 'cause she has shod hair,

like a boy?

Like a hot boy?

- Let me show you how it's done, bro.

- All right.

You still haven't sent in

your med school applications?

First off, I gotta get my MCATs up.

And then I wanna concentrate on

getting some more enrichment credits

from the University of Phoenix online.

Dude, I fell like that's holding up

your entire life.

What about Sarah?

You gonna finally pull the trigger?

That's a big question, my man.

That's running around in here.

You gotta figure it out, you know.

She's a great girl,

she's not gonna hang around.

How'd you know

that Elissa was the right one?

You know, did it come to you

in a dream?

Did you have a vision quest?

No, I don't know. I just...

I asked myself whether I could

imagine my life without her, you know?

And the answer was clear.

That makes sense.

What do you think

my answer to that question would be?

Dude, how the f*** should I know?

- I'm sorry!

- Honestly, come on!

- I need your help, man.

- You're f***ing hopeless.

Yes, I am.

Looks like

Tammy left her phone behind.

- Ivan...

- What's up?

Tammy left her phone behind.

Watch your step.

Hey.

"What's up hottay?"

How about a sensual massage?

I want you face down.

Lights off.

And bare-assed.

Oh, my God. He's so excited.

Yes. Yes.

He's going. He's on his way.

HE'S going?

All right. All right.

All right, let's go.

- Look at him go.

- Go my friend.

Go to your date with destiny.

Come on, boy.

This is incredible.

You want to bust in on me, a**hole?

Give him two minutes,

then we'll round everybody up

and follow him back.

Make sure

you keep shooting. Everything.

What's going on?

It is time for you

to unlock your inner mad man, Linc.

I gave you the key, man.

Guys, just don't break anything.

I can promise you,

that we will not ruin your wedding, Jon.

But things are going to get

very, very rough for Cal right now.

- You ready?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, baby.

It's dark, just like you said.

I wanna feel those soft hands.

No oil?

Dirty girl.

God, you feel amazing.

F***.

Yeah, I want that f***ing tongue

all over me,

you sexy little b*tch.

God, I'm so f***ing huge right now.

Oh, my God.

Sh*t. He's going to f*** him in the ass?

What's he doing?

All right, you know what?

Just go slow, okay?

He's hosing him down.

No, no. Hold on. That's way too much.

Linc!

What the f***? F***!

- I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

- Why?

- I'm so sorry.

- What do you have to gain from that?

F***!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. It was Ivan's idea.

You are still pissing right now.

I can't stop.

Come here, give me a hug.

It's just a joke. Come on.

It was hilarious.

Ivan, that motherf***er is going down.

What's the plan, man?

Linc, get the f*** out of here!

Dude, it was Ivan's idea.

Yeah, but you did it.

Bro, you pissed on me!

Who the f*** does that?

Cal, do you know

where your linen closet is?

Phil.

Look what I got.

Ivan.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

I would like to say something.

Quickly, if everyone could...

Could listen for a second.

To my girlfriend, my beautiful girlfriend

of six wonderful years.

I want to marry you

more than anything I've ever wanted

in my entire life.

- We haven't talked about this.

- I'm so sorry.

I have not thanked you

every single second of every single day

for how you change my life.

I have taken you for granted.

Marry me.

I love you so much.

- Yes.

- Yeah?

Like, yes? Really yes, though.

- Yes.

- Absolutely?

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Cal, come and show us.

Hey!

You were doing shots,

you were doing shots.

- No. No.

- Yes.

Yeah. Okay.

- Guys, is my wife beautiful?

- Yeah.

Thank you.

Very beautiful.

Okay. No. All right. No.

You need water, he needs water.

No, I need tattoos?

Yeah!

I must get tattoos.

Jon, in college, I was, like, this close

to getting a huge cobra tattoo

on my chest.

It would have looked so f***ing stupid.

It would look pretty f***ing Phil, right?

Yeah!

- Hey.

- Hey, what's up?

- How are you?

- Good. How are you?

- I'm good.

- You?

You're having fun?

I'm having so much fun. You're so great.

- Thank you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I can't wait

- until we're brother and sister.

- Me, too.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What the f***, Phil!

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God.

Okay, no, Phil...

Stupid!

- I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- That's all right.

- Phil.

I can feel it. It's,

like, pooling in my bra.

Okay, I think I need to go to bed.

You are going to go, too, right?

I'm going to go to bed really soon, okay?

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

Okay, I'm just going to go

wash my b*obs.

- Okay.

- Elissa.

Don't leave without saying goodbye.

It's so gross.

- I'm so happy for you guys.

- Thank you.

I'm so happy. I mean, you did it.

You tamed him.

You tamed the Seabiscuit.

- Wait, what is Seabiscuit?

- Oh, my God! You don't know.

Seabiscuit, Jon's nick name

in high school.

What does it mean?

It's like, the horse, like he's a stallion.

A guy loses his virginity at age 13.

He deserves a nickname.

- Thirteen, really?

- Thirteen.

I'm serious. It's incredible, right?

And I feel like it's a good thing,

'cause he started so young

and he f***ed so much,

he got it all out of his system.

And then he met you.

And, like, everything

in the world changed.

You get some sleep, okay?

Jon-Jon.

Come on, man.

We're back together one last time.

It's a dream team. You owe us it.

- Okay, one shot.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

What's up, dude?

Jon! God, you're...

How handsome are you?

Whoops.

Look, you're ready

to get married, right now?

I think I'm gonna go down

into the village

and try to see if I can find

like a medicine man

or a shaman or something.

Come back up here and see

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