Du Barry Was a Lady Page #5

where that came from.

Hey, I want to talk to you.

- How's about that lug.

- Hey, he's insulting the almost Mrs. Blore.

We'll fix him. I'll slip him a Rooney.

- A Rooney? What's that?

- That's a high-powered mickey.

Look, I slip this powder into his drink,

and what happens to him

should happen to him.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Those things aren't dangerous, are they?

No, they ain't displeasant.

He goes into a comma

for about a fortnight.

Maybe longer. Maybe five days.

I beg your pardon.

Which of you gentlemen

won the $150,000 sweepstake?

- That was my pal here.

- Well, I'm from the Treasury Department.

- Treasury Department?

- Yes, I'm a collector.

Oh, you want my autograph.

Well, look, I'm a little busy now.

Could you stop around later?

Yeah, see us

the second Tuesday of next week.

Alec is the jack, May is the queen

and Louis is the king.

- I was right. May marries Alec.

- You're not even warm, Rami.

- There he is over there.

- Yeah.

Now, look, here's what you do.

You go over to the guy and say,

"Look, I ain't sore. Have a drink. "

And while the bartender ain't looking,

I'll...

Well, how will I know which drink is his?

Well, I'll print.

No, I don't think we ought to.

But you gotta. You gotta for her sake.

- Go on. Go on.

- Okay.

Hiya.

Hello, sucker.

Oh, look, Alec, I'm not mad at you.

What do you say?

Let's have a drink together.

Sort of a loving cup.

Who's loving who?

I'm loving you, you're loving me,

so let's let bygones be bygones.

- Okay, I'll have a drink.

- You will?

- Hey, Cheesy.

- Yes, sir.

- Two drinks and make it snappy.

- Yes, sir.

I guess I'm crazy,

but I'm glad May turned me down.

I could never give her

all the things she deserves.

Yeah, sure.

You know, it's too bad

May couldn't marry for love and money.

You mean sort of a double wedding?

- Here you are, Cheesy.

- Oh.

Hey, Cheesy,

is them the drinks that Louis ordered?

- Yeah.

- I forgot to tell you.

- They want you on the phone.

- Phone?

Long distance.

- Long distance?

- Yeah.

- Well, I...

- Oh, I'll serve it for you.

- Will you?

- Sure.

- Thanks.

- Okay.

Why don't you go where you're walking?

Look where you're...

Well, here they come, pal.

Cheesy was busy. He asked me to serve.

- Some drink, eh?

- Yeah, I'll bet it is.

Nothing too good for me old pal, Alec.

I want to thank you

for tipping me off about May.

- Oh, you finally got it.

- Yeah, I finally got it.

- No, he got it.

- What?

The... Nothing.

I was thinking about something else.

Well, bottoms up.

Any minute now.

Here's to I, May and you,

the eternal rectangle.

If this was back

in the glorious days of France,

I would be King Louis,

May would be Du Barry,

and you would be

one of the common folks, a pheasant.

I guess you won't take my advice.

You'll marry May, no matter what.

- Well, thanks for the drink, anyway.

- It was a pleasure.

- Good luck to you and May.

- Thanks.

- I guess it won't be long now.

- Nope, it sure won't.

- How long does it take it to work?

- Well, that's debatable.

Well, come on.

I want to be there when it happens.

You know, we're really smart.

We used our heads.

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

Alec is the jack, May is the queen,

Louis is the king.

Alec is the jack,

May is the queen,

Louis is the king.

Alec is the jack, May is the queen,

Louis is the king.

I don't feel well, fellows.

Hey, where is everybody?

What's the idea

of them funny looking clothes?

- The party turn into a masquerade?

- Your Majesty had a nightmare?

What's everybody staring at me for?

- What's this?

- Your breakfast, sire.

Well, who eats who?

Cheesy! I've been looking for you.

What'd you put in that drink?

You tried to poison me, didn't you?

I, poison Your Majesty?

I, the Count de Roquefort,

Your Majesty's dietician?

Diet? Oh, I get it.

Now, you're trying to starve me to death.

Look, Cheesy, what's the rib, huh?

Where am I?

Surely Your Majesty knows

this is Versailles.

Versailles?

Could it be that Your Majesty is fatigued

after yesterday's trip to Paris?

What? Paris?

- What was I doing in Paris?

- Your Majesty.

Really?

May I retire, my lord?

I have some new taxes

to levy on your subjects.

Now, wait a minute, bub.

I don't mind my pals ribbing me but...

Hey, Cheesy, who is this character?

Why, the Duc de Choiseul,

the Minister of Finance.

Minister of Finance?

And he is the Duc de Rigor,

your Prime Minister.

Oh, last time I saw you,

you were a chef salad.

If Your Majesty pleases,

I am the Prime Minister

of the Empire of France.

Oh, sure, sure, you're the Prime Minister

and I'm King Louis XV.

Yes, Your Majesty.

That settles it. Where's my pants?

I'm getting out of here.

- Hey Cheesy, call me a taxi.

- What's a taxi?

Oh, I get it. It's a plot.

You're trying to drive me nuts.

You're all after the money

I won in the sweepstakes,

but you won't get it.

The FBI is gonna hear about this.

I'll call my own taxi.

"His Majesty, Louis XV, 1743."

What a setback.

Sire, if you're displeased with the

portrait, I will have the artist beheaded.

Listen, bub, if there's any beheading,

I'll give the okay.

- Say, who's king around here, anyway?

- You are, Your Majesty.

You sure I ain't the queen?

Good morning, good morning

Good morning to Your Grace

We are here to brighten up

your not-so-very-bright face

Here's the brush to scrub your back

And here's the soap for lather

Here's geranium bath salts

Or lavender if you'd rather

Brush to scrub, soap to rub, salt to dub

Schnitzelbank

Now, pray thee tell me, pretty maids

your duty to the throne

After Your Grace has washed his face

we squirt you with cologne

Oh, tra-la-la, la-la, la-la

You've come to wash my face

Tra-la-la, la-la, la-la

We've come to wash your face

We've come to wash

your face

That's very good, girls. I liked that.

You can all expect an extra mink coat

in each of your pay envelopes on Saturday.

Well.

Katie went to Haiti

Katie heard a band

Swing wide, please

She cried, "Hot potato, hey"

Jackson, this is grand

Katie liked the band

Thought she'd found the promised land

After a week in Haiti

The island began to thrive

Like a beehive

Katie showed each local lady

Quickly just how to make with the jive

They came from miles around

To watch old Katie go to town

And after a month in Haiti

She decided it was time to move

Hit the road

But the people asked her not to leave 'em

'Cause Haiti was in the groove

In the groove

So Katie stayed in Haiti

Her life there, it was great

'Cause Katie went for Haiti

And practically all Haiti went for Katie

From Haiti

Katie, Katie, Kay

Hay-de, hay-de-hay

Hi-de, hi-de-hi

Ho-de, ho-de-ho

And practically all Haiti

loved Katie

Very good.

Very good.

Very good. Very good.

Tommy. Tommy Dorsey.

The Duc d'Orsay, sire, your court musician.

Really?

But I swore that was Tommy.

Hiya, Pop.

Hiya, Pop.

- Hey, where have I seen him before?

- That's the Dauphin, sire, your son.

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